I cupped my hand and moved it around under it, trying to catch it without affecting it's beauty. No longer concerned with the color of the stop light in front of me, I'm not sure if I held up traffic or not. But I couldn't ignore it. The air coming in from both sides of the van was causing it to move back and forth. The kids were now cheering me on in hopes I would be able to keep this little seed that I was so determined to hold.
I realized if I wanted to catch it for keeps, I'd have to slow the air flow so, without taking my eyes off of it, I reached with my left hand and rolled up my window.... and then moved to the button for the passenger window.... the second window started to go up and I knew I would have the seed safe within my hand in just a few moments....
It started to fall towards me as the breeze slowed.... it touched my hand for just a brief moment and immediately rose again and flew out the window. I looked in the rear view to see all of the kids looking at me with unsure faces....Did Mama get to keep the seed?
I told them it got away and looked back to the traffic light.... which was green.... and carried on our route.
In those few shorts moments with this beautiful seed and my attempt at catching it, I knew it was just like my girl.... The second it touched my skin and then floated away, I knew it. It was a picture of her... dancing around me as I tried to find a way to keep it, touching down so momentarily and floating away too soon....sure to leave flowers in places I will never be able to identify... and sadly, just not mine to keep.
I told Matt about it yesterday and as I told him about it landing for a second in my hand, Des added from the back seat... "And it made Mama giggle when it touched her."
I smiled as I remembered that I had giggled like a little girl who just had a butterfly land on her hand... But somehow I hadn't remembered that part. But I did. I giggled. It brought this unexplainable and unexpected little piece of joy and laughter to my heart in that moment that if I had just stared straight ahead at the light and kept going, I would have missed. And the amazing thing about it all is that I can still remember everything about the short time there.... the bright sun, the warm breeze, the music playing, the kids watching me, the determination I had, the smile it brought, the acceptance I had as it flew right back to where it had come from.
And I know that I will probably remember that moment every time I pass that corner in the middle of town. The place where it is legal to turn right on red, but I didn't. I stayed still and let God have His way with my heart and this little seed He created. Some may wonder, what's the point? It's just a seed that will float away anyway and maybe plant a weed somewhere... But when I see dandelions, I don't see them as weeds... I see them as unstoppable flowers that grow in the harshest conditions and add a lasting legacy of color everywhere you look, making generations of children laugh, giggle, dance and spin.... with innocence and hope.
I think of how many places, people, stories and little pieces of joy and laughter I have had along this journey with Rachel and I am carried away in a sweet breeze of thankfulness and hopeful expectation, knowing that I have been given such an amazing gift in her... and precisely because of how gentle, delicate and short my time with her was... learning the hard lesson that no matter how hard I try, sometimes God has different plans and as I every day have to again commit my daughter to His hands and trust His great and perfect plan for me - and for her.
Irreplaceable, undeniable, unexplainable, everlasting, eternal, full of hope and acceptance...peace and joy... I put my all into holding her and was blessed to do that for just a short time before she drifted away.
But the dance, the Hope, the giggle.... their mine to keep and even though it hurts and I'm disappointed with the outcome, I will always remember that place in time. And every time I see a little flower, I will wonder if my little seed planted it.