Then my phone rang and it was the rest of my family singing "Happy Birthday to Mama" in the speaker phone and reminding me of how old I am now.
"Happy Birthday to me" doesn't do this justice.
I've been wanting to write all weekend and not able to find the words. There is so much to say, but I feel words are inadequate to say it. I don't want to just narrate the experience because there are some stories you just can't tell in such simple form.
I guess I'll start with his name.
It's not the original E name we were given. And I'm not going to tell you what that one is per Desirae's request that we save it for "in case we have another girl." It all started in October when we put pumkins on our steps with the first letter of each of the kids' names and saw that if we had two more "E's" we would have spelled "DESIRAE" with the first initial of all of them, without trying!
So E it was.
The name God gave us started out as just a meaning. I came up with a meaning randomly one day and He led me to names that included the family members I wanted to honor, which together had the exact meaning I said I wanted. It was a gender neutral name, but with the middle one was more fitting for a girl and we all really thought when I found out I was expecting that Little E was a girl.....
So when we found out that E was another BOY!, we had to decide what to do. We had now been calling this baby E for months and still wanted to spell Desirae.... but she wasn't having it. She insisted on a different name.
We wanted to honor my Uncle Dale with his name. Dale is not my favorite name, but the meaning we wanted for a middle name was "Valley" and that is what Dale means! We decided on Truesdale as boy alternative to Dale, which means "Honest man's valley."
But we still needed to decide on a first name and I just wasn't sure.
I was having a hard time in the spring and had decided I would read through the Psalms again. One day around that time, I stumbled across an old post I wrote called "My Psalms" that was talking about how in my blog I don't hesitate to share my real, human feelings, but that I always in the midst of those feelings was able to be comforted by the Truth of my God's promises.... I referred to the Psalms because that is what they are... you see people struggle with doubt and pain and sadness and anger and then turn and say "But I trust You God.... But I love You God.... But You are good God...." and even with all the criticisms I have received about being too negative along this journey, I can say that I have walked this path through the loss of my daughter with honesty and with reliance on God and always trusting Him. So, while I have not done it perfectly and there are lots of things I would love to change looking back, I trust that He used it according to His purposes - in my life and the life of others.
So this day in the spring, I started reading at the foreward in my Bible that talks about who wrote the Psalms and what they are and all of that.
Here is some of what it says:
In Hebrew, the book's name means "Songs of Praise." A synonym for the Book of Psalms is "Psalter." They were intended to be sung and to express worshippers' emotions as they praised God or cried out for His deliverance or forgiveness.
They issue from the heart rather than from the head; representing the worshippers' honest fears, gratitude, remorse, and hopes.
The Psalms clearly teach that, although God allows us to go through dark valleys, He carefully guides us and protects us from our enemies.
Tradition suggests that Ezra edited the final version of the Psalter.
I looked up what Ezra means.... "God is my help"
And so it is.... Ezra Truesdale Aube.... because "God is my help in the honest man's valley"
About an hour after he was born, he started making moaning sounds. He apparently swallowed too much fluid on the way out because of the fast delivery and has had some complications because of it. They did an x-ray yesterday and they came back fine and seems okay this morning, but it's been scary. I just had to smile though when the pediatrician said "He's just singing, that's all..."
Wouldn't it make sense that a Psalm writer would sing?
The next morning, in the early hours around 4am, I had him covered with Rachel's blanket and was snuggling him. I looked down on him and was surprised by my words. I said, "What would I ever do without you?" out loud. My eyes shifted and I looked at Rachel's blanket (which I'm positive I look crazy with at the hospital with a new boy) and he began to "sing" and I said "I know what I would do..." and started crying.
I cried because in less than the amount of time I had Rachel in my arms I was so in love with this baby that if I ever had to let him go, I would be so heart broken and grief stricken that I would want to die. I felt that way before I ever got to hold him....or her. And I cried because I already know exactly how that feels. But I also cried because I know that in God's great love and mercy and provision.... I would still sing. Dear God, I hope that never happens... but what a joy to know that He is big enough and strong enough for everything I am not.
My little sweet baby Ezra.... you will never know how much you're loved. But even with how deep and wide and long my love is for you, it could never compare to how much your Heavenly Father loves you and I pray with everything I am that you will follow Him as you grow so I never have to say goodbye to you for good. I love you my precious son. My entire world changed the moment I knew you were inside of me and I cannot imagine life without you already. I thank our great God for the gift of you and plead with Him to let me keep you for a long, long time.