I'm thankful to say that since last week, I have come to a much better place as far as my situation with this delivery. God is faithful.
First of all, I 'stumbled' across this post: Can I Have My Right to Choose? from shortly after I got Rachel's diagnosis. I cried as I read it cause I don't remember feeling that strong back then.... but my love for her was so fierce, it brought tears to my eyes.
I had said to a friend the other day that maybe I am paying now for a decision I made out of fear - that maybe God hadn't really led me to have a C-section.... maybe I was trying too hard to take control. I saw that post at the bottom of another one I recently wrote and clicked on it and it was a reminder of how hard that decision was, of how much I prayed, of how certain I was I needed to do it. And it helped to change my perspective about how much harder things are now for a delivery for me - reminding me that no matter how hard this is, it's a small price to pay to have had even minutes with her - and to know that God had a plan in how that all played out. It might not have been all for me... or even Rachel... but maybe for the people whose paths we crossed that day. And I know He used her in so many ways in that hospital. I'm so glad that God showed this to me this week - His timing is always perfect.
Well, I am 36 weeks 2 days and feeling pretty good most of the time.
Matt dropped the kids off at the sitters before he went to work and I had some time to get ready alone and then a nice drive up to Maine with quiet. The only problem is I guess I got a little too comfortable in the quiet and I zoned out listening to a sermon and missed my exit. I ended up lost in Portland for a while and was 45 minutes late for my appointment. I had to pee like a race horse, but was not in a part of town where it was a great idea to get out - unless of course you wanted to buy drugs cause they were easy to see even from the car. :/ I didn't have the number to the dr's office and couldn't find it on line on my phone. Thankfully, my friend Kim (Rachel's nurse) was planning to meet me there and I had her cell written down - I pulled over and called and she let them know I was on my way and helped me get there. I've driven to that office a hundred times over the past 3 years.... never gotten lost. It was hard to believe. Never a dull moment!!
Baby E is measuring at 6lbs 11oz. She said that can vary between 6lbs 7oz and 7lbs 7oz... so it looks like we'll have another close to 9 pounder if I go to my due date. I saw a full belly and bladder and lungs moving in and out, practicing breathing.... this baby MOVES a TON. Head is down now, hopefully it will stay that way. They measured the thickness around my scar (didn't do that last time so I wasn't expecting that!) and said it looks good. It was interesting to see on the screen that the same place that still hurts on my scar is actually thicker and whiter on an ultrasound.
I never thought I would ever say it again, but I was excited going to this ultrasound. I guess because I already had all the major things checked and with baby moving so much I knew it was very unlikely any bad news could come of this, although I never completely write that off as a possibility. But when she put the wand on and started showing me this baby.....it was amazing. Another chubby baby with the Aube nose and long hair....
|It's hard to believe this beautiful face is inside of me. I can't wait to kiss it.|
It was such a relief going there today, which I've very rarely said about a doctor's appointment! First of all, knowing they all know Rachel is huge for me. I love that when I say her name, they know who she is. I love that they have seen how God has carried me from that day in August 2010 to this day now, two rainbow babies later, and that we shared the reason for our hope with them throughout all of it. I love that I have confidence in their ability to care for this baby should anything go wrong during delivery - and I love that they get the complicated nature of all my decisions around my babies from Rachel on.
So, I left there extremely tired, but very relieved to have confirmation that Maine is where I want to have this baby. I also got a lot of reassurance talking to the Dr about how to handle different possible scenarios of labor and his confidence that given my previous successful VBAC, this *should* go smoothly and hopefully without the delayed labor I experienced with Asa. He helped take some of the edge off of the fear about the risks - even though I did sign a paper saying I know my baby could die as a result of this birth. I read the words on the consent form and had to shake off my fear and fight tears. But the truth is that I know my baby could die period. It's happened to me before - so the bottom line is I need to trust God with this child's life, just like I have to trust Him every day with all of my other childrens' lives. And even more so, I have to trust Him with my heart should I have to say goodbye to another one of my children too soon.
We'll see how it all goes, but for now, I guess I better get our bags packed! I can't wait to meet this baby!