Rachel's Race Day

Rachel's Race was scheduled for today....  

I am so thankful for a God Who knows more than I do and Who leads me accordingly long before I understand His reasons.  I'm also so thankful that He has given me a heart that desires His will above my own because for a strong willed Mama like me, it would be so easy to push ahead and ignore His voice. 

Canceling her race was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my entire life.  Over the last few months, it has been so clear to me that this is what needed to happen this year - for so many reasons - like the ridiculous heat and my inability to function in it.  But more than that, we have had a few big things happening in our lives that I couldn't see coming back in January and never would have been able to focus on had I been wrapped up in the full time job of running a large event.

I know it's not of me, but Him, that I surrender to His ways.... and He used my sweet girl to develop a heart in me that not only trusts Him with everything, but also one that fully believes that His plans are better than mine.  For a planner like me, that doesn't come easy.  It was a hard lesson to learn - and one that I'm sure I will continue to learn my entire life - but today I am again convinced that He knows what He is doing.  And that when he asks me to do - or NOT to do - something, it is for my good and His glory.

The part I miss the most about not having Rachel's Race this year is the baby remembrance ceremony and opportunity to love other mother's that know this pain.... to see the healing it brings to acknowledge their babies by name with them.... no matter if they lost them last week or 20 years ago. I do still hope to be able to find a way to honor these other babies in this way at some point this year. 

But for all my friends who have experienced the loss of a child, I want you to know that I never forget, but especially today I am remembering how your babies and my Rachel have joined us together in an unexplainable bond that is so important to my journey through grief.... that I appreciate your friendship and am so thankful to God for giving me people who I don't need to explain myself to - that I make sense to you.... and that there are so many more children being loved so much deeper because of our sweet babies and the love we have for them.  Thank you for always remembering Rachel with me and for not being afraid to say her name....

Rachel Alice, my love for you never changes...  no matter how much time goes on.... no matter how much or how little I do to show the world who you are to me - and more importantly who you are to God.... I can hardly believe you've been gone long enough to be on our 3rd round of "withouts" and that this would have been your 3rd annual race or that we are coming up on 3 years since we first heard you would die.  My biggest fear is that people will forget you and wonder why I can't too.  I pray that today somewhere, someone is remembering you with a smile and understanding why you are too precious to forget, even after "all this time". 

I know I am.