She Was Going to Die Anyway...

So, apparently when I finally let the wall down in my mind and heart to believe I'm about to have a baby.... and then said that I wasn't feeling afraid.... yeah, all heck broke loose.

Sigh.

I spent most of yesterday in tears - literally.  It started with almost passing out from the heat walking into church - all of 20 feet - and the humidity took my breath from me and I couldn't make it inside. I'm so tired and worn out.

From there it went to anxiety and frustration over being so alone raising these kids that when it comes to trying to go to an appointment or planning for a stay at the hospital, we never have any idea who to call that is able, willing AND we feel comfortable with.  I always just bring them with me cause it's easier than begging for help. You think I'd be used to it by now, but I will never get used to the idea that our kids don't have relatives interested in spending time with them. 

It went from there to crying over all I have to do for this party I'm giving Baby E that a little at a time is becoming more work than I had planned (in order to save money) and being sad because I just don't have the energy, but I can't not do it.  All my kids have been acknowledged in this way and I can't ignore this one, even if it is my 6th. 

It went from there to crying over the fact that I am going crazy trying to plan for these day-long trips once a week to Maine Med because I am a VBAC when I don't even want to deliver at Maine Med.  I had a HORRIBLE experience at Maine Med after I had Asa and if I could choose, I would rather be at the hospital around the corner.  Not over an hour away at a place with tiny, uncomfortable rooms where I know the care is poor and it makes it harder for Matt and the kids to come visit. Not to mention the complicated nature of having a scar in my uterus that could rupture making laboring at home dangerous and knowing if my water broke at home I might not make it to the Maine hospital with how fast my deliveries go after my water breaks (less than an hour tops) and this being my 6th full term baby.

I wish it could be like my labors before Rachel where I labored at home as long as possible before going to the hospital that I picked based on how comfy the rooms would be for Matt & I to stay in after baby came - together.  But now I have no choice... I have to stay alone because the circumstances of distance, childcare for 4 kids, and Matt not being able to get time off leaves only one option... and even if I had another option for someone to stay with me, I wouldn't want it... I want my husband with me.  But finding someone who can stay at our house for days with our kids and their allergies is more than difficult, it's actually seemingly impossible.  And the last thing I need is to be far away from home having a baby (or at a stressful appointment) and to have to worry about my other kids.  I actually can't handle that... that makes me cry too.  I've been trying to find a young adult that doesn't have kids and a busy schedule that is reliable and has a license...  do they exist?  I certainly haven't found one yet.  . I will admit that the last two years have left me much more serious about who I leave my living children with - and much more worried about what could go wrong while I'm gone.  It might not make sense to everyone, but it does me no good to try to pretend I'm comfortable with anything I'm not because it will eat me alive while I'm gone and I have enough to worry about. 

I know God led me to have a C-section with Rachel so I try not to have regrets, but that C-section has taken away any chance of my ever having another enjoyable delivery with my babies after her - at least in this area with the options available for VBACs.  It's complicated my pregnancies.  It's made the last month of pregnancy way harder than it already is.  And I'm grieving what I can't have now with them on top of what I lost along with her.

And she was going to die anyway.

And that's what makes me cry.  She wasn't going to stay alive.  And if I could have just given into that, I'd be planning the best way to get spoiled after a comfortable and local delivery of this baby.  So, for all of you who criticized me for 'not having faith' because I was planning her funeral while pregnant, just remember that I also had my stomach cut wide open to give that little girl a chance at staying because I believed it was possible and that God might heal her - and my desire to meet her alive, if even for a minute, before I had to put her in that casket was impossible to deny.  Sometimes I wish my heart could have accepted I was going to have to let her go sooner.  But it just couldn't.

**(for the record, I would NOT tell anyone pregnant with an anencephalic baby that a C-section is not a good idea because God leads us all for a His purposes... so if you feel He is leading you to have a section, trust Him - I just always tell people to not think it's necessary just because of statistics.  No matter what you choose for delivery of your precious baby, it's going to hurt like crazy to say goodbye.)

I've thought about just having another C-section so I can plan and be close to home, but if I regret how my last one is affecting my life, I know I'll regret having another.  I just feel like every option I have is one I don't want.  And I just keep crying.

I think I liked it better when I didn't believe I was having another baby.  The last 24 hours have used up an entire box of tissues and a ton of energy.  And everyone has the quick fix answers that aren't realistic....

Like last night at midnight when Matt told me I just needed to stop crying and go to sleep because it would be easier to figure everything out in the morning (when this morning has left me crying just as hard with the same amount of unanswered concerns).  Things aren't always as simple as they seem.  Or maybe I just complicate things.  He saw it as I was just tired and that's why I was crying.... but what he didn't understand is that in my heart all I kept hearing was....  she was going to die anyway. 

And no matter how much time goes by, that fact alone is excruciating.