Ready for the Next Rainbow

I've been blessed with 35 weeks with my little E.  I'm thankful to be able to say that I have not struggled with too much fear surrounding this pregnancy or upcoming birth.  I have the occasional strike of reality where I know in a painful way that I am not above or beyond losing this child... but for the most part, this pregnancy has been much 'easier' mentally and emotionally than Asa's was on me.  I even heard myself say the other day that I was "excited" for my ultrasound next Monday.  I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth again.  Physically is a different story, and I am SO exhausted, but I'm surviving.

What I have noticed though, and I think it was true of Asa in a different way, is that it just doesn't feel real to me.  I have a hard time believing I will have another baby soon.  Part of it is not having a room to decorate.  That is usually a big focus of mine while I am pregnant.  You all probably know by now that I love to decorate.  I love getting their nurseries set up.  But this baby will be rooming with us until Asa is out of the crib and can move out of the nursery... so I've had nothing to decorate.  I did buy a couple of things for baby... a mini co-sleeper, a changing table pad and some cute baskets and sheets - so there is a corner in my room that is ready to welcome a sweet little one. And I know we have everything we need and more... it has just required much less preparation.  But even that has been a blessing.

The hardest part of this entire stage is figuring out how to keep Rachel in it.  That was easier with Asa.... but I think at this point, most people are safely assuming I have moved past that part of my life and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that Rachel automatically comes to mind anymore when they see me.  I feel like I'm leaving her behind in so many ways and I hate it.

I've been putting off taking pictures - usually I have a ton of them while I'm pregnant and have professional ones done too.  Honestly, I have had no desire to get in front of a camera at all.  And trying to coordinate all the kids in a photo in this heat sounds like no fun.  So, I have just a couple of belly shots all together.

Thankfully God has helped me to keep walking forward, one step at a time and today I realized He is doing for me what I can't do for myself right now.... and today I felt it.... I'm finally excited. 

I knew He would get me there.

I got a bunch of things washed and ready.... car seat is ready to go.... started packing my hospital bag....I've even frozen 2 meals so far and plan to get a bunch more done so my family doesn't starve when baby first arrives.... and today, I figured out how to include Rachel in a belly shot.....

This has been killing me cause I haven't been thrilled with the way it looks to have her picture in a frame with us.  It feels too unnatural or something.  But every other idea I come up with seems like I would have to explain to everyone where Rachel "is" in the picture.  So, I decided to try painting my tattoo of her handprint and pressing it on my belly....  and since the tattoo print is on my skin, it came out so good! 

I had each of the kids in a different color of the rainbow.....  seemed a perfect way to include them in welcoming our new little rainbow, while remembering that they ALL remind me of God's promise to me... not that everything will go the way I want, but that no matter what happens, He will be with me - He always has been.

Desirae is red, Isaiah is orange, Samuel is green, Asa is blue and Rachel is purple.... They have all shared this sacred space inside of me where this new little blessing grows.

This pregnancy has held a ton of changes in our lives...  from not doing Rachel's 3rd Annual Race to leaving the church we have been at since I was first saved 9 years ago, where I also have to leave behind the playground I promised her while I was pregnant with her - and also the sanctuary where her little casket last was closed and where we last praised God together with her.  As a general rule, I am not one who likes change, but I have been filled with so much peace and God has confirmed His will in our lives over and over as I have surrendered all of my fears and trusted Him and what He is asking of us.  My heart is tempted to want to hold onto to these things as if they are her... but I know they are not. 

I have felt at a loss for words because it's all just so huge and deep that I have a hard time explaining it...and it also just all feels so personal and almost as if trying to tell someone what God has put on our hearts could actually take away from how beautiful it is.  (See, I can't explain it...)  

But, if I was to try to sum up my feelings tonight, I would just say that it's been a long couple of years filled with so many storms, so many difficult things... and the last 6 months have been filled with changes that I didn't see coming and don't know what to do with...  but I've never been more secure in the waiting.  And I am so thankful that my God decorates my life with so much beauty mingled in that most of the time, it's all I can see. 

I didn't doubt He would do it, but I am relieved to say that after a long, hard and somewhat detached 35 weeks of pregnancy, God has prepared my heart and I am ready for the next rainbow.

First Day of Summer

I woke up today knowing I needed to get to Rachel.  I didn't go last week and I've felt it the last couple of days.  I looked at my pregnancy ticker.... "43 days left to go!"

Of course it would be.....

Picking up where we left off yesterday.... this first day of summer without Rachel...  we hopped in the van to go get her something new for her grave, and Isaiah starts right back in...

"It's actually like Rachel *is* spending the summer with us."  He said.

I asked what he meant and he said, "Well, she can look down on us and see where we are and she's having her own summer in heaven.... and it's even better than our summer."

I love this kid.

The conversation got a little harder when he asked if I wanted to go to heaven to spend summer with Rachel.  I said no because I wanted to stay with them and he asked if I loved them more than her.  I said I loved them the same, but she doesn't need me and they still do... I said she is well taken care of.  He asked "who would take care of Asa if you died?"  I said Daddy would.  "But Daddy has to work so who would while he is at work?" 

Does he have to think things like this through so much?  I mean, the child thought it made sense to give an underdog on a 4 person bench swing with 3 kids riding it.... he obviously doesn't think everything through.... why this? 

All I could say was "I don't know, but I know God would take care of it."

It was a good enough answer for him..... thank You Lord!

We've been listening to country music the last couple of days and the song on the radio, although about a summer with a girl, made me think of the time I had with Rachel here... how quickly it went, how bittersweet it was, how I couldn't slow down time and every moment I felt her slipping away... until she was gone.

"But the sun keeps setting' and the days go fast

And the sand on the beach is like an hourglass

I can just feel it slipping away

And I can already say that

 

As long I live, whatever I do

As great as it is, you know what's a bummer

I ain't ever gonna beat this summer with you

baby it's true

The taste of your kiss is so bittersweet

There ain't no way I'm gonna beat this summer with you"

After Matt got home and we had dinner, we all went and got ice cream and went to set up Rachel's new stuff.  It was a rough visit to the cemetery...  the roughest I have EVER had....

Ice cream on the way...

Before everything fell apart :)

The kids were running around and Des tripped.  She hurt herself and when she stood up, she fell straight backwards and hit her head off the ground and passed out.  I've seen Asa's eyes roll back enough times to not be too phased when it happens after he holds his breath, but Desirae... and because of an injury...never... 

 

So there we were all hovered over her trying to figure out if she had a head injury.  She said she felt like she needed to puke and the boys got so scared they started crying - everyone was saying they wanted to go home and at that point, we had everything ripped out of Rachel's spot and nothing set up.  Des sat in the van the rest of the time and the boys ran around.... then Sam got hurt... out comes the 1st aid kit....  We get him all bandaged up and I hear from the van "Asa's bleeding too!" (of course, he's the only one who didn't cry about it! He's such a brute!)  He had scratched his leg somewhere along the line and I just had to laugh....

 

I said "We better buckle up Isaiah cause he's the only one left without and injury and I don't want to risk it"  And then I look up and the child is standing on top of my van.  I sounded exactly like my mother when I said, "Get down from there, I do NOT want to spend the night in the hospital!"  I was convinced before we left someone was going to seriously hurt themselves and we'd end up in the ER!

 

Finally, all injuries and close calls seemed to be at bay and we got back to setting up her stuff.  I was so hot, I'm so huge, I am completely exhausted, the flowers are dry and the water was shut off cause we were there at night so I couldn't water them, this is the first time I've been in 2 weeks (the longest I've EVER gone), and I couldn't get the daisy lights to string back up like I had planned....

 

My arms were up in the air trying to reach the top of her new shepherd hook and I got so out of breath as I struggled with this floral wire and it just came bursting out....

 

"I'm so sick of decorating a grave."

 

I hung my head and started crying.  I felt so defeated by this trip - so worn out - so discouraged.... it's just been a hard week of grieving and this was the straw that broke the camels back. 

 

Matt started trying to help me and through my tears, I figured out a solution.  I'm thankful that even in the hardest times, God has put something deep down in me that makes me persevere rather than pack up and go home. I needed to accomplish this. As I clipped the daisy lights to her hanging plant basket instead of the hook, Matt kept saying "Oh, that looks really cute..." which in itself was really cute cause he just wanted me to feel better. 

 

But in the end, it does look really cute.... for a grave on the first day of summer anyway.

Add caption

 

I Got Carried Away

I feel crazy admitting this - because I feel like it made sense 2 years ago, but not many people will understand it now.  But here's the truth... I often envision myself going down to the cemetery and bringing her home with me... I ache to hold her again and I almost don't care what the last 2 1/2 years have done to her physically.  And I cry as I wonder Is this urge ever going to go away?  Is this desire ever going to get less intense?

This morning, we piled into the van for my 34 week checkup... 

"Mama, I wish we could spend the summer with Rachel" Isaiah said from the back seat.

I took a deep breath and turned to look at him.  "Me too, Buddy... why are you thinking of that?"

"Because tomorrow is the first day of summer and I really want to spend it with Rachel."

How can one argue with that logic?  I want that too.

I told him I've been wanting to get some new things for her grave, so maybe we could buy something today and bring it to her tomorrow... Friday, the first day of summer.

"We get to see her tomorrow?!"  he asked excitedly.

I forget how literal he takes everything. 

"I wish, that would be nice...but I meant when we go to her grave...."  I explained. 

He looked at me disappointed.  "Oh, just her grave?"  he sighed.  "It's all we have here."  I reminded him.

The doctor's is only 5 minutes from here and before I had even pulled out of my driveway, I was already engrossed in a daydream of spending the summer with my little 2 year old girl... and for just a second... a brief moment in time... I actually felt her with me....  for that moment the reality of her absence left me and I knew my life without anencephaly... without death... without pain.... I knew summer with Rachel...

the song on the radio brought me back to the truth of today...

"I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes
Before I even realize the ride I'm on baby I'm long gone
I get carried away nothin' matters but bein' with you
Like a feather flyin' high up in the sky on a windy day, I get carried away"

.And I realized I had gotten carried away..... 

I started crying and couldn't stop.  I don't ever share with those doctors the struggles I have regarding Rachel because honestly, they are always ready to find a reason why it isn't best for the moms to carry babies like Rachel to term... and I know they think that it would have been easier on me to "induce early" (abort her) and move on...and I know that they will think that any concern I have during this pregnancy is because I lost a baby and am 'paranoid' (which so what if I am?) 

So, for the sake of future anencephalic babies, for the confidence I have in my prenatal care now, and for the glory of my great God who is able and ready to carry us through those trials (and as we've seen with Rachel make WAY more beauty out of it than anyone could fathom) I keep my emotions in with them. I tried to clear my eyes and suck it up in the parking lot, but I couldn't stop. 

And no sooner did I check in, my doctor got called away for a delivery and I was sent on my way.....

Thank You Lord.

We never made it to the store to get Rachel's new stuff.  We stopped at the park and bumped into some friends, so we stayed a while.  I guess I'll try again tomorrow.
 
Last night I was looking at gender reveal party ideas and I saw one that involved using strawberries to represent the girl - I took a different way home from the park and as I pulled onto my street, my friend Kathy was pulling out.  She said she had just stopped by our house and she jumped out and handed me a big bag of fresh strawberries from her garden.....

An hour and a half after my tears fell over my summer daydream, God had carried me away again.... except this time on the comfort and compassion only He can give as he gave me a reprieve from my sadness and once again reminded me that He is with me in this and will meet me where I'm at and with what I need in that exact moment.  I just need to keep walking through each day trusting Him with it all.

But yes, I am crying again.  And no, I don't think I'll be stopping permanently anytime soon.

I miss her like crazy.

Countdown to the Hallway

I've been waiting on words...  always an odd thing when those are hard for me to find. 

I've been trying to make sense of this new stage in my loss...  trying to make decisions about what direction to go from here for my girl and her legacy.... trying to tell the difference between shear exhaustion, avoidance, and true healing.  Trying not to make any decisions I will regret next year with little understanding as to what I even want or need.

I've been slowly working on getting ready for this baby to join our home... I've been blessed to not be too fearful, but every once in a while it hits me.... I don't have a guarantee.  No promise this baby is mine to keep.  No definite that I won't leave the hospital empty handed again.  Every once in a while I find myself awake in my bed, staring in wonder and waiting for the baby to move again so I know I still hold a little soul in my womb and not just an empty tomb.

Being a bereaved mother - and a pregnant one at that - is so complicated.  Even for a mother who has been doing it for a couple of years now.  And if I still don't totally understand it, I guess it makes perfect sense that people who have not buried their child wouldn't either.  And as I walk through this pregnancy, I think back to Rachel and to Asa and I wonder how on earth I survived any of it...  God alone.

I can feel August 4th coming.  Usually the week before is extremely hard for me... starting with my birthday the week before until after D-Day goes by.  Every year I re-live that week... missing my bliss in ignorance of my baby's condition. Wishing I could go back to the wonder and happiness that I used to feel during pregnancy. The girl's day out for pedicures Des & I went on with a little shopping and buying that cute little dress Rachel would never wear....  and each year since we have continued that tradition together - and Rachel remains heavy on my heart. 

I had come home on my birthday that year and hung that dress on a nail already in the wall...  I left it hanging there for months upon months... I don't even remember how long it was before I took it down, but it was long after she died.  Maybe even after Asa was born?  The nail has hung there empty since and yesterday Isaiah took it down and gave it to me.  When I realized where he had gotten it from, I took it and put it right back...  why?  I have no idea, but even that empty nail reminds me of the hope I had while I was pregnant with her.  I looked at that dress hanging there every day and just prayed she would grow big enough to wear it.  I felt silly telling Isaiah it had to stay there cause Rachel's dress hung on it... but he seemed to understand me.

I thought when I found out I was pregnant the week before Rachel's birthday this year and then got the due date of August 3rd for this baby that God was giving me something to cheer me up during the two hardest weeks of my year...the weeks leading up to her diagnosis and birthday.  However, as the day approaches, I am not convinced it will do that.  I know He knows what he is doing, but I can't help but wish that pregnancy could be what it used to be for me...what it still gets to be for most of the people around me.... I've never wanted to be ignorant so badly.  Usually clueless people annoy me... but now I feel envious of them.  I wish I didn't know. 

I was telling a friend the other day how good my pregnancy and delivery went with Sam.  My 3rd baby, the joys of a growing family, the bliss of the anticipation of his birth without any worries of him dying during it.  Setting up a nursery with belief that he would sleep in it and I wouldn't find him dead one morning unexpectedly.  Thinking that very few (and certainly not me) people actually lost babies after the first trimester. 

Des is already asking me about our pedicures... I told her we'd have to go early since I could likely have the baby on my birthday (I keep joking that I'm getting a baby for my birthday).  This morning, I cut Isaiah's toenails and felt frustrated about the condition of mine and not being able to reach them.  I started thinking about our annual pedicures, my birthday, her diagnosis and expecting a new baby all at the same time and it felt so complex.  Suddenly, I realized how hard this was going to be...   Just like having Asa right before Rachel's 1st birthday.  I went about my morning chores and found a piece of paper that Des had written her login for a game she has...

User name: RachelAlice
Password: lived43

I started crying and continued crying through my morning tasks....  I know it's not for our best to be ignorant to how fragile life is.  I know God had great purpose for us in Rachel's short life and death.  I know that He has changed all of us for the better.  I know she is a blessing to us.  I truly believe that and KNOW it to be true.  But every once in a while, I wish it was different.  Every once in a while, I see kids who are just as clueless as their parents and I wish my kids didn't know what I wish I didn't have to know.  I wish we could have just kept her and walked along our merry way thinking that these things happen to other people.

My prenatal care will switch to Maine Med in two weeks.  I will once again drive that highway, where there is no exit 43, to the hospital that holds the only living moments of my daughter's life outside my womb.  They will do an ultrasound and tell me if I'm a candidate for another VBAC and then it starts... the countdown to the hallway....

Where so many knowing hearts break and the clueless ones just travel.  The hallway to the exit.  The hallway to the nursery or the funeral home.  The hallway to a life forever changed, one way or the other. 

I've traveled it both ways - with and without my baby and unfortunately, once you have done it without, it hurts no matter what.  And I feel like I'm waiting for so much more than a baby to be born.  I miss the simplicity of that with the others before Rachel.  I feel like I'm waiting for the answer.  I'm waiting for God to show me which door He will be leading me through. 

The miracle of this is that while I wait, I know He continues to use Rachel to refine me and draw me closer to him.  Because before her, getting ready to give birth was all about the strong woman in me who 'could do this' and resting in how God created my body to give birth.  Now I have to rest fully in Him and how strong He is... I have to rest in how He created my baby for a purpose and it might not be to make me happy.  I have to trust in HIS ability to get me through whatever might come my way.  And I have to completely surrender - not to my body as it pushes a life out of my womb... but to His plan as it breathes life into my soul.

And regardless of whether I travel that hallway with or without my little E in my arms, I will praise the Great and Holy God Who created this life to begin with and has allowed me to spend each moment I have so far as this precious child's mama.  And no matter whether He leads me through the door to my life with another baby in my arms - or has to drag me out the door towards another funeral and a baby in my heart... I will praise Him.  I will.  And I pray that from now until then, while I still am uncertain of which it will be, that I will be able to praise Him as I wait and thank Him every day for what He is doing in this hallway as I learn to trust him with another piece of my heart.

Solus Christus

Nothing I have done - or ever will do - for Rachel, through Rachel, or because of Rachel is of myself or in my strength.  It was all His plan from before the beginning of time and He prepared me in advance for the work He had set out for me to do.

Not to us, but to His name be the glory....

These are the lyrics to the song playing first on my blog now.... 

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I'll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

[chorus]
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

[chorus]
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

Picking Daisies

Saturday we got pizza and went to eat at Rachel's grave.  We stopped at McDonalds to get drinks on the way and there were daisies everywhere.  Matt hopped out and picked some for me to bring to her. 

 

I brought them and hung them on her shepherd hook.  I was wishing I had a vase so they wouldn't die right away. 

My visits have been less regular... almost never making it on Fridays anymore.  I'm just so tired and my days get away from me.  I don't feel the drive to get there on Fridays right now, so I go with whatever I need for the day.  Often it ends up being a Saturday or Sunday that I feel I want to be there.  I'm also starting to like to go with Matt more now, where I used to like to be alone.... I think partially because for a long time, he didn't really seem to like being there.  I'm not sure if it was just where he was at in his grieving process or not, but these days he will actually ask me if I want to go and it feels more like we're both 'in it' while we're there.... which is so good for my heart.  He helps me get it cleaned up (I hate dealing with bugs that gather in the grass clipping that land on her stone) and does the bending for me since I am not good at that these days. 

I can't believe she's been gone 2 1/2 years this month.  It feels like so much less and so much more at the same time. 

Feeling at a loss for words, but wanted to share about my guy picking his girls flowers.... I've been dying to get some of them off those hills and can't really do it myself, so it was a big deal.

Breaking My Pride

I have been missing Rachel a lot the last couple of days.  The roads and highways here are covered in wild daisies... and I want it to make me smile like it usually does.... but for some reason my heart feels heavy when I look at them.

If I could pick every one of them for her, I would.

I woke up yesterday and, as usual, she was one of the first thoughts on my mind.  I felt my eyes well up, but the feeling quickly turned to anger.  I HATE that she's gone.  As I threw my blankets off and got out of bed, I resented that I couldn't have been faced with a temporary trial.  Like, why couldn't I have had a serious illness that got really bad and I had to cling to God through and then after He healed me physically, I could say it was a trial I endured in the past?  And "Praise God!  I made it through and learned so much and now I can live like it never happened."  Why did I have to have a trial that meant my life could never be the same?  Why did it have to mean that every day for the rest of my life I would know that I could never fully recover from it because she will never return to me on this side of heaven?  And why did it have to be a trial that so few people around me understood?

I went into the kids' rooms as always, opening blinds and shutting off fans and as I swung the boy's blind string to the right, I bashed my funny bone on the bunk bed.  I wanted to cry, but instead I said a bad word. 

My mother always said anger was a second emotion... and I've found that to be true.  It's always followed after a different emotion that isn't quite as comfortable.  It's easier to be mad then to face the truth, that in my pride, I think I deserved to keep her.

She was never mine.

And the daisies everywhere are reminding me of that lately.

But maybe the biggest blessing on the path I have had to walk is that God continually breaks my pride - which has never done anything but keep me further from Him and allow me to falsely believe that I was better than I was.  Pride allowed me to think I didn't need him in certain parts of my life.  Pride kept me believing that I had control, even if just a tiny bit, over MY plans for my life.  Pride allowed me to think somehow that God was supposed to keep me happy, rather than showing me that in order to follow Him, I needed to be willing to pour myself completely, utterly out in order to be more like Him.  Pride told me I didn't have a problem with pride.  Pride built me up for a much bigger fall.  The higher you are, the further you have to drop - and everyone does eventually. 

The daily reminder of this as I miss my girl, knowing that this trial doesn't mean I have met my quota and will never suffer again, keeps me lower to the ground.  It keeps me humble.  It hurts, but brings life at the same time. It used to take a lot more than a hurt funny bone to get my attention.

When Rachel was lowered into a hole in the ground and covered in dirt, my entire being knew like never before how little control I have in this life... how helpless I am...how much I need Jesus.   I'm thankful that my pride was buried right along with my girl.  That my identity will never again be in anything but Jesus....that my devotion to Him got deeper and more true.... That I know where my true home is and that as a result, I am more sensitive to what God desires in my earthly life.  That having been loved so tenderly by The Great King during those days, my love for Him became richer and I became aware of His jealousy to own my heart completely....and more willing than ever to let Him.

I'm thankful that when I'm tempted to forget those things... I have the daily pain of losing my daughter, always breaking my pride and reminding me that I am entitled to nothing good in this life...yet He gives me so much more than I deserve.  Starting with the time I did get to spend with Rachel and how sweet it was to taste the goodness of the Lord and hold a piece of my heavenly home in my arms.

As He Promised

We went on a field trip with a homeschool group to York's Wild Kingdom on Thursday.  The kids were really excited that Matt took the day off to come with us.  I love watching these guys get so excited about everything and seeing how their personalities come out. 

Asa is such a brute... he was climbing fences and running right up to pet and feed animals with no fear.  I think he might have scared them though!

 

 

Isaiah was gathering every piece of dropped food off the ground so he could feed more to the animals and asking tons of questions.  And I hope we answered them correctly because I am sure we will be hearing them all back for a long time to come.  He is our little man with lots of random facts that he is VERY excited to talk about... all. the. time.

 

 

Sam was climbing fences every time we turned around - which is a new thing for him.  He's never been a rugged boy so this was kind of exciting for us to see him gaining strength and confidence... however, it was against the rules so immediately after taking the photo, I told him to get down. :)

 

Yes, that lady was walking over to tell him to get down... And his bad Mama was only worried about a picture!

 

And Desirae was seeking out all the babies to feed.... which was exactly what I used to do as a little girl...she wandered off away from the boys for quiet time with all of the animals and helped Asa along so he didn't get into too much trouble.  She is so sweet.

 

He really wanted in that cage.... this turned into a temper tantrum :)

 

I can't help it.  I go to things like this with our whole family and my heart feels it.... she's not with us.  And more than that, it feels the fact that nobody else knows. 

I have this constant internal struggle to not hold people accountable to remember her.  To understand that she is my daughter and accept that nobody else will care like I do.  To be okay with time moving forward and her becoming a sad story from the past to them, when she is always present to me and still part of my story every day....forever.  I try to believe that just because they won't say her name doesn't mean they don't think of her when they see us all together.  I fight the urge to say to every passerby who comments on our family size (and SO MANY do) that she is part of our gang too - and often I find myself saying it because I can't not say it.

When we walk into a room... my family... I want everyone to feel what I feel... that we are one short, even with our growing number.  I want them to know that I have not forgotten that I have a little girl waiting for us in heaven.  That the babies that have come since her will never replace her.  But nobody seems to - and I'm learning one interaction at a time how to deal with that hurt.  Because it hurts, even though it is completely unintentional, totally not unloving, and maybe not even universally true.  And it hurts, even though nobody would ever know I'm thinking about it at all.  Maybe that's part of why it hurts... because I feel so alone in it.  Maybe it hurts because I hate being alone in it.  And what do I expect people to say anyway?  "Hey, glad you're here, too bad Rachel isn't?"   I understand why it's not easy for people to do.  So many days I just wish that someone would just say they were thinking about her. 

As we stood in line with the other families waiting to enter the park, and all the surface conversations started and people start asking about how many kids we have, when I'm due and if we know what we're having... followed by the inevitable head count of their genders and how we 'really need a girl'.... My heart begs me... 

Just tell them we have two girls and that is only one less than the 3 boys, we're not *that* "out numbered"... and even if we were... at least their heads are round....  tell them that we're just thankful we get to keep the beautiful girl we have right here with us.  Tell them what's between the legs is the least of our worries....

And for the people that I know are aware of Rachel's death, my heart says...

tell them how many babies die each year.... tell them it's insensitive to make Desirae listen to this, as if it's not bad enough that her sister is dead....ask them if they think it doesn't hurt HER to constantly hear how lopsided our family count is - or if their child died if they would want to hear about the need to fill that gender spot in their family for it to be considered ideal or complete.  

But I can't.  That would be uncomfortable for them - and rude of me, right?  So, for Desirae's sake as much as my own, I decided a bathroom break was in order... Some times I really do wish my life could be as simple as it used to be... when standing in line with a group of people was just about waiting and not about missing someone and when having a baby was all about due dates and gender.

But God is always so good to me.  I sucked it up and tried to just focus on being with my family and we were about half way through the zoo when a lady walked up to me and asked if I was Stacy....  This is a common occurrence and I knew what was coming next... before she even said the words, I felt a weight lift off my heart...

"I follow your blog."  She said as I heard her daughter say to a little one she was holding "Let's go meet Stacy" and they joined our conversation and said she follows my blog too.   I will never tire of this...  hearing yet another person's story of how Rachel's life has reached and changed someone's heart.  And how my honesty in my grief has been a blessing.   I will never tire of hearing Rachel's name.  I was so thankful to hear her name that day.

Thank You Lord.... She isn't forgotten.... someone knows we are a big family who is still missing someone. 

Suddenly Rachel didn't feel so far away - or left out - anymore. 

She shared with me about a failed adoption she endured years ago and how hard it was... and told me that she has found comfort in my words about grief and loss. As much as it's a blessing to know people remember Rachel, I have to say that I am never more honored than when someone is willing to share their heart with me like this.  When someone I have never met feels safe enough and trusts me enough with their hearts to tell me about pain they went through - or still go through - and to know that they will be understood and that I care.  To know that when I started this blog I had no idea I would reach such people.... but God did....

In those moments, I am thankful for how God has prompted me to make myself so vulnerable in this trial.  I'm thankful for even the difficulties I have endured because of my openness.  I'm thankful to have been given such an amazing purpose in life and that it has helped me to keep Rachel's legacy going long after she left me... because had I believed the lie that in order to glorify Him I need to slap a smile on my face and say all the 'right' things all the time, this would have never happened.  I could have never helped so many people.  And I'm willing to bet I wouldn't have people approaching me everywhere we go telling me about their stories and still caring about mine.   And yes, this sweet lady allowed me to debrief about the struggle I was having up until that point in the day and her understanding helped me to let it all go. 

I had to work that night and so when we got home, I decided to lay down for the 50 minutes I had before I had to leave.  I crawled into bed with Rachel's blanket and all of this came to mind.... I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears started to fall and this is what was running through my mind...

I didn't deserve all this then.  I don't deserve all this now.  But God has given it to me.  In what could have been a fully painful and completely sad story.... He has given me beauty.  He has given me thankfulness.  He has given me purpose. He has given me joy.  He has given me amazing conversations in the warm sun with complete strangers at a zoo an hour away from home - exactly when I need them most - and hundreds of stories just like it - so many I cannot even remember or count them all.  He has given me more than I ever could have imagined... and far more than I deserve.  And He did it all through my daughter's death.  It just doesn't make sense.  On top of it all, he has given all of this to my children who have watched how he has provided for their Mama through the hardest trial I will ever endure.  For this mama, that is more important than anything I could have received for myself through all of this because I know He is using this in their lives as well.

I got so emotional, I thought my chance at a cat nap was over....  but just as I decided I should get up so I wouldn't be worse off for work, and even as my tears still dropped to the pillow, I fell fast asleep.  And I woke up a half hour later feeling like I had a good rest and ready for work.

Today at our morning worship, we sang the hymn Like a River Glorious.  The last line sums up what this journey through anencephaly, loss, hope, grief, surrender, joy and unexpected blessings has taught me.....

"Those who trust Him wholly, find Him wholly true."

The refrain sings.... "Stayed up on Jehovah, hearts are fully blest - finding , as He promised, perfect peace and rest."

I claim no credit for leaning on him wholly through this.  In my humanness, I am not capable.  My heart is prone to wander and leave the God I love.  I give all the glory to God for holding me close and drawing me near through this valley.... and for proving His faithfulness true over and over to me as I wade through the uncertain waters and wait on His promises with Hope.  He has never let me down - and even in the midst of heartache and despair, I have found peace and rest in Him... just as He promised.

True Love

Singing "My Jesus, I love thee" (one of the best hymns ever) together tonight on the couch during our family devotions....

Asa was giving me each foot, one at a time, for me to pick out his toe jam and I was doing it gladly without thinking twice....

Sam interrupted the song to say "Daddy, you have big teeth" as he sang along with him about 3 inches from his face.

Isaiah was going between really quiet and extremely loud depending on which words he knows.

Des was getting frustrated that we were off beat from the instrumental version we were listening to as background music.

My Little E was dancing around and seemingly trying to get away from big brother Asa who kept kicking my belly with his chubby feet because my toe jam removal was tickling him.

It was a very unorganized display of worship, and yet I knew it was pleasing to God as we loved each other and sang to him.  We are so blessed in so many ways.  The only thing that would make this any better would be if the little girl who made these lyrics so meaningful to me was here with us too.  I bet she would have been twirling around the living room.

I can't remember, but I'm sure I had heard this song before I was pregnant with Rachel, but it was during my time with her that this song became one of my favorites.  At a time when it would have been so easy to be upset with God for the lot He was giving me, I was never so grateful to him... and I think it all came down to the fact that until Rachel, heaven never mattered so much to me.  Because until her, it seemed to be just an intangible place far away that wouldn't apply to me for a long time.  I know as Christians we are supposed to long to be there, but I'll admit it, I didn't.  I loved my earthly life too much to want to be anywhere else, even if it was supposed to be better. 

But as I prepared to meet her and then send her so quickly off to a place where she would still live, but could only go because of Jesus  - and I only had a guarantee of seeing her again because of my belief and trust in His death on the cross...  well, my love for him could only get deeper.  As my pride was diminished in the realization of my dependence on him, His forgiveness of my sins could only be more beautiful.  The sacrifice He made for me more amazing.  The hope of being reunited with her and His promise to carry me until I get there no matter how painful it is along the way.... knowing He was going to take better care of her than I ever could and eventually all of my earthy pain would cease forever....

I'm not sure I can put words to what that feels like....to be able to call Jesus mine and to know I am His.  I'm not sure I can describe what it means to love him in death...the death of my daughter... all I can say is it's way more real and deep and humbling and joyful and awe-filled than anything I ever experienced as I loved him through life before her.  And when I truly started to understand how deep His love for me is and how trustworthy and faithful He is, even when His plan is not what I would choose....  I wonder if perhaps that is when I really began to understand what Love is at all.  I'm not sure I knew True Love before. I thought I did, but I had no idea what I was missing.  It's amazing.

And so while Isaiah's prayer during our prayer time following our songs was "Please don't let the new baby be like Rachel" and I understand what he means,  I am so thankful that Rachel was and is exactly who she was and is.  Because as I sing "If ever I loved Thee, My Jesus, 'tis now" and I feel the tears come to my eyes with gratitude for what He has done for me and my sweet baby, I know that this journey has been a true gift to me in so many ways. 

Jesus, thank You for this hard road so paved with Your True Love and the story of You, my gracious Redeemer and Savior.  Thank you for allowing me the privilege of mothering Rachel, for taking her to heaven to be with you fully, and for the promise of eternity with you both.  I love You Lord....more than ever before....I love You.

 

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign;
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

 

I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree;
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

 

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

Dunkin Donut Delivery!!

11 years ago today, I signed out of the county jail on a Friday morning for a day of work release at Dunkin Donuts.  I had asked the jail for a pregnancy test a few times, but they were refusing to give me one.  I had been incarcerated for two weeks by then and had another 11 1/2 months ahead of me.  My attorney agreed to buy me a test and bring it to me at work so that I could get the proper care if I was indeed pregnant.

My circumstances didn't exactly scream "This is a perfect time to be pregnant!!" and yet, I was secretly hoping for two lines.  I saw the secretary from my attorney's office approach the front door, I met her there and took the bag from her.  "Let us know how it goes" she said as she left.

I held onto the test, not able to think about anything else until my first break around 10am.  I went in the stinky bathroom and peed on the stick.  Immediately there were two dark lines.  I looked up at my reflection in the mirror with nothing but excitement, like a little child on the way to an amusement park.  I had no idea the ride I was in for, but I couldn't wait to experience it!

I guess in my naivety I didn't expect people to tell me it would be 'more responsible' or the 'right thing to do' to abort my baby.  I was not a believer then, nor was I exactly pro-life, but I was already in love.  Abortions, I thought, were for the young girls who get raped or are 'too young to be a parent' or just didn't want a baby... and since at that point in my life truth and what was right were relative, and I didn't think those applied to me - why would anyone else? 

I remember making the collect calls excitedly whispering (because I couldn't let the jail know that I had met up with anyone to get the test) about my new baby.  Matt was excited (I have mentioned he's amazing right?  Just 20 years old, pregnant girlfriend in jail and he was all in and ready to support me)  When I got my first letter from someone in Matt's family who I hardly knew at that point (because I hardly knew HIM!) saying it would be best to abort my baby, I was devastated.  And for the next few weeks, that wouldn't be the last person suggesting it.

Ironically, it was that very letter, in that hard situation, that started to change my belief about the "Pro-Choice" movement.  I now know it is actually a Pro-Abortion movement and really has nothing to do with what the girl who is pregnant wants (otherwise people wouldn't pressure them to move as quickly as possible and under educate them about such a huge decision)  But more to do with their own belief about life and what is important to THEM.  I clearly wanted my baby and these people weren't offering me help with diapers, but instead telling me why I should abort and offering help with payment for her murder.  That would be my sweet, unbelievably smart, gentle, loving and witty Desirae May's murder. 

It doesn't change what it is just because you don't yet know what color her hair would be, how smart she would be, or how beautifully she would play the piano.  And it doesn't change what it is because I haven't yet proven my abilities to care for her or because you don't yet know that I was to be released from jail early.....which I was.  It is murder and it's presented as a good way out of a bad mistake - for both you and the baby who won't have to be subjected to your poor circumstances if you make a better choice and end it's life. ??

I am so thankful that I didn't believe the lies that I was better off without her or that I was unable to care for her.  The fear tactics people used to get me to get rid of my 'problem'.... "You'll have this baby in jail and when you do, my mom will have to take care of it while Matt works two jobs to try to support it... I wonder if mom would be so excited if she knew of these ramifications"  Crushing my heart and trying to take any ounce of excitement away when I had nothing else to live for in life.  What for?  Because she actually truly believed that was a better decision than having my baby.  I think she truly believed I needed to hear that people would support me if I realized what a mistake I was making... and my favorite line in the letter "Nobody would even have to know."   Except, I would.  God would.  And all these years later, I would still be suffering alone because I know that people do not welcome conversations about how you aborted your baby.  If they turn away when I talk about Rachel, I can only imagine the response a post abortive mother gets as she tries to grieve the baby she lost, even if by her own 'choice'.  And this is where I would strongly encourage you not to judge people who have had abortions, because believe me, they didn't get away from that free.  No matter what anyone tries to convince people, abortion hurts everyone involved.  every. single. time.

I'm so glad that fear didn't take over... and instead that God used her - that jail 'pregnancy' - to help me, to draw me to Him, and to change my life for better forever.  Only a God like mine could - and would be willing through his mercy and grace - to take a situation like that, where I was living so against Him, and use it for my good and His glory.  And has He ever. 

I first stepped foot in a church when Desirae was 18 months old because I was a single mother and wanted to do something good 'for her'.  Imagine that.... God using a mother's love and devotion to draw her to Himself.... He makes us with that instinct for a reason.  Later, He used Desirae again to draw Matt to a relationship with Jesus and our family was reunited and now loves and follows Him together.  Desirae was the glue that kept us together as we made our way to Jesus.

I woke up today and the first thought on my mind was "I've been a mother for 11 years."  Anniversaries really stay with me.  I'm so thankful that I am not grieving an anniversary now of a 'choice' I made 11 years ago that I cannot take back.  And I am so thankful for every minute of the past 11 years with this child - and all the ways my life is different because of her.  This is why I strongly encourage you to never judge a young, unwed mother.  God has a plan in everything.  When you see a young girl with no ring and a huge belly, pray for her (WITH her!) - that God will bless her for welcoming His child and use that child to save her soul from eternity in hell.  Pray for protection on that baby, but rejoice that she didn't kill it.  Not just for the baby, but for her too. Pray that it will change her life.  Offer to help her...be His hands and feet in her life....tell her the truth....but don't judge her.  God has that taken care of.

I came downstairs and made a coffee.  I told Des what today was and her response was "Can we have some ice cream?" (apparently I've taught her the right way to celebrate!!) :)   We sat down to do our catechism, and I couldn't help but drift into thought about that morning in the Dunkin Donuts bathroom all those years ago.  Just as I did, I saw one of Desirae's friend's mothers pull up.  It was not even 8am and she's only been here once before to drop Des off after a play date, so I was confused.  I looked at Matt and asked if we were expecting Monica for any reason.... I went to the door and she said "Donut Delivery!" as she handed me 6 Dunkin Donuts, one for each of us. 

I don't suppose God was letting me know He still remembers that day too, 11 years ago in the Dunkins bathroom when I gratefully welcomed His child....  He is in every single detail, through every situation.  Sometimes it's a big news delivery on a Friday morning, all alone in a stinky bathroom at the donut shop - and sometimes it's the small donut delivery surrounded by my family on a Friday morning at home.....And sometimes it is in the way He can make them happen on the same day 11 years apart (of course, on Fridays) when He knows I will notice. 

All of my kids have a flower that represents them in my heart... Desirae's is the pink carnation... and so today when I stopped to pick up Rachel's daisies, I had them wrap up a pretty pink carnation for my big girl too.  I brought it out to her and said "Thanks for making me a Mama" and she was SO excited... She said "First Dunkin Donuts and now a pink carnation!"  I smiled at how closely that resembled my pregnancy with her.... it started at Dunkins and ended with a beautiful pink flower.

I saw Matt pull up after work with a long red rose and smiled.... He had stopped at the same flower shop I had gone to earlier to get me some daisies and they told him that I had already been in and that I bought Rachel and Des both flowers... so he got me a rose instead.

So this morning we all ate donuts for breakfast and tonight, all the Aube girls have pretty fresh flowers.  And of course, we celebrated with ice cream, which helped the boys to not feel left out! It's been a good day.

Matt had Asa hand it to me... he really wanted to keep it!

Dancing With My Little Seed

I was stopped at a stop light the other day when this perfectly shaped dandelion seed floated in through the passenger window and danced around me.  It was an unlikely place in the center of town for dandelion seeds to be in the air, but that thought never crossed my mind until right now....

I cupped my hand and moved it around under it, trying to catch it without affecting it's beauty.  No longer concerned with the color of the stop light in front of me, I'm not sure if I held up traffic or not.  But I couldn't ignore it.  The air coming in from both sides of the van was causing it to move back and forth.  The kids were now cheering me on in hopes I would be able to keep this little seed that I was so determined to hold.

I realized if I wanted to catch it for keeps, I'd have to slow the air flow so, without taking my eyes off of it, I reached with my left hand and rolled up my window.... and then moved to the button for the passenger window.... the second window started to go up and I knew I would have the seed safe within my hand in just a few moments....

It started to fall towards me as the breeze slowed.... it touched my hand for just a brief moment and immediately rose again and flew out the window.  I looked in the rear view to see all of the kids looking at me with unsure faces....Did Mama get to keep the seed?

I told them it got away and looked back to the traffic light.... which was green.... and carried on our route.

In those few shorts moments with this beautiful seed and my attempt at catching it, I knew it was just like my girl....  The second it touched my skin and then floated away, I knew it.   It was a picture of her... dancing around me as I tried to find a way to keep it, touching down so momentarily and floating away too soon....sure to leave flowers in places I will never be able to identify... and sadly, just not mine to keep.

I told Matt about it yesterday and as I told him about it landing for a second in my hand, Des added from the back seat... "And it made Mama giggle when it touched her."

I smiled as I remembered that I had giggled like a little girl who just had a butterfly land on her hand... But somehow I hadn't remembered that part.  But I did. I giggled.  It brought this unexplainable and unexpected little piece of joy and laughter to my heart in that moment that if I had just stared straight ahead at the light and kept going, I would have missed.  And the amazing thing about it all is that I can still remember everything about the short time there.... the bright sun, the warm breeze, the music playing, the kids watching me, the determination I had, the smile it brought, the acceptance I had as it flew right back to where it had come from.

And I know that I will probably remember that moment every time I pass that corner in the middle of town.  The place where it is legal to turn right on red, but I didn't.  I stayed still and let God have His way with my heart and this little seed He created.  Some may wonder, what's the point?  It's just a seed that will float away anyway and maybe plant a weed somewhere...  But when I see dandelions, I don't see them as weeds... I see them as unstoppable flowers that grow in the harshest conditions and add a lasting legacy of color everywhere you look, making generations of children laugh, giggle, dance and spin.... with innocence and hope.

I think of how many places, people, stories and little pieces of joy and laughter I have had along this journey with Rachel and I am carried away in a sweet breeze of thankfulness and hopeful expectation, knowing that I have been given such an amazing gift in her... and precisely because of how gentle, delicate and short my time with her was... learning the hard lesson that no matter how hard I try, sometimes God has different plans and as I every day have to again commit my daughter to His hands and trust His great and perfect plan for me - and for her.

Irreplaceable, undeniable, unexplainable, everlasting, eternal, full of hope and acceptance...peace and joy... I put my all into holding her and was blessed to do that for just a short time before she drifted away. 

But the dance, the Hope, the giggle.... their mine to keep and even though it hurts and I'm disappointed with the outcome, I will always remember that place in time.  And every time I see a little flower, I will wonder if my little seed planted it.

Purpose Given Brain

Just finished our end of the year CAT testing... we did the online version, not sure I love that - seems time was wasted scrolling up and down and fighting with the computer. But I LOVE that you get instant results...

I'm so proud and yet so humbled by how well my girl scored.  10 yrs old scoring in the 5th month of 10th grade in language?!  Based on her age, she should be at the end of 4th grade right now.  I know it's not all that uncommon with homeschoolers.... and she usually does score high, but the last couple of years have been hard with Rachel and Asa and now Baby E and I really felt like I wasn't doing well teaching her.  I honestly thought we were going to have to work through the summer to keep up with where she 'should be'.  Even in the subjects I thought she was 'behind' in, she scored above average.  We actually finished our curriculum for this year over a month ago and I moved her right into the next year's work because I felt like she should be further.  I'm such an over achiever... 

I reminded her that her brain is a gift from God that not everyone is given - and of course as I say the words, Rachel is so heavy on my heart I can't tell if my tears are from how proud I am of Des or if they are because I am so painfully aware of the magnitude of what I am saying to her. 

My deepest prayer is that she will use her brain for His purposes and never take for granted that what some have to work so hard to achieve comes easy to her.  I pray she never forgets that every thought, every idea, every bit of intellect that she possesses comes from God, wrapped in an organ that her little sister was not given...and that she can't take credit for. (neither can I)  And just as there are eternal purposes for Rachel being made perfectly without her brain, I pray that Desirae understands that her being born with one should be used for God's eternal purposes as well.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 

Philippians 3:8

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ

And so as I sat here looking at her scores, I wasn't prepared for the overflow of emotion that would follow.  I sat here crying and I can't even really put my finger on what about.... thankful for her brain... sad that Rachel didn't have one... relief that I haven't failed her completely (yet) ...humbled....proud....grateful to have the opportunity to have such a huge role in this part of my children's lives.... scared that the others will struggle more than she does and I won't be able to help them....guilt over doubting her... fear of missing something she needs to know....the weight of the responsibility of everything they need resting on me....am I enough?  In a world that constantly insists that children are better off with someone else, away from their homes, letting the 'professionals' take care of them because their mother couldn't possibly meet all their needs... heck, how could she fill them if she doesn't even really understand them without her teaching degree??... am I enough?   

And then I remember that God gave me this role.... and if He gave me a task to do - to raise and teach my children, which He did - He isn't going to leave me to do it alone.  And HE IS ENOUGH!  And I am just so thankful because I am completely inadequate for this job.  I stink at math, I hate doing science projects (although I love watching them, so I must be lazy too!), I am unorganized and undisciplined, and patience has never been a virtue that comes easy to me.  I have a house full of little kids and couldn't even get the room quiet for her testing - all the while feeling like I was failing her for 'denying' her the quietness of a classroom filled with 30 kids all her own age and a teacher other than me with a stop watch sending the loud kids to the office. (oh, how I wish I could send the loud kids to the office some days!!)  I have been pregnant over and over and half of the things on my heart to do for these guys never get done because I am not capable.

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 

And I'm just crazy enough to admit all that, although most people won't, because I know there is someone who will relate and will be encouraged to know that I don't have it all together either.  I hate when people say "I couldn't homeschool... I'm not patient enough".... oh. my. gosh.... me either!!!  But that's just it.... God is refining me in this position he gave ME - in His infinite wisdom and mercy, He is making me more like Him as my impatience is put right in my face every day.  And as that happens, HIS unbelievable patience with ME is even more clear and I am again humbled by His love.  He has a plan in this.... Good things are hard and worth sacrifice.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, I've decided, not only are we not going to do school through the summer, we are starting our break early...like today!! This child does not need summer school! I am going to use my time to get next year mapped out (for the planner in me) and lesson plans done so that when the baby gets here, I will be good to go for a while. In the meantime, I'm going to work with them on devotions, obedience and godly character... my three favorite homeschool subjects that never get attention in other schools. :) And while I'm teaching them, I am sure God will be teaching me in the same areas.

I totally didn't expect all of that to just come out.... I guess my main point is my daughter is a genius, we can't take credit for it, and summer time has begun at the Aube house!  Looking forward to a whole bunch of nothing with my kids as we love God and each other, getting to know Him and each other more and more each day because we can!  I honestly have never been more excited about my Daughter of God, Devoted Wife, and Full Time Homeschool Mama role than I am right now - and it has absolutely nothing to do with her grades....  but you know, I do believe that God used Rachel to help get me here - in more ways than one.

Our first day of summer break... kicked off with a picnic near Rachel's garden!

After the Rain - My Mother's Day Sun

My 3rd Mother's Day since she left.....  hard to believe I'm on my 3rd round of 'withouts'.

We have had nothing but sunshine for weeks and this weekend was rainy.  I woke up to pouring rain and was slightly disappointed.  Rain is never fun at the cemetery and I knew I wanted to get there.  I grabbed my daisy umbrella on the way out to church and accepted that God must have something in this rain for me - and it might not be for today.

At church, we sang the song "You dance over me, while I am unaware, You sing all around, but I never hear a sound.... Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You... how You love me."

Baby E hardly ever moves (at least that I feel) while I am up and moving around... but I could feel the dance moves going.... I smiled as I remembered how Rachel always did that - didn't matter if I was standing or not, that girl danced....especially during worship.  I was also overwhelmed with the thoughts of how amazingly God loves me - and how the dance that Rachel & I had together was not just the two of us... He was in every step.  I was brought right back to the day she was born.... no sound at all, and yet I could feel Him there and I knew she was there...and somehow when her soul left her body, I could feel it - even though not much changed about her body yet....and in that moment, I think I felt more of Him than I ever had before and ever will again.  Dancing over me... singing all around....welcoming my little girl into His arms....

During the sermon, the program from Rachel's service slipped from a few pages back in my bible... I looked at Matt and the tears just fell.  I didn't think I was fighting them back, I hadn't felt overly emotional yet, but in that moment I really wanted them to stop and they wouldn't.  I can't believe I really lost a child.  

We left and went for our Mother's Day trip to the greenhouse.  This has turned into an annual thing.  It's one of my favorite places to go and if I can go with my family and they are excited to be there... even better!! 

I began my 3rd trimester today!!  28 weeks!

If you remember, last year we 'accidentally' stumbled upon annual dahlias called "Rachel".  I just reread my post about last year's Mother's Day.... I'm glad I write because I didn't remember most of it.  You can read it HERE.  God is very good. 

I had told Matt that for my gift this year, all I wanted was to get some plants for my garden.  I knew I wanted the same "Rachel" Dahlias, but wasn't sure they'd have them again.  And Matt said he had bought me a pot that he wanted to get a house plant for.  We found the dahlias pretty easily, and I was so relieved.  Picked up 6 this year, one for each of the kids, and then picked out some flowers for Rachel's grave.  I picked out some yellow ones since yellow (ironically not pink or purple!) has always been a color that reminds me of her.  I started to second guess that maybe I wanted a more vibrant color and decided to check the names... the yellow ones were called "Sunshine".... In the cart they went! 

I couldn't believe how smoothly the trip was going - and because it wasn't sunny, it wasn't 100 degrees in there like usual, which was much more enjoyable.  We made our way into the section for house plants and stopped at the first table.  I picked up a cute little plant and looked at the name.... "Hope"  Imagine that! first one I touched!  I showed Matt and he said "That's the one!  I prayed that this day would be special for you. God is answering." and he put it in the cart.  I asked "How much is it?" and words I never hear come from my husband's mouth came out.... "I don't care how much it is, it's perfect." 

I read the back of the card to check what it required for care... it reads "Thick green rounded leaves with a trailing habit and low water requirements... this plant is a survivor."  If you read my post from last year, you will see that when I summed up my feelings on the day, I said "I survived it." 

I have survived this entire journey on one thing alone.... HOPE.  Hope in miracles, Hope in Jesus, Hope in heaven.  This plant was heaven sent, just like the Rachel Dahlias were last year.  I'm thankful for moments like these when I know that God is still present - still leading us - still caring about the details of our life after losing Rachel.  Still giving us Hope to plant... and letting us see Rachel bloom through His perfect combination of rain and sunshine.

He even potted it for me when we got home!

 

We left there and grabbed some pizza and went to Rachel's grave.  Unlike last year, I was not greeted with a bunch of gifts on her grave.  There wasn't one.  And strangely, I didn't even notice the huge contrast until I read last year's post. 

 

What I did receive when I got there was unbelievable sunshine!!  The day went from pouring to absolutely perfect, beautiful weather.  Matt cleaned up around her stone for me (he used a plastic butter knife to cut the grass!!) and the kids ran around in the field of dandelions across the way laughing and chasing each other. They are so thoughtful and truly the best gifts of my life... Des & Isaiah kept bringing me flowers and seeded dandelions - so excited to be including Rachel for me.  Isaiah would yell "Mama, I have something that will remind you of Rachel!"

There was another woman bringing Daisies to her husband and son's grave nearby and she came to tell us that her and her husband used to visit Rachel together when they visited their son and loved all the pretty things I put there for her.  She said she walked down the isle 49 years ago with daisies in her hand.  At one point I turned to look and Asa was standing next to her, smelling her flowers.  I went over to get him and talked to her again for a while and as I did, Isaiah sat at our feet clearing around her husband and son's graves with a plastic knife just like Matt did for me!  And here and there he would get involved in the conversation with things like "Did Mike love God?"  I love that kid, he is really a mini-Matt.  I love his servants heart and how he unashamedly talks to people - even complete strangers - about God.

 

We came home and worked in the garden together for a couple of hours.  And I noticed that in just the last 2 days of rain, everything in my garden has sprouted like crazy!  The weeks of sun didn't accomplish what 2 days of rain did.  The peonies are now at least 6 inches higher than they were before the rain - I've never seen anything like it.  But I don't think it's a coincidence that on Mother's Day I am reminded so clearly that pretty things need rain to grow.... but you never notice the growth while it's raining, nor do you reap the benefits.... it's after the rain that the beauty blooms and the scent lingers.  And somehow, after a few days of darkness, we all appreciate more truly the same sun that before we had taken for granted.  That's my journey with Rachel.... dancing in the rain... thanking God for everything.  Everything.  Not just the sun, or what we deem to be a 'good' day.  Because He has purposes in the rain and I've come to realize that the rain makes everything more beautiful. 

 

We ate dinner, did our family devotion time, had ice cream sundaes. I soaked my feet and then I instructed Matt on how to give me a pedicure.... and he did every detail from pushing my cuticles back (which he totally didn't understand the point of, but trust me, it's important), to scrubbing the calluses and giving me a great foot rub! It might be the best pedicure I've ever had.  My feet are very happy.

 

Throughout the entire day, the kids were so excited to celebrate Mother's Day.... they would randomly shout "Happy Mother's Day Mama!" and kept saying how it was the "best day ever".... and I think I would have to agree.  My entire family was out working to get our yard cleaned up for me.  They helped me dig and plant things just where I wanted and they were so cheerful about it.  It was such a blessing. 

 

This is the life I have always wanted.... We don't have a lot, but always enough. Things aren't always easy, but God is always faithful.  We have endured some storms.... but in those times, we have learned how to dance in the rain.  And best of all, we have gotten closer to each other and to our God as we have allowed Him to grow us through the dark rainy days.