Friday, February 3, 2012
14 Months, Still Missing Her
This anniversary hit me harder than last month - maybe because last month I was preoccupied with Desirae's birthday - or maybe because this month the 3rd landed on a Friday....or maybe grief is just like that, strange and unpredictable.
When we first got Rachel's diagnosis, I refused to look it up on line. I knew it wouldn't be good for me. My sister did research for me and told me anything I needed to know. But one of the sites she found, she said I should look at cause it would be encouraging for me and help me prepare. I trusted her advice and that is when I found the Anencephaly.info site. I used this site and the stories and photos there to help me to understand what I had ahead of me. I also used the photos that these families shared to help prepare Desirae to meet her little sister. I have a link for how family and friends can help us on the side of my blog that goes to this same site.
Yesterday I was honored to receive an email with THIS LINK in it. When I opened it up, I sat here and cried. Never did I ever imagine that I would have a child die, let alone from anencephaly....and even when I knew I was going to see both happen, I never thought she would be on this site and able to help so many other grieving parents. I'm sad that she qualifies to be there and yet so thankful that this site is available and easy to find for people who receive this devastating diagnosis.
I had wanted to take down her Christmas decorations today, but I failed to pull together a replacement for them and I want to have something to put in their place. I still have her little tree up here too, I'm waiting until hers comes down before I put this one away. It somehow makes me feel closer to her if I have things here and there that are similar - I also like to keep things that I will eventually bring there here for a while so it's more like a piece of our home is at her grave. And then when I take things back home from her grave, I keep them out here. I know, it probably sounds weird.
I started to feel really bad this morning when I was at the craft store last minute trying to figure out what to do for her grave for February - it's still snowy and cold and too early for spring decor, but the Valentines stuff just wasn't doing it for me and the snow isn't staying deep enough for a snowman. I started to feel emotional over the whole thing and decided I would leave her grave the way it is and just bring something from home for her. So I made a little bouquet of flowers I had here and laminated a little poem that I came across the other day from one of the pamphlets I have and when Matt got out of work, we went down to the cemetery. I've been glad to have him go with me more lately.
Tonight I bought a fresh bouquet of daisies for my counter. The ones I bought the day before Desirae's birthday are just starting to wilt.... it's been 14 months of fresh flowers around here, always reminding me of my delicate, unique, beautiful gift from God that was like a splash of color and a sweet fragrance that pushed up through the broken ground. My sweet Rachel Alice. I miss you so much it hurts baby girl.
Here is the poem I left for her today....
♥ To Our Rachel Alice ♥
Precious tiny, sweet little one -You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent - Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life - And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come - And join our family.
We never had the chance to play - To laugh, to rock to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now - And listen to you giggle.
But now you're gone and yet you're here - We sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy - There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong - We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had - And yet will have forever.
We miss you so much sweet girl - every minute of every day
for the last 14 months and for the rest of my life,
You're in my heart always.
Mama, Daddy, Desirae, Isaiah, Samuel & Asa ♥