We were overwhelmed by how many people came and for over 4 hours, I was standing talking to people.... I felt it in my knees when I got home. I didn't realize how much it would wear me out, but basically when I got home, I pumped, ate dinner and sat on the couch with Asa. I fell asleep during family devotions at around 7pm and slept all night. (almost)
I woke up at 1am and since I had already slept more than I do in a usual night, felt wide awake. I had a snack and watched a couple episodes of the Wonder Years (anyone else find that show depressing?? Love it, but the end of each show always leaves me sad...) I had Asa in his new "I stole Mommy's ♥" shirt. He was all snuggly laying on my chest. He stretched and his hand touched my face and he left it resting there.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I can't believe I get to spend all my time with a real live baby who loves me to pieces.... and.... how on earth did I make it all those months, without Rachel before Asa, without dying from a broken heart and the ache of empty arms??
It hurts so much now I can hardly grasp how much it hurt then. I know the pain was deeper and more constant - IT WAS ME. I went through it - and for some reason, I have a hard time really understanding how I'm still alive after pain like that - aside from God carrying me. It feels like it was someone else - especially when I look at photos from when I was pregnant and from the things I did in her memory just a few months after she had died. I'm probably not making any sense.... I guess all I can really say is I miss her like crazy and love him like crazy. The two completely huge and overwhelming feelings sometimes leave me with only two options... cry and never stop or smile and never stop. Both would make me feel and look crazy and so I guess I'll just go for the ultimate crazy look... I'll do both at the same time for the rest of my life - and maybe I'll wear a pin up just to top it off.
At the open house yesterday, I talked with 2 other mothers who both lost their sons. These boys were much older than Rachel - they were young men. But these moms invited me to hang out with them some time because being together helps them to know that they aren't crazy.... "or that if they are crazy, at least they aren't alone in it." We laughed, but we all knew it was true. We all long to be understood - to know that with a few simple words someone 'gets us'. We want our new normal to not feel so crazy and unpredictable.
I'll admit, between my hair-do, my broken heart and the depth of my missing Rachel, my intense love for this sweet baby, falling asleep sitting up, eating string cheese at 1 am while watching Kevin Arnold try to figure out life, I felt crazy last night. But in the best possible way one could ever be crazy.
Crazy for love.
I'm thankful that I love so deeply - even if it makes me hurt deeper too. And if the two have to go hand in hand for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. I would never go back to the days before my girl - she has shown me it's okay to be unashamedly crazy for love.
I don't assume they celebrate Valentines Day in heaven, but I bet I'll see a heart in an unusual place tomorrow, reminding me of her presence in my life even still.
I love you with all that I am sweet baby girl....yesterday, today, forever. ♥