Morning Coffee Talk

Isaiah asked to hold Asa and then asked me to take their picture.

 
I gave him the baby and took their picture and poured myself some coffee. 

"It's good you have that picture, Mama."  He said.  I nodded and told him it was a cute one.
"Cause that way if I die and Asa dies you'll be able to remember us"

My heart sank.  Hardly the morning coffee conversation I had expected.

"I could never forget you, Isaiah" I assured him.
"But what if Daddy did?"
"He couldn't either - we love you too much to ever forget you...we remember Rachel, don't we?"
"Would you be really sad if I died?"
"I would be devastated."

I could see in his eyes that this was weighing on him.  My little 5 year old boy seemed to be figuring out the finality of death....on earth.

Des spoke up and said "I think Isaiah's forgetting that by the time he dies, you'll already be dead cause you're WAY older than him"

"I hope that's the way it goes" I said completely unconvinced that it will go that way - no matter how much I think it should.

I changed the subject and as they moved on to the next topic at hand, I wondered to myself why my children need to know this reality so young.... and wondering if I've completely screwed them up being so open and honest with them along this journey.  I have to believe that God will use this in their lives too and that sheltering them from the reality of death does them no real good.  I know I've followed His lead on how I've walked my kids through this.  But in the back of my mind.... the place where all Mamas store their guilt....I felt like I had made a mistake. 

One dead, Four left to figure it out.  My heart breaks for all of them.