We'll Be Home in a Minute

Yesterday we had an appt for Desirae and as I was packing us to go she asked if we could get a babysitter for the boys.  I told her no, it's easier to just go and she let me in on one of her worries...

"But then everyone is going to say 'Wow, you have YOUR hands full' to you and 'Are you the big sister to ALL of these BOYS?' to me." (add rolling eyes and sarcastic tones)  I smiled because she's totally right.  EVERYONE tells me I have my hands full.  But I didn't notice that they consistently then go onto the next obvious thing...Des is stuck with all boys - 3 of them!  She hates the reminder.

I said "well, when they say that you can just say "I have a sister, too" and smile. 

She liked my idea, I could tell by the way her face lit up at my suggestion - but then she told me how she would finish off the comment...  " Yeah...I'll be like, I have a sister, too... She's at HOME" 

Yes she is. 

As I drove home from that appointment, (after being told I had my hands full!!) I thought about Desirae's words earlier that morning.  I thought about the fact that we are just on our way to where Rachel is, it's just a long ride.  I pondered the idea of time here vs. time in heaven.  And I really think that from the time Rachel got there until when we arrive, to her it might just feel like the time it takes us to drive home from an appointment.  I figure this is one of those areas that we cannot comprehend God.  Time.  Although the minutes on earth feel like forever until I'll see her again, He really hasn't separated us for that long in heaven's minutes. 

I talked to my mother in law on the phone yesterday and when I hung up the timer on the clock indicated it had been exactly 43 minutes since I dialed her number.  I couldn't believe it.  It didn't feel like long to me and my heart broke when I thought about the fact that it was the same amount of time I had with my girl.... I thought back to her birthday - that's it?  It went by so quickly. 

Today Sam had an appointment at the Neurologist.  He has a really deep sacral dimple that a few doctors have been concerned about now.  He had an ultrasound on it when he was 18 months old, but apparently the doctor who ordered that didn't know that would be too old for Spina Bifida to show (another neural tube defect that presents itself as a hole where Sam's dimple is)  So anyway, his primary doctor wanted me to get a 2nd opinion to see if we need to do an MRI on him, which thankfully, he didn't think we do.  But as I sat in his office and looked around, there were models of brains all over the room.  That's what he specializes in....I tried not to think about it, but it was impossible.... she was missing that part.  I wanted to show my kids 'Hey look, this is a brain'  but I couldn't.  I couldn't say it without saying, this is why Rachel died.

Why couldn't it have just formed?  I guess technically, it tried to but because it was exposed to my fluid, couldn't.  Yep, that makes me cry.  I hate it.

I was on my way out of that appointment and the lady said "You have your hands full!"  (I could almost see Des' eyes roll right out of her head!)  I smiled and said "Yes, I do and my heart is full too."  and as I snapped the baby in to his seat, I looked up and said  "we're on our way home."

And suddenly Rachel didn't feel so far away.