"Success"

These past couple of days have been pretty amazing.  I started back doing hair on Thursday.  Today will be my 3rd day working in a row - and I'm having fun, but can't wait for tomorrow when I can stay with my family for a few days.  I have been SO blessed by you guys though....

I was on my way out the door to go to work Thursday when the mail came and I got a card from my friend Donna wishing me a good first day and a little stone with a flower on one side and an angel on the other that says "success".  I smiled, tucked it in my pocket and left.  (Thank you, Donna - I love you!!)

I got in my van and turned around to back out of the driveway.... there were the MOST rainbows from my little heart shaped sun catcher that I've ever seen in my car.  I had to fight back the tears for my mascara's sake, but I just knew that this job - which was desperately needed financially - is being provided by God for our family and really, it's through all of my friends I've made here that this week has been financially 'successful' - but what God really impressed on my heart, which I think of every day when I tuck that stone in my pocket, is that success is not about money.

He 'said' that to me a couple of weeks ago when I started planning Rachel's Race.  That I need to remember that  her race is not a 'success' if we donate a lot of money - her race is a 'success' if people remember her, if people learn of Anencephaly and are a little more prepared should they ever have a baby with it, if other families find healing for their hearts being there and honoring their babies as well.  Money is NOT success.

And I'm seeing that at work already.  Thursday, I did a foil on an old friend Becky.  I met her when I was pregnant with Desirae and she was my lactation consultant at WIC when I was nursing my first baby 9 years ago.  We didn't keep in touch, but I saw her when I was pregnant with Rachel.  We talked about that day - the day she found out that I was the one carrying the baby that was going to die that she had heard about.  I had forgotten details about it.  She told me how she had asked me about the baby , how lucky I was to have another one, and asked the kids if they were excited to have another little sister... I just went along with it and then before I left I passed one of my blog cards to another girl Katie and had her give it to her later.  She told me how she cried at the news.

We did her lowlights in "Caramel" in Rachel's honor.  As we talked about that day, tears were shared and in a way it hurt - and healed - at the same time.  I just kept saying "I can't believe that was me".  And at the same time, I think I was a little sad at how others hurt for me.  It really was devastating news, but I was so determined to make people see her beauty that I didn't allow myself to go there.  I can hardly believe I was walking around, going to all my appointments, continuing on with life as if she wasn't dying - handing out business cards to share her and God with the world.  God gave me that strength - and now He's reminding me of it. 

This is the card I made.  We handed out THOUSANDS of these while I was pregnant with my girl.  If you live in our area, you might have found one stuck in the card spot at your gas pump, on your table in a restaurant, or on a bulletin board at your doctor's office.... we left them EVERYWHERE and handed them out to every cashier, customer service person and random person we talked with throughout those 4 months while Rachel danced in my womb. 


Last night I did another foil on a girl I met for the first time last night, Amy.  She came out in the sleet to support me in this because she has a heart for our family because of Rachel.  I'm just so humbled.  To be able to talk about my girl and not have to explain what I'm talking about is so good for me.  I'm seeing that she is still on the hearts of others... that not everyone has moved on.  My weeks are filling up and they are filling up with all of you.  I'm so thankful ♥  And while this is going to be a huge blessing financially for our family, it's also a huge 'success' in my heart for my sweet Rachel.  I want to say I wish she knew....but you know how I feel about that.  She's much too happy in heaven for any of this to be impressive - and she is much too distracted worshipping her Great God to care.... and I'm happy about that for her.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

But while I'm still here on earth, I'm in awe of how many different ways being her Mama has made my life more successful.... from sharing Christ all the way down to doing hair.... My life is so much richer than it could have ever been without her - and I'm not talking money, I'm talking heart.

Thank You Lord for giving me the great opportunity - and responsibility - of being Rachel's Mama.  I will not let either of you down