Sunday, February 19, 2012

Nothing Compares

If only I could *really* explain with words what happens in my soul during worship....  I can't, but I'm gonna try to give you a glimpse of how the Spirit moved in me this morning...

First of all, I have to preface this with the fact that I have kind of been avoiding my 'feelings' lately.  My heart has been hurting and I almost feel like if I allow myself to go there, I'll never come up for air again.  I know that's not true - and it's not even really a conscious decision I make, but as I was talking to a couple of friends about my book on Thursday (and lack of work on it) I was choking back tears.  It was then that I realized there is a reason I haven't sat down in over a week to write.... it hurts.  And I'm kind of tired of hurting.

I also feel like, while it's great to make my 'gifts list' each week, I had to *force* myself to sit down and do it yesterday.  I hate the fact that nothing I write in those posts leaves room for the Spirit to lead my words.  I guess it just feels dry, even if it's all good stuff - and it seems like it's about everything other than Rachel - which defeats the purpose of blogging.  I'm blogging to work through my grief, not avoid it.   I also want to make sure I can still minister to the women who are just starting this journey - and I'm not sure that's the best way to do it.  I plan to continue my list, but I'm not sure I'll do it here.  It was good for me for where I was at, but as usual, I'm finding out how I need to bend with my grief and make changes accordingly. 

Last week when I got to church the worship team played 2 songs from Rachel's funeral in a row.  I sensed a complete breakdown coming.  I detached myself from worship because (are you ready for this...totally vain here...)  I didn't want to ruin my make up before the open house at the salon. (just being honest) I knew if I opened my heart, the tears were going to flow hard - so I didn't. 

This morning was a different story.  And my heart was so blessed.  The lyrics in each of the songs seemed to mesh together...all revealing the same truth:  Nothing compares to the promise I have in Him.

The first song was "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" - the verse that always gets me and where my tears started rolling today was this:

Oh I feel like dancing
It's foolishness I know
But when the world has seen the light
They will dance with joy
Like they're dancing now

I stood there, tears streaming down and a smile on my face (you know the official 'crazy look' I was talking about) :o)  with two thoughts.... I could just imagine Rachel dancing in heaven and the day I get to join her there - And amazed at how God helped me to 'dance' throughout my time with her.  How can I be dancing when my baby is dead?  I completely understand that to some it's foolishness....a joy that's incomprehensible.  His love... you have to know Him to know it.  And once you do, you wonder how you ever made it through life without it... or without Him.

I was meditating on that truth as we started singing these words...

My Jesus, My Saviour,

Lord there is no one like you,
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love....

My comfort, my shelter,

Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.

I couldn't help it... my mind went to why couldn't You have just let her breathe?  and before I finished the thought, the next sentence reminded me that she's not missing out on anything, it's just me.  She is worshipping Him with all that she is...for all eternity.  I on the other hand, have to ask him to keep me close because I am prone to wander and forget.  And I am so thankful for how He pursues me.

I sing for joy at the work of your hands,
Forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

The work of His hands.... at times this is the exact reason I struggle - to know that He is in control of everything and allowed me to lose a child.  To know - and fully believe - He could have stopped it all...and didn't.  It is only through this trial that I have become all the more certain that loving and trusting God is my only hope for true joy.  And the Promise I'm holding out for isn't on earth - it's in heaven.  And there, Rachel is not dead.

We could have stopped worshipping right here and I would have already left revived in my faith - but then these lyrics:

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

I thought about all the people in my life who have failed me, given up on me or run out on me.... all the disappointments in this world....  My God isn't like that.  Never will be.  On top of never leaving or forsaking me, he also paid my debt for all my sins in full.  I will never really understand why - and I'm certain I'm not worthy.
So, from the bottom of my heart and from deep within my soul I begged that He would make the last verse we sang my reality - that in all I am and in all I do - for Him, for Rachel, for others....that He would consume me from the inside out and shine through me....
Take this life and let it be
All for You and for Your Glory
Take my life and let it be Yours
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God....Forever.
I'm all Yours Lord.  Nothing Compares to the Promise I have in You.

1 comment:

  1. Love, love, love!! thank you for that and for your honesty-always!


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