It Is Well with My Soul

I had a long day yesterday and when I got out of work, it was the lightest it's been at the end of a workday yet.  I looked over and the fact that I was just a couple minutes from the cemetery wouldn't leave me alone.  I sat in the van for a couple minutes before I started driving.

I was already on the verge of tears when I pulled up....fighting them back the entire drive there. But the moment I put the van in park, I had a complete emotional breakdown.  I sat there sobbing saying things to God like "Seriously?  Are you serious here?  Why did you have to ask this of me and why won't you make it stop hurting?"

I saw a couple of people walking towards me.  A friend who lives nearby was walking with her grandson.... who just happens to share the same exact birthday as Rachel.  She came up to the window and asked how I was and I burst into tears again.  I looked out my window and saw his little legs kicking away in the stroller and all I could say was "Would Rachel really be that big now?"  We talked for a few minutes and I definitely needed the hug - but I cried the whole way home as it hit me that I had just seen a baby the same age as Rachel at her grave.   "Seriously, God?"   I never go to the cemetery on Saturday evenings... and there I was at the same time as they were.  I cried for a very long time last night - even though in a way, I was glad they were there and even glad to know how big she would be.  It's hard to explain.

I woke up with a headache, but got up early to go to first service cause my sister worked 3rd shift last night and we babysat her kids.  She told me when she got out, she'd go with us to church....and that just makes my day! So, I woke up without an alarm clock or Matt putting coffee in my face :o)  We got there a little late, but when we walked in, "It Is Well with My Soul" was playing. 

On January 16, 2005 I got baptized and that is the song they played right after.  Today as I listened, I thought back to the innocence I had then....  that a life with God was going to be better....easier. And then I could envision myself in the van last night at the cemetery.... better? Yes.  Easier?  Nope.

I was holding Asa this morning, his head in my hand and his cheek to my cheek singing as the next song started.... and I got a lump in my throat as I sang "Jesus, Your Lovingkindness is better than life" - because right now, everything that has to do with death vs life in my mind goes to Rachel vs Asa.  And as I held Asa close, I was soaking up every ounce of 'life' in him and missing every ounce of 'life' in Rachel.  And I had to ask myself...

Do I believe it or don't I?

Do I really believe that His lovingkindness is better than life?  I can answer yes easily where I am concerned.  That's simple. Yes, It's better, He's better... than anything in this life. 

Do I believe that Rachel is with Him in heaven?  I do. 

But do I believe that His lovingkindness is better than this life for her?  If in my humanness, I can answer yes for me - and I cannot even fathom what heaven is like for her - then it seems like the only logical answer where Rachel is concerned is 'yes'.  Yes, what she has there is better than anything she could ever have here.   

I rocked Asa knowing that these days with him are going to go by fast.  And one day, I will have to let him out into this world on his own - maybe to suffer some of the same heartaches and trials I have - and I pray He will follow the Lord.  But there is no guarantee that I will spend eternity with him yet.  That's a scary thought. 

Rachel, on the other hand has the best of the best right now and will for eternity.  She doesn't get gas bubbles or ever feel abandoned or neglected.  She doesn't have sore gums or get overtired.  She's happy - all the time.  She's not in pain, she's not sad... she doesn't cry.  And while all those things are things I grieve like crazy over missing - I'm so thankful that she is safe.  I spend all of my days trying to keep Asa from having to feel any of the sadness or pain that Rachel will never feel.  And while my mother's heart wants to be able to care for her in this way and will always grieve that I can't, I could never want more for her than to be surrounded by my great God's lovingkindness for all eternity.

Now, I'm not trying to act like this truth today just perked me right up, because I continued to cry all morning long - through 2nd service and beyond - and I left church at noon with a headache that was making me sick.  I feel like a train wreck.  Knowing this for her doesn't take my pain away....and it doesn't even stop my tears.  But what I never understood until Rachel was how something could be so completely opposite of what I want, and still be well with my soul.

But it is.  It is well with my soul.