That being said, I will probably not use it again - and I'm not even sure I will post my blog on there - or maybe I need to stop 'friending' everyone who requests it because truth be told, I don't know over half of my 'friends' and I have only ever 'friend requested' 1-2 people. I accept everyone who requests because I just want to share my girl.....that's it.
And apparently, as usual, people are judging me for it.
Samuel's birthday was an awesome day. I was a little sad that when I blogged that morning about milestones that so many people were all about Sam and Asa that they missed the point. I did have 2 people mention Rachel and my heart SO needed that, thank you ♥ But the day went on and it was amazing. I had such a blessed day with my family that I posted this status update on my facebook wall:
"I think today could possibly be the best day I've had in a very long time... Blog coming soon."
Now, one would think that - especially for those of you who think I'm dragging this grieving stuff out - this would call for celebration, not a negative slant... but, I had someone write that it was good I was 'moving on with life'. I responded by saying I'm not moving on from Rachel and never will, but that I had a good day WITH her. She since has responded back and I can completely see where she was coming from - even though I still think the words were harsh and unacceptable - but I get it. I have to remember that what people say is more about them than it is about me, but that's hard.
In the meantime, another random person who DOES NOT KNOW the first one, decides she is going to put me in my place and explain how "depression holds me back" and I should just "move on and just be happy that she is in the hands of our amazing father" (those are ACTUAL QUOTES! and shame on you if you agree -just sayin')
I then un-friend her cause I am absolutely disgusted with how mean she is being, supposedly in the name of Christ. She then MESSAGES me cause she can't take a hint and says this:
"I never said it'd be easy, I'm just saying that God can heal all wounds if YOU allow it! One day she will be in your arms again, live knowing that. I can befriend you, I am just trying to show you support as a Christian but apparently you just want people to keep tip-toing instead of helping guide and support you! I will continue to pray for you"
There may be some truths here.... yes, one day I will hold her again. Yes, God can heal me. But maybe this is the kind of girl who thinks that if I had enough faith, Rachel would have been healed? Because I don't have that much control over what GOD does - and I sit here every day surrendered to HIS plan and the road He chose for me - not mine.
And anyway.... ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?
So, ironically, RIGHT after I responded "Seriously, leave me alone" to her, my Internet (which in over 6 months since I got this server has not gone out on me) COMPLETELY STOPPED WORKING. God does provide and He put His hand over my mouth last night and allowed me to get some good rest (3 hours in a row!) which I'm so thankful for. Then when I woke up, He also gave me the words to say.... And here it is for anyone who might agree with my nice facebook 'friend' who just wants to 'guide and support me'....
I don't know what God you are talking about - what God you are using as a scapegoat to say whatever you want to people and claim they are expecting too much, but let me tell you something about MY God...
MY GOD is more concerned with how you treat a person in distress, a hurting person than He is concerned with how much that person cries. MY GOD is more displeased with uncompassionate know-it-alls than He is with a mother whose heart LONGS to be with her baby again. MY GOD CREATED me with this need, these feelings and HE KNOWS that I am not sitting around in a puddle of tears depressed and unhappy with what He has blessed me with here. MY GOD is the One who expects people to grieve with those who grieve and mourn with those who mourn and HE doesn't call that "tip-toing". IT'S BIBLICAL. And MY GOD did not call believers to use his Word and our faith to beat people into what you're IDEA is of how grief should go and look - or to judge people for how they handle a loss. It's not nice and that is not just my opinion. Ask MY GOD about it and I'm sure He'll let you know. But for the record, MY GOD is pleased with how I have walked this road and continue to honor Rachel and glorify Him through it and He knows I don't do it perfectly and He's ok with that - and HIS OPINION is the only one that matters!
So, then I get up and get my computer going - and I had decided that this girl must just not have experienced a loss and so that is why she is talking out of turn. (still confused why someone who has NOT lost a child would try to 'lead and guide' ME other than PRIDE and thinking she has it all figured out, but hey, it's ok, I was feeling softer hearted) I go back to our message to figure out how I even know her and find that she was the same one who posted on Rachel's first 5K race page that she couldn't come because "she could not support an organization who did abortions". (nevermind the fact that she lives out of state and wouldn't come anyway, she had a point to make) Again, jumping to conclusions, she assumed because I was donating to Options for Women that it meant I'd give the money to a place that did abortions? As if I'd donate money in Rachel's name for abortions? Clearly this girl is just confused mentally and too quick to speak. But then I go back to find that when we first started talking it was because while she was pregnant (at the same time as I was with Rachel) they told her that her daughter needs a kidney transplant. So then I start wondering if her daughter died and maybe she did have the 'right' to be telling me how to feel, maybe she had a loss too and was handling it with great joy - so I went to her facebook page - and there I found a huge picture of a beautiful blue eyed girl at the top. Alive.
This is where my next topic comes in... YOU CAN'T COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES. Losing a child is not the same as fearing it. The first woman who commented struggles with infertility and I cannot imagine how painful that is... but it's not the same and there is absolutely grief, but you cannot think for a second that it's the same thing as burying your baby. It won't feel the same, look the same, last the same. It's not and by me saying this, it doesn't mean that I don't agree that it would be unbelievably hard to have infertility or to have a child needing a transplant. I can't imagine either and you probably are handling it with 'a good attitude by choice' - But they are not the same. I read back and realized that she probably thinks she understands what I'm going through because in her mind, she's walking the same road and is having 'strong faith' through it - her motives probably are really not bad - but her daughter is in her arms. And then I looked back to our earlier conversation where I wrote this:
"I am a planner by nature, so I have to say that although I hate the fact that Rachel is going to die, in a way it's easier for me to just know what's going to happen. I hope that doesn't sound like I am ok with the fact that she will not live, or that I don't believe that God could heal her if He chose to, because I am not ok with it and I do believe God could. It's just that I have found comfort in knowing that God's plan for her is different than mine. And I have tried to surrender every day to that plan and allow God to work through me and Rachel"Again, all true - and if you & I were talking while I was pregnant, I probably said something similar or even more 'positive' to you - I wrote THOUSANDS (literally) of emails that said how thankful I was that I was carrying a baby that was going to die and I was.....WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE. My entire world changed when she died.
And if you read my blog with a non-judgemental heart, (try it sometime, I'm really not as dark and depressed as some like to make me out to be, but I am in pain and honest about it) you will also see that I am thankful for my sweet girl, even in her death. BUT SHE IS DEAD. I'm thankful she is in God's arms, but I want her in MY arms... and to insinuate that I'm anything but thankful for her being with him is crazy talk cause I've said it a million times - but that doesn't make it not hurt. If you don't think that calls for tears or if you think I should be over it by now or if you think that your problem is similar and you aren't acting like me so that makes you a better Christian then that is your problem, not mine and I hope God is gentle with you when He takes you off of your soapbox - but let me also tell you that it is that EXACT attitude that keep NON CHRISTIANS completely UNINTERESTED IN CHURCH and why so many believers stay home on Sunday mornings. So what is YOUR attitude doing to build God's kingdom? Keep telling yourself that you are doing God's work, but you are LYING to yourself and everyone else. You're being mean and prideful.
How's that for an opinion?? I guess everyone's got one. I'm glad we're sharing them with each other and that you don't expect me to "tip toe" either. :o)