Friday, March 2, 2012

Snowy Days

This week and last week, I've been so blessed to bump into my friend Amanda at Rachel's grave... she, like me, goes every Friday - but we've only ran into each other one other time until now.  Last week, we talked for a while and as I went to leave, I yelled "love you!" to her.  I got in my van and looked at my phone... it was 1:43 :o)  I pulled up and showed Amanda out my window and we both left smiling.

On the way to the cemetery today, we stopped so I could get a coffee and some gas.  I was going to leave them in the car and run in cause my knees are killing me and carrying the car seat is hard.  But just as I went to get out, I saw a guy with a gun walk in the store - don't worry, he was a cop, just not in uniform. :o)  But then I got paranoid about getting in trouble, so I got everyone out of the van and decided I would splurge and get them hot chocolates too.  I was getting our drinks and the cop turned around and asked if they were all mine.  I let him know there's another one whose not with us, but he seemed to miss that part and keep talking.  He told me about how much easier boys are....  I just smiled at my boys as he talked, but man, I would love to have another little girl being difficult in our girl ways. 

As I was walking up to the counter, I realized that I didn't bring in enough money - I'm not used to Sam being able to drink them so I only had $4.  they cost $1.08 each.  I was planning on asking the girl that works there if I could pay later - but as I walked up to the counter I heard the cop say "I'll add their 4 drinks to mine" and he turned and told me "I love big families, I think that's great" :o)  I told the kids to say thank you to Officer M.  and they did - and then Sam yelled "Bye!!" and waved really cute :o)  I wonder how many free coffees I've missed leaving my cute kids in the car? Ha!

I remembered my post from the fall 2010, titled One Serving Short of Complete about how I love to have hot chocolate with my kids after playing in the snow....and how I will always be painfully aware that we are one serving short.  And when I just went to copy the link for you so you can read it, I read it again - and I had written it after going to the cemetery to pick out her stone.... (yep, I'm crying again - you should read it if you can)

Today, the kids & I had planned on building a snowman for Rachel, but the snow wasn't sticky enough.  Des made a snow angel and I wrote my friend Nat's son, Sebastian's name in the snow for her (she lives in Australia and has no snow).  It felt like a gift to be able to do something for someone else at Rachel's grave.  I asked them on the way over if they thought Rachel knew what we do for her..... Isaiah said yes.  I'm just not sure...and can't help but wonder. (obviously, I'm asking my kids to tell me what they think!)  I hate being so far away from my girl.

We had fun playing and they ran around a bunch.  I hate that in order to get a picture of "all of us" we have to include a headstone or a picture frame....and I would have given anything to watch her run in the snow with them today....
I was nervous on the way over that the roads wouldn't be plowed yet - we have a lot of snow here!  I thought back to last year when we would truck through 3 feet of snow to get to Rachel's grave.  I couldn't NOT go in there - and I let nothing stop me.   It was so hard.  I knew if it wasn't clear today, my knees and new baby wouldn't allow that and I prepared my heart for that.  But when I pulled up, not only were the roads clear (LOVE this cemetery!!) but Rachel's spot was shoveled out too.  I didn't expect that since Brent & Naomi just had a baby and they are the ones who usually shovel for me.

When I pulled up and my heart smiled seeing the clearing, I realized two things... I'm totally spoiled - but not without complete gratitude!! and I think I know now why it snowed so much last year....

Every time I pulled up to her grave last year, I felt loved.  Through those first very difficult months, I could see the tangible way people were caring for me and loving me and Rachel because it came in the form of snow removal!!  If there was no snow, I wouldn't have realized how many people were remembering us.  I knew I wasn't alone.  Even though as I sat at her grave each week, my heart felt more than alone,  I knew that we weren't forgotten.  And apparently we still aren't.  I'm so thankful for that. ♥

And so while I thought that the snow was exactly opposite of what I wanted back then, today when we visited Rachel, I realized how much joy it brought to my aching heart last year - and still does.  There is something about snow (and rain) that reminds me of Rachel - I'm assuming because it did both a ton while I was pregnant with her and after she died.  But when I see snow falling, I can almost feel her in my arms the night she was born as I watched the first snowflakes of the year fall to the ground.  And in those moments I'm as close to her as I'll ever be on this side of heaven.

Have I mentioned I miss my girl?  sigh.......


  1. <3 <3 <3
    Hugs and love, anja

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