Monday, November 22, 2010

One Serving Short of Complete

Went out to get our Christmas shopping done yesterday...  I know I won't want to be shopping after Rachel's born.  I can see it now...big belly, no baby is sure to bring on the "when are you due?" comments.  I am probably going to want to hide for a while.  It was nice to have Matt with me for shopping this year though. 

After we shopped, we met the guy who is doing our headstone (from Newburyport Memorial Art Co) over at the cemetery.  I'll be glad when our "dates" aren't doctors appt's and trips to the cemetery.  Anyway, we showed him the one we liked and, go figure, he was the one who set it!  He is a relative of a friend and works out of Mass so it's very unlikely that he sets stones up here...  It's the only one in the new part of the cemetery that is his.  God is good like that!  He met us up here so we didn't have to drive to Mass and I was afraid that working long distance would make it difficult to get what we were looking for. (I had actually taken pictures of that stone last week to send to him so he'd know what we liked)  Little did I know, he knows exactly how to make what we're looking for! :o)  Now we're just praying we'll be able to afford it.  We told him what our hopes were and now we're waiting on the price.  It was also really nice to have Matt with me for this meeting.  I've done most of the foot work for Rachel's birth and funeral without him cause he works when the people can usually meet.  It was nice to have his opinion and to not be alone. 

We were standing on our plots, talking about size and shape of the stone.  I looked down and right where Rachel will be buried, there was a dandelion that had died, but was still standing.  Dandelions are the only flower that continue to stand so tall after they've died.  And then become a great toy for kids. :o)   I wanted to take a picture, but had left without my camera (that's a rarity)  Made me think of Rachel.  I know her legacy will still stand long after she's gone.  My blog has them at the top for that reason too.  I also have a painting in my bathroom that my friend Heather gave me after we lost the last baby.  My request was a painting that said "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" - and she chose the rest.  She put dandelions on it.  what a coincidence!

It was cold at the cemetery and we were there a while.  My mom had the kids, again, so we could get this stuff done.  I said to Matt that we should pick up some hot chocolate to bring home to them as a surprise and said "today's a good day for hot chocolate"... and starting crying.  When they say grief hits you at unexpected times, they're right.  I would have thought I'd be crying at the cemetery while Rachel was kicking me as we were talking about her headstone.  (I told Matt that I didn't think she liked the conversation)  But no, it was on the way to do something fun with the kids.  Maybe me being task-oriented is helping me to forget the reality of this all.  I did choke back a few tears at the cemetery, but I've yet to fall apart through all the meetings and planning in front of someone else.  It's usually in the day to day moments when I realize how life goes on... good times still happen and soon they'll be happening without my baby.  She'll never drink hot chocolate with us - that sucks.  One of my favorite parts of being a stay home mom is when the kids go out to play and come in with red noses and we all sit at the counter and have hot chocolate.  I can do that with them every day if I want... and I love that.   My favorite parts of life will always be missing someone.  Hot chocolate will never be the same, no matter how great it is.   We will always be one serving short of complete.

4 comments:

  1. And just like nobody knows how far the dandelion's seeds will be blown away (and grow into new flowers), you have no idea of how far Rachel's life will have an inpact on others.

    Hugs

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  2. I just wanted to tell you how inspiring you, a complete stranger, have been to me. You and your family has more strength than most. I have shared your story with so many people and they are all touched and amazed. I just want to say that I am soooo proud of you for choosing to let your child live. When we were pregnant they asked me if I wanted all the testing so we could decide if we wanted to keep our child if it had "problems", we declined and explained that our child would be just fine whatever way he or she turned out. I just wish that I could be there to give you and your family a big hug. I wish I could feel your little girl dancing away in your stomach, I wish that I could just be there to sit with you when you just need that. You really are amazing and I know that your story is going to help others down the line. Maybe eventually people like you will help these doctors see that these babies have as good a chance at life as any other child if they would just show a little more care.
    I wish you peace and strength in the coming weeks and I hope you get to soke up your time with your beautiful little girl for as long as GOD will allow you to be blessed with her presence.
    All my love and strength, Brandi

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  3. Your blog is amazing. You and your family are amazing. Thank you so much for sharing all of your thoughts and real feelings. You and Rachel have changed my life for the better. Thank you so much! I hope and pray you get to spend a lot of time with your baby girl and am so glad you have her to be with now in your belly. You are an inspiration. Thank you and God bless!
    Samantha

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes