Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Would you eat Poop Cake?

After my "Call me Crazy and love me" post, I was very blessed by the encouragement I got...thank you to all who saw through my hurt and to my heart.  Unfortunately, I still had to deal with people needing to say what they need to say and not taking my feelings into consideration.  I have copied and pasted a comment I got last night so that you can get an idea of what I mean. I figure since this person obviously kept herself completely anonymous, and knew there was a chance that I could post it, it is okay to do.  I do, however, need to say a few things...

First of all, now is not the time to be calling me out on resentments you have from 7 years ago - At which point, just for the record, I was either not a Christian yet, or a brand new one. I didn't know anything about anyone at church and don't remember anyone having an issue with their child, so perhaps the "look" you think I gave you was in your head. However, if you want to tell me what you're talking about, I can let you know for sure.  Second of all, I specifically said that I didn't need people's input... It's funny that you can say "the people who tell you what to do are the crazy ones" and think that this comment doesn't fit into that category.  And third of all, DO NOT talk about my daughter's birthday EVER again in anything but a good context.  EVER.  My daughter's birthday every year is going to be a CELEBRATION.  You might look at me funny to get back at me for my "offense", but I doubt everyone else will be.

Oh, and P.S.  I never said anything about "the look" - that was another mother who commented on my post that just LOST her baby and she was talking about a look of pity that people give you to because they feel sorry for you and how it only reminds you of the fact that your baby just died.  It's different than constant comments about how "great" this situation is because it's God's plan.  Maybe you could tell me, did your child die?  Are you saying that what you went though is the same thing?  You obviously just took your opportunity to kick me while I'm down and I hope you feel better.  You might have added some "nice" words around your jabs, but you can put a piece of poop in a cake, and while some of it may still sound sweet, you still have a poop cake...and nobody wants to eat a poop cake. 

And just for the record...I am perfectly fine with being "the woman who lost her baby"  You know why?  Because I am.  I am the woman losing her baby.  I am going to be the one who lost her baby.  And I never want anyone to forget about her because I never will.  It's not like a black spot on my forehead.  I am proud of my girl.   And 7 years from now, when I hear about someone who is losing a baby - I will take that as my opportunity to COMFORT them with the comfort I received from the Lord through this extremely heart breaking time.  I will be honored to be known as the "woman who lost her baby" because other women are going to need my love...I will not use that time in their life to tell them what they did "wrong" during my trial and how now they know why that sucks - even if I can manage to squish it between some nice stuff.  And thank you for protecting your identity so well cause now I don't have to be mad at you.  I can see your face without thinking " there's the woman who calls herself a 'sister in Christ' who really is 'that woman' who..." 

Oh, and please stay away from me.  I'm not into fake friends.

I have changed my comments again so that anonymous people can't comment.  Sorry for the inconvenience...  but the next time you have something to say to me, you'll have to tell me, and everyone else, who you are...

So, here is the comment... I really want to cry, but I guess right now being angry is more comfortable...

"You are a beautiful and amazing witness for Christ. That does not make any of what you are enduring any easier. You have every right to feel the way you do. I have never been faced with a carrying a beautiful and amazing child who would not continue to live on in this world after birth. However, several years ago now, I faced a situation with my child that was beyond most people's comprehension. I remember all too well "the look." To be honest, I got that "look" from you several times. It was when you were a single Mom, with only Desirae, before Matt and you were even back together, let alone married. I know you have to approve any messages before they are posted. I read all of your blogs. :-) If this were to post automatically, I would not write this. Stacy, you are going to have to deal with "the look" for the rest of your life. An immediate example that comes to mind is Rachel's birthday every year. On some level, to some people, you will always be that woman who lost her baby. On some level, when you see me, the association I see on your face is not a "sister in Christ." It is "that woman who..." and it is completely subconscious on your part. You scream when you need to scream. You cry when you need to cry - no matter who is around. You stay by yourself when you need to stay by yourself - because you are NOT by yourself - you are with God and your amazing daughter. God has chosen this path for you to give Him glory - and you are doing just that. You are inspiring. But you are human too. You are grieving. And in no way are you crazy. The people who tell you how to act, think or feel are the crazy ones. The ones who hug you in silence when all you can do is cry, the ones who love you despite your (justifiably) changing moods, the ones who know that the most important thing you need right now is love - those are the people who know you are not crazy and will let you do what you need to do right now. Surround yourself with them - and ignore everyone else. You have allowed God to work through you in such a powerful and inspiring way despite the utter depth of your heartbreak. If people cannot respect where you are right now, then you do what you have to do for God, you, Rachel, Matt, and the kids. That's all that matters."

I am aware that there will be people who read this and think I'm not seeing the good, only the bad. That maybe she didn't mean to be hurtful - well, I'm so glad you brought that up...  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  If you go around saying things that are hurtful and say they're ok just because you didn't mean it to be or because it is the "truth", it is still a problem and you need to learn some people skills.  I am so exhausted from having to suck it up every time someone says something inappropriate.  I am tired of being the only one required to offer grace.  I can't do it anymore.  If this comment was just about me, it would be easier to let it go.  But she brought my baby and her birthday into it.  I would have rather got a direct email that said "hey you looked at me funny 7 years ago, you..."  But when you think you can start saying things about my daughter....well, you should know by now that I am serious about my kids.

6 comments:

  1. Wow. Quite a story. You are always in my thoughts. I love you and your family.

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  2. I hate poop cake! This blog is for YOU to share your thoughts, feelings etc and has been a tremendous blessing to THOUSANDS!! I'm so sorry that people are so insensitive and hurtful! We stand behind you 110% and ALWAYS will:)
    love you tons!!!

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  3. While I can see both the good and the bad in that post, you're right... it doesn't matter. Even if you did give her the "look" in the past, what point does it serve to tell you that now? Will people continue to give you the "look"? Yes, they will... because they don't know what else to do. But, you're an adult... and you already know that's going to happen and that's why they do it, right? I'm not sure why this person would choose to be so offensive when you were obviously feeling down and vulnerable.

    As a fellow protective mama bear, I can totally see where you're coming from on this. And when it comes to standing up for your little ones, I gotta say "You go girl!" You don't need this so-called "sister in Christ" when there are so many others willing to offer support to you.

    By the way, I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now. I thinking I got the link from another blog... maybe "Exploits from a Military Mama." Anyway, you have deeply touched me. I think of you and your family every day. I'm praying for God to grant you the strength to do what he needs you to do. I myself have a strained relationship with him, and situations like this are at the heart of my problem with devoting myself to God. It inspires (and, I'll admit, confuses) me that in a time when you could shun Him, you insead choose to trust in his plan, but I'm so glad that you do...

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  4. I agree with you, Stacy. Even if this person says, later, that she did not mean to hurt you, bringing up a situation that happened 7 years ago and writing about it anonymously on your blog, making references to your past, and wrapping it all up with "God this, and God that" doesn't sound very helpful or supportive AT ALL. And doing all of it right now that you are going through the most difficult period of your life so far?
    Give me a break!!! This lady needs to grow up! God forgives and forgets. She remembers a "look" from 7 years ago??? Jesus have mercy! Imagine if everybody decided to remember every single look they got in their lives!
    I'm glad you exposed the comment here. People like that need to feel ashamed of their words, so that they learn it is not okay to place poop on your table surrounded with flowers. It still smells bad!

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  5. :-( saddest. So glad you know what I meant! I really do think we were talking about a different look. I don't get mad at the people who give it to me, I just wish life were different and I didn't have to get it at all! And it's not their fault I'm in this situation...I'm pretty sure it's an involuntary look that I've probably given people myself so *grace* is the umbrella I try to operate under.

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes