Tuesday, November 16, 2010


On November 16, 2002, I was being given my first baby shower... 

Today,  me & that baby, who is now almost 8 years old,  were driving to music lessons and she started telling me about a conversation she had with some other kids on the way to dance class last week.  She said that one of the girls asked her if I was having a boy or a girl... "girl" she answered.  When will she be born? they asked her... "around Christmas" she said. 

And then she said to me "that's when the part about her missing her head came up"  I asked how it came up and she said she told them that she was missing part of her head and part of her brain too.  Then she said  "and they all said, awe, that's so sad" 

I started to cry... not just because it is really sad.  But because my little girl has to tell people that her baby sister is missing part of her head and brain.  This is hard enough for an adult to grasp...but my little girl??

She went on to say "I think Rachel is going to be really cute, even if she does look a little different"

8 years...  It seems like such a long time ago.  I had no idea where life would bring me. 

I have been at a loss for words lately.  I seem to be able to start a thought, but not finish it.  Physically things have been more and more difficult....and emotionally, well, difficult would be an understatement.  OK, it might be an understatement for my physical state, too.  My dreams are even hard to endure and even with Benedryl, I'm waking more often throughout the night - and crying more often too. 

This pregnancy has gone by faster than any of my others, and yet it feels like it's been forever.  My days drag, yet are over before I know it.  I have been planning things for months and it seems there's still so much more to do...  I am waiting for something I don't want to happen.  I hate every second of this, but wouldn't trade it if I could.  I have lots of help, yet have to do this alone.  

I am a talker that doesn't want to talk...  a writer that doesn't want to write...  a people person that wants to be alone...  an expectant mother that doesn't want to give birth...  because giving birth means letting go this time.  And the one thing that hasn't changed is that I don't want to let go.


  1. Stacy,
    I read your blog and sometimes it feels like you are speaking for me. I have felt the same way so many times. And you are right, it is so sad that our children have to tell other kids about their baby brother/sister missing part of their head/brain,it breaks my heart everyday. I wish I could take away your pain, but I can't, all I can do is offer my support as I pray for you. You are not alone. I love you.

  2. wish i could hug you and cry with you. and talk about some silly part of Rachel's personality that she is showing you even now.

    love to you.

  3. I so wish I could bear this burden for you. I also feel the sense of dread and joy in the pit of my stomach. There seems to be no reconciling of the opposing feelings. I pray every day for strength, healing, you, Matt, & the kids.
    Love You....... Mom

  4. What a strong little girl Desirae is! Just like her mama :) Time is a weird thing isn't it? Know that you are loved no matter what state or emotion you are in Stacy, by God and by me. I know I mentioned going out tomorrow night but I totally understand if you're not feeling up for it. No pressure! I'll get myself out of the house either way :) Love you!


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes