Call me Crazy and love me

Apparently the closer Rachel's birthday gets, the more unstable I'm going to feel...  Today was a bad day.  Before I ever even walked into church, I was on the verge of tears.  I almost started crying because I dropped my Tums under the car seat.   After many failed attempts at hiding from having to talk to people, we left and fought all the way home over the kids' car seats.  That's right, car seats.  I went to Joanne Fabrics to buy the fabric I need to make Rachel's blanket and everyone who came near me said "oh, when are you due?" and I said "Christmas" with a smile, and then everyone had something to say...."oh that's going to be fun" - "I had my baby on the 24th"  - "I was due on December 16 and didn't have my son until the 29th".  I'm getting really good at my nod-and-smile routine.  Then I came home and completely fell apart in tears because my cordless phone isn't working - again.  I didn't even want to use the phone... And I ignored a bunch of calls because our land line is junk and the caller ID doesn't work.  I hardly want to talk to people I enjoy talking to, but I was definitely not going to end up being stuck in a nod-and-smile routine in my own home.  All that being said it's only fair that I give a warning:

 - If one more person says "how are you?"  I might start crying and not stop - the question is impossible to answer, unless you want me to lie and say "good".  (Wow, all this time I thought I NEVER lied, and it looks like I do lie... I tell people every day I'm "good")  The other option is for me to tell you how I'm really doing, but then most likely we'll run into warning #2, so keep reading before you decide if you want to do that...

- If one more person tries to tell me how I should feel or why I should be okay with my daughter dying - or if one more person feels the need to "encourage" me by telling me how I need to let go of my fears because whatever happens is "God's plan",  I might scream like a crazy lady... truth be told, it's usually what I'm doing on the inside anyway.  Might as well let it out, God already knows.  I figure if everyone can tell me what they think, then I should be able to do the same.  And screaming would be a nice way to say it.  It's if I start saying actual words that I might sound mean, so I'll go for just looking crazy and scream.   I don't need anyone to try to "fix" how I'm feeling.  I need people to try to have empathy.  And for the record, I don't question God's plan.  I may not like it, but I don't question it.

- If one more person says that me wanting to be away from people is unhealthy and not good for me, well, maybe I'll record the next few nod-and-smile conversations I have with people and the next time one of these "concerned" people is going through something that could be considered even remotely as painful as watching your baby die, I'll play it back and see what they think.  Rest assured, I am not being unhealthy.  I am doing exactly what God would have me do right now.  If that looks unhealthy, well, looks aren't everything, 

Right now you're probably thinking I don't need to scream to sound like a crazy lady...that's okay with me.  I actually used to have "crazy" on my license plate and I paid extra for that.  And to be honest, I'm not feeling very stable, so the title pretty much fits...call me crazy, call me hormonal, call me anti-social - just stop telling me I'm not handling this right.  I can't nod-and-smile through it anymore.  It's not encouraging.  It's not helpful.  You can't fix this. I'm not asking you to.  Don't try.

I will once again refer you to the "what family and friends can do" link that I have recommended before...I have conveniently put a link to it right on my page (top right) for you benefit and mine.  This would be a good time to read it if you haven't already.  Most of the things that are written in the "don't do" list are things I have to endure EVERY time I am around people.  Hmmm, don't know why I'd want to be alone...

When I first let everyone know about Rachel, I specifically said that I "preferred hugs over talking details, it's more helpful and less draining"   That is why I have this blog, so that I don't have to repeat myself over and over about the same stuff.  The same painful stuff.  I can't tell you how many people ask me how I'm doing, listen for a couple minutes and then throw out some pat answer that totally minimizes what I'm going through.  I know I should "want" to be reminded of those truths, but I don't.  The Holy Spirit gives me all the truth I need to get through this.  But He can't give me a hug.

So, while I was venting about all that crap, I ate a bowl of ice cream and took benedryl... I should start calming down any minute.  Still love me?