Saturday, November 13, 2010

My last 24 hours: Tacos, Fear & A Birthday Party

Last night Des & I went out to grab dinner and go to Target to get Isaiah a birthday present. We sat in the van eating Taco's and Des said "it's kind of sad that Rachel will never get to eat yummy tacos." I said "yeah" and thought for a second... No, she'll never get to eat yummy tacos. She will never get to go out with the girls and eat in the van. But as I thought about this, the verse that came to mind was Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8) We spent a while talking about how in heaven we won't hunger... how even in this life, truly "tasting" God is better than any food could ever be. But in heaven, Rachel will taste Him to the fullest. God's Word says that He has prepared a banquet for us - and I couldn't help but wonder if I have missed the point of this... As we talked, I told her that I always think of the banquet as food - because I love food - but I wonder if the "banquet" is really talking about Him - All Him - to taste Him to the fullest. Something that no matter how well we know Him, will never happen until we meet Him face to face. Something that Rachel will be experiencing for eternity... while we're eating tacos. Hmmm... who's really missing out?

We went to Target and while we were walking around, my legs went completely numb.  I couldn't feel myself touching my right leg.  Of course, this is the one time I forgot my cell phone!  I used the phone at customer service and called Matt to have him call Maine Medical.  I cried the whole way home.  The truth is, I am scared to death to go into labor early.  If my water broke early, that would be by far the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.  I wasn't even sure if I should be kind of need your legs for that.  I came home and laid down, and it got better - but I just have a hard time believing that my body is going to hold out 3 more weeks.  And all that aside, the closer it gets to the big day, the more sad I get.  I wish I was going to the hospital to have a healthy baby girl who would come home with us and make us smile daily... and then there's a part of me that wouldn't change it for anything because her story has become such a huge part of who I am and showing me so much of Who God Is.  I know I will be forever changed, for the better, because of Rachel.  I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

Isaiah's birthday party was today... we did it a couple weeks early in case I don't make it until the 3rd.  Wanted to make sure he got his party!  We had a WARM day in November - the kids got to play outside and he had a blast.  God is good.  Oh, and my sister saved the day again... it was 8:30 this morning... And because of the leg issue last night, I had no food for the party, no cake, no present, my house was trashed and I was still laying in bed in pain - My sister showed up at 9:30 with the cake, ice cream, and decorations and cleaned my entire house and set everything up - by the time 11:00 rolled around, everything was all set.  I didn't have to do a thing!  And when someone said something about me eventually paying her back, she said "the payback has already happened" - Considering how much she has taken care of me lately, I don't think so, but I'll take that as a huge compliment. :o)

The silver lining in all of these "scares" is that I have realized things that I need to get ready for the hospital that I had overlooked.  I have been so busy planning her funeral, dealing with organ donation and picking out a cemetery, that I hadn't done the stuff necessary for the hospital.  So, I have been working non-stop the last couple of days to pull every detail together so that when the day comes, we'll be ready.  I've been getting bags packed, lists made, and making sure everyone is aware of what we need from them.  We are so blessed to have a support system that have walked with us through the little things that can walk with us through the big things too - people we've always been able to count on.  It brings so much comfort to know they're there.

I just realized how all over the place my thoughts are...  I guess it's part of the dance of grief and joy.  Trying to live life, enjoying my family and rejoicing in what we have here... while getting ready to bury my baby.  It's a hard line to walk.  One that's always on my mind...ever reminding me that I can't escape this.  No matter what I do, Rachel is on my heart.  I might be talking about or doing something else, but not one thought or action isn't followed immediately by a thought of her.  I don't expect that to change any time soon.  I wouldn't want it to.


  1. When I read your posts, I feel this inspiration inside of me. I have had a struggle for a long time with what I am going to do with my life. You have given me the sight to see what it is I would find the most fulfilling. I could never thank you enough for that. I want to become a scientist. I want to work to find a cure for this, and any other disease that takes an infant away from a mother too soon.

    I wish I had your faith. Sadly, I don't. You are an amazing woman, honestly. You write beautifully, and you write from the heart. You are able to be honest with yourself, and that in itself is a strength not many posess. You are also an amazing mother. I hope someone tells you that daily. You deserve to hear it. I'm hoping that you get your time here on Earth with Rachel, and I will continue to follow this blog and think of you for many months to come.

    I hope I'm not stepping outside any boundaries here, but I thought I would suggest something. There is a molding kit for baby's hands and feet. It takes maybe ten minutes to do, and then there is some stuff that has to be done later. I did it with my daughter, and the results are astounding. It catches every little wrinkle. Its called Baby Plaster Casting Kit ( The moment I saw the results of this kit, I thought of you. So I thought I would share.

    I'm not a very good people person, or writer. I just needed to share this with you. You and Rachel have changed my life. I will never forget either one of you. They say as long as the memory lives on, the person is never truly gone. Well I'm going to help keep that memory alive.

  2. I was in Kohls last night looking at the Christmas decorations and saw an ornament with a newborns footprint on it that read "a baby's first steps are on our heart..." and I thought of you. I then went over to the clearance section and browsed all the words you can put on your wall as decals and right there was the quote from your blog "life is not measured by the number of breaths we take ...". I just wanted you to know that I carry you in my heart, think of you everywhere I go and when I'm thinking of you I'm praying for you. Hugs! Michelle

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this about the banquet. Like you, I had thought of it as food, but I think you're right. It's so much more than that. I can see how this new realization affects you as you share. I find myself questioning how it affects me, right here, right now. This is good.

    Still praying,



We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes