Reap & Sow

Have I told you about my mom yet??  Well, I should.  Let me give you an idea of the kind of woman I was raised by...

She raised 3 kids by herself while working to provide for us.  We didn't dare to misbehave because she would have killed us.  I used to think she abused us, (sorry, Mom) now I know she was doing us a favor. :o)  She didn't do everything perfect, but we always knew she would do anything for us - and she did.  She still does.

When I got arrested (don't worry, it was years ago, this isn't stemming from my crazy talk from yesterday) My mom was there immediately that night and walked with me every step of the way.  She helped pay for my lawyer (my Dad helped too), took me to appointments, was at EVERY court date, drove 3 hours each way to visit me every single visitation day for months while I was in rehab - and even drove out of her way an hour on each end to pick up my dog so I could see him too.  She sent me letters and talked to me for hours on the phone, patiently waiting for and hoping that I would get my act together while everyone else told her she was wasting her time.  When I went to jail, she took all my collect calls.  She called the jail to threaten them when they wouldn't give me my medications. (did I mention she's Italian? :o) )  She bought me a cell phone and left it in my car so when I left on work release I could call her.  And when I found out that I was pregnant and her first granddaughter would likely be born in jail, while others were saying I should abort, she left a message that said "I wanted to let you know that I just bought the baby her first pack of diapers"

She is the kind of woman that will listen to me complain one day about my pantry being messy and the next show up at my house with new shelving to organize and an accordion door to hide the mess and help me put them up.  If I mention that my daughter's shirts are small, she's over giving Des a bag of new clothes.  She listens, she cares and she provides... and she does that for everyone, but she is rather serious about her kids - even her completely grown kids. 

The day we found out about Rachel, it was my mom who was babysitting...surprise, surprise.  We told her, she cried and since that day, she has been available for every single need we have had.  She comes and cleans, she cooks, she has gone to the store time and time again and brought us a bunch of groceries and she watches the kids.  She listens to me for hours at a time, no matter what time it is and never judges me or tries to change me.  She always has time for me and my children.  She is at every birthday party, baby shower or celebration and she is there through every bump in the road, every crisis and every heartache.  She has her boss make the schedule around my upcoming appointments so she can help us get to them.  And she has done all this while saying goodbye to and burying her young brother.  She cries, her heart is broken, but she doesn't use my shoulder.  She's too worried about me to let herself fall apart. 

My mother is amazing.  Her love and dedication have always outweighed any downfalls that she has. 

This morning I woke up in a ton of pain.  My back was killing me, I hardly slept, I have acid reflux and I am coughing like crazy.  Before I ever got out of bed, I was in tears.  I'm worn out.  I didn't know how I would make it through my day.  I called my mom and she dropped everything and spent the day with me.  She cleaned, she watched the kids so I could do groceries, she made phone calls for me and helped me get things checked off my to-do list.  This is normal behavior for my mom... not just because I'm in the middle of a serious circumstance, but just because I'm her daughter and she is serious about her kids.  She always has been.  But she is serious about us without ever attaching any strings.  She has always been there.  She doesn't require anything in return.  She doesn't get upset if we don't do what she would like... Because she loves us unconditionally and ahead of herself.

For all the comments I have received saying what a good and dedicated mom I am to my baby girl... well, just look at my mom.  Could I seriously be raised with this type of example and be anything but dedicated?  Could I be anything else but serious about my kids?  Could I not drop everything and tend to my daughter's needs?  Is there any chance at all that I could not walk with my daughter every step of the way and put her ahead of myself, even though she can't give me anything in return?   There's no way.  I won't do everything perfectly, but I will always do everything I can.  I cry, my heart is broken, but I'm too worried about my children to let myself fall apart on them.   I'm a lot like my Mom.  I will find it an honor to take care of her some day - when she's too old to stop me. :o)