Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Breathless

Can someone tell me how I am supposed to do this??  Not really please, you know how I feel about "input"  But seriously, I feel like my head is going to explode...if my heart doesn't first.  I walked into an office today and the first thing I see is a HUGE country sign that says "life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away" - I know that is on my blog, I know I have it hanging on my wall and sitting on my window sill - and you know what?  I think it's a crock.  How many moments take your breath away if you only take a couple breaths??  All of them?  Does that even make sense??   Are we talking about the actual number of moments that leave you breathless, or are we talking about a ratio of number of breaths to moments of breathlessness?  I mean really, should that make me feel better...  Oh, I might only watch my baby take a few breaths, but don't worry, it will take my breath away?  I bet it will, in more ways than one. 

Samuel has been fighting a cough for weeks and last night he didn't sleep much...  He was screaming in pain.  He is my baby who's sick a lot and it usually doesn't phase him, so I knew he wasn't doing well.  He seemed to feel better sitting up. (that would turn out to be because he has a double ear infection)   That works out well in my bedroom where Matt has strategically made me a bed of couch cushions and pillows in our bed so that I don't have to sleep on the couch anymore.  So, I went in there and rocked him sitting up until he fell asleep and then gently laid back so I wouldn't wake him. 

It's been a long time since I've had the pleasure of losing sleep with my baby and then rocking him and trying to get some sleep myself without waking him up...  all I could think was how we do that with our newborns - which led me to thinking about the newborn that I will never get to lose sleep with.  I won't get the pleasure of being up when I should be sleeping trying to rock her to sleep and praying that when I lay back, she'll stay asleep too.

I could feel Sam's breath on my neck and for a moment could almost imagine holding Rachel and feeling her breath...  Only difference was that Sam was snoring like a champ and new babies don't usually do that. :o)  My belly is so big that it was slightly painful to have Samuel laying on me, but I didn't care.  Rachel was kicking like crazy (as usual!) and I no longer had any notion of sleeping.  Between Sam cuddling with me and Rachel kicking me, I was enjoying the moment too much to care if I slept. (or if my right leg was completely numb - again!)  After a while, it got hard to breath though...  I couldn't tell if that was caused by the 27 pounds of Samuel on my belly - or the 4 pounds of Rachel on my heart.  I had to roll over and put Samuel next to me....  and cry.

Is that considered one of those "moments" that took my breath away??   Is this the new measurement for life?  I'm just not feeling quite the same about that statement.  It sounds great... but I'm a mom.  And every breath my daughter takes is going to be a blessing to my heart.  And I may even count them.  But I doubt I'll be satisfied with the number, even if every single breath she takes, takes my breath away, it will not be enough for me.  Even if she lives longer than expected.  Eventually, I will have to watch her take her last breath.  I am positive that will take my breath away.  I'm not so sure that that will rank higher than the number of breaths she took.

3 comments:

  1. Dear Stacy,
    It´s really difficult to compare or to measure lives by breaths, specially when we think about the lives of our so precious babies with anencephaly. During pregnancy I was so worried about many things but when the special moment of Vitoria´s birth arrived, God showed me He was absolutly in control. I´m not writting this because she survived more than expected - I didnt know she would survive and I lived that moments as if she wouldn´t survive so long. I was so afraid about the moment I would leave maternity with empty arms - and I would arrive home and find an empty house with any child. We let Vitoria at NICU and we didnt know how long she would survive there... but the moment I took her in my arms for the first time, it was as if nothing more had any importance in this life, in this world, and my heart was completly full of joy and peace from Heaven. It was really a moment that took my breath away. I would do everything again thousands of times only to carry her for that short time. I left maternity with empty arms, but my heart was so full of God´s presence and in peace because we had completed our mission to carry and protect Vitoria for the whole pregnancy. I know you are prepared for so difficult moments after Rachel´s birth. But be sure God will be with you all the time - and He really knows our hearts and knows what can really take our breaths away. Only He can fill our hearts. He loves you and your family so so much. (Of course you know most of things I wrote you, but it´s always good to remember, isnt´it?)
    With love, and in prayers for you and for Rachel´s birth,
    Joana

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  2. Hello Sarah. Here is a poem I wrote for you & family. May God supply you with your needs.


    Baby Rachel


    Baby Rachel To God She'll See
    A Little Person Leaving A Legacy

    To Cherish, To Pray She Shared Joy With Her Life
    Praise to God And His Loving Embrace

    Kisses Of Sweet No Doubt Plumped With Love
    Mommy I Love You
    Forever You'll See Me
    through God And The Heaven's The Sky Up Above

    So For Now I Leave My Body, My Spirit Gone To God
    We'll Be Together Again In The Future
    It Wont Be Now But Not To Long


    God Bless
    (God's Got Your Back)

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes