Breathless

Can someone tell me how I am supposed to do this??  Not really please, you know how I feel about "input"  But seriously, I feel like my head is going to explode...if my heart doesn't first.  I walked into an office today and the first thing I see is a HUGE country sign that says "life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away" - I know that is on my blog, I know I have it hanging on my wall and sitting on my window sill - and you know what?  I think it's a crock.  How many moments take your breath away if you only take a couple breaths??  All of them?  Does that even make sense??   Are we talking about the actual number of moments that leave you breathless, or are we talking about a ratio of number of breaths to moments of breathlessness?  I mean really, should that make me feel better...  Oh, I might only watch my baby take a few breaths, but don't worry, it will take my breath away?  I bet it will, in more ways than one. 

Samuel has been fighting a cough for weeks and last night he didn't sleep much...  He was screaming in pain.  He is my baby who's sick a lot and it usually doesn't phase him, so I knew he wasn't doing well.  He seemed to feel better sitting up. (that would turn out to be because he has a double ear infection)   That works out well in my bedroom where Matt has strategically made me a bed of couch cushions and pillows in our bed so that I don't have to sleep on the couch anymore.  So, I went in there and rocked him sitting up until he fell asleep and then gently laid back so I wouldn't wake him. 

It's been a long time since I've had the pleasure of losing sleep with my baby and then rocking him and trying to get some sleep myself without waking him up...  all I could think was how we do that with our newborns - which led me to thinking about the newborn that I will never get to lose sleep with.  I won't get the pleasure of being up when I should be sleeping trying to rock her to sleep and praying that when I lay back, she'll stay asleep too.

I could feel Sam's breath on my neck and for a moment could almost imagine holding Rachel and feeling her breath...  Only difference was that Sam was snoring like a champ and new babies don't usually do that. :o)  My belly is so big that it was slightly painful to have Samuel laying on me, but I didn't care.  Rachel was kicking like crazy (as usual!) and I no longer had any notion of sleeping.  Between Sam cuddling with me and Rachel kicking me, I was enjoying the moment too much to care if I slept. (or if my right leg was completely numb - again!)  After a while, it got hard to breath though...  I couldn't tell if that was caused by the 27 pounds of Samuel on my belly - or the 4 pounds of Rachel on my heart.  I had to roll over and put Samuel next to me....  and cry.

Is that considered one of those "moments" that took my breath away??   Is this the new measurement for life?  I'm just not feeling quite the same about that statement.  It sounds great... but I'm a mom.  And every breath my daughter takes is going to be a blessing to my heart.  And I may even count them.  But I doubt I'll be satisfied with the number, even if every single breath she takes, takes my breath away, it will not be enough for me.  Even if she lives longer than expected.  Eventually, I will have to watch her take her last breath.  I am positive that will take my breath away.  I'm not so sure that that will rank higher than the number of breaths she took.