Changes

On November 16, 2002, I was being given my first baby shower... 

Today,  me & that baby, who is now almost 8 years old,  were driving to music lessons and she started telling me about a conversation she had with some other kids on the way to dance class last week.  She said that one of the girls asked her if I was having a boy or a girl... "girl" she answered.  When will she be born? they asked her... "around Christmas" she said. 

And then she said to me "that's when the part about her missing her head came up"  I asked how it came up and she said she told them that she was missing part of her head and part of her brain too.  Then she said  "and they all said, awe, that's so sad" 

I started to cry... not just because it is really sad.  But because my little girl has to tell people that her baby sister is missing part of her head and brain.  This is hard enough for an adult to grasp...but my little girl??

She went on to say "I think Rachel is going to be really cute, even if she does look a little different"

8 years...  It seems like such a long time ago.  I had no idea where life would bring me. 

I have been at a loss for words lately.  I seem to be able to start a thought, but not finish it.  Physically things have been more and more difficult....and emotionally, well, difficult would be an understatement.  OK, it might be an understatement for my physical state, too.  My dreams are even hard to endure and even with Benedryl, I'm waking more often throughout the night - and crying more often too. 

This pregnancy has gone by faster than any of my others, and yet it feels like it's been forever.  My days drag, yet are over before I know it.  I have been planning things for months and it seems there's still so much more to do...  I am waiting for something I don't want to happen.  I hate every second of this, but wouldn't trade it if I could.  I have lots of help, yet have to do this alone.  

I am a talker that doesn't want to talk...  a writer that doesn't want to write...  a people person that wants to be alone...  an expectant mother that doesn't want to give birth...  because giving birth means letting go this time.  And the one thing that hasn't changed is that I don't want to let go.