Milestones

Today is Samuel's 3rd birthday.  Matt's on vacation and we're going to celebrate our big boy today - we had a special breakfast (Sam's LOVING his new menu with his old allergens!) and opened presents and later we're going to gym class and then Chuck E Cheese.  Listening to him say "It's my birt-day and I'm free (3)" is not only extremely cute, but hard to believe.  I'm so thankful for 3 years with our Samuel.

Asa's started teething and for the first time since he came home has been crying over more than being hungry. He hardly ever cries, probably because I'm always holding him.  I can still usually make him feel better with nursing, but that can be dangerous for me now if you know what I mean.  He's also rolling over all the time, reaching for things, like my face which I love, and trying to 'talk' to us.  We smile a hundred times a day watching this little boy grow.

I've always been excited at new milestones with my babies....maybe even cried over them because I'm a crier.  But when I watch my sweet baby boy do new things now, my heart is painfully aware that I have missed these things with Rachel....and the result leaves me not excited, not proud....but completely humbly grateful and honored to be blessed to experience it - all the while grieving what I don't get to experience with her.

I think this is why me working outside the home, while everyone thinks it is going to be so good for me, has turned out to be so hard emotionally.  I can't stand the thought of missing a minute with these beautiful children.  I need to work and believe God is providing for us through this job, but I'd rather be home with my family.  I have found that I don't actually want or need the 'break' everyone thinks I should - although I do love what I do, it doesn't compare to what I have here at home.

And so I thank God for another day... another milestone with each of my children on earth with me.... and wonder what eternal life is like for her and what she's doing there with Him.