Friday, March 8, 2013
It's strange when I think about it. I was this far along when I found out Rachel wouldn't live. Some times it feels like I knew my entire pregnancy, but I didn't.... and with how much I love this baby already, I cannot imagine having to hear (s)he will die. My heart breaks just knowing it's a possibility - one I didn't used to know could happen to me.
My ultrasound is on Tuesday. I had felt mostly excited - I can't wait to see how big baby is now and all the parts of its body formed.... but the last day or so has me feeling more nervous. I couldn't believe I was even excited at all, that never happened with Asa, I was always scared... so I've been very thankful for that. But just the idea of driving that familiar trip to Maine to get the ultrasound brings me back to my weekly trips with Rachel. My appointments were all day affairs and they happened every week. I don't know how we did it. Well, yes I do....God was with us.
So, I'm trying to think of 'how am I feeling with this pregnancy in relation to Rachel"..... and it is hard to put words to. It's been MUCH different than my pregnancy with Asa, but I'm also not 10 weeks out from burying her. On the other hand, I feel many of the same emotions as far as being sensitive to how nobody else seems to understand how complicated simple things like 'routine' ultrasounds or even going in to hear the heartbeat are - or what it does to my heart when people ask "When are you due? Do you know what you're having? So, what do you have now, one girl and three boys?"
The lady at the deli asked me these questions... she started with "Are they all yours?" and I joked and said "I don't usually pick up all the neighborhood kids to go grocery shopping" and we laughed... She did the count (like EVERYONE does!) and determined us girls were short... I told her about Rachel, but so briefly that it almost got ignored entirely. I do that so people don't need to be uncomfortable and figure if they want to know, they'll ask... but she didn't, she just continued... "Do you know what you're having? Looks like you need another girl..." and I just went along and said me & Des were hoping we would get another girl cause we're a little out numbered... as Isaiah and Sam yelled "It's a boy!!"..... but I left feeling SO guilty.....
Why does everyone think that what is inside my body is for their information? Pregnancy and delivery have become spectator sports where everyone thinks (including me) that I have to answer any question they feel they want to know. Isn't there some kind of etiquette for personal things? Like some things you wait to be told instead of putting people in uncomfortable positions to have to either answer or find words to avoid answering? For heaven's sake, the other day at Chuck E Cheese someone asked me if I was going to get my TUBES TIED after this baby!!! Um, is that any of your business?? "No, I'm not, can you pass the potatoes?" What is wrong with people?! The condition of my fallopian tubes is none of their business - and neither is how many kids I am going to have! And I wish I would have just said that instead of answering her really rude question!
So, if I was to sum up my pregnancy experience so far with this baby, I would say that I've been much more excited than I ever was able to be with Asa... I feel pretty good physically, mostly good emotionally, and usually good mentally (minus the other stuff I've been dealing with that are separate from this pregnancy) My nightmares stopped after I asked you all to pray, so thank you! Still no dreams of Rachel, though....But I would say that I am still extremely affected by the trauma of my days with Rachel and the medical stuff around that. I would say I struggle with the fact that nobody seems to take things like 'routine ultrasounds' with this baby as seriously, as if they have forgotten how difficult they are for me - or the fact that just because this baby has a skull doesn't mean it's heart or other organs are developing correctly. I would say that I am frustrated with everyone's preoccupation with what I'm having - even if I myself have the same curiosity, which I do... and even that irritates me because I know that I could get another girl and have to bury her. And I would say that I still know that I am only guaranteed this very moment with this baby and I am soaking it up every chance I get.
I would say I felt love for this baby before I ever knew I was pregnant - fell totally in love when I saw that second pink line - and will always love this baby for the rest of my life, regardless of how long I get to spend with it here on this earth. And every day I am reminded of what an amazing gift it is to be able to bond with my baby long before anyone else ever gets to lay eyes on him/her.