Why wouldn't I be? That's what I've been told will happen. I look around and know it's expected of me from others. It seems to even happen for other baby loss mothers. Just not this one. I feel the air on my neck as another shoulder rubs past me at church. Another person I used to consider a friend with no desire to step outside their comfort zone and enter my uncomfortable one. No desire to reach out to me and love me where I'm at. And I feel it. I'm alone in it. I'm part of a club that nobody wants to join - not even for a visit, that nobody understands, and that somehow is supposed to be something I am to grow comfortable in myself and get used to. And maybe they are waiting for me to decide that I'm ready to leave my grief in the past and be someone else.... someone easier to talk to.... someone less enveloped with pain....or with less needs. Believe me, I wish I could.
My comfort zone will never exist again. Every minute of every day I am missing something. And I can't get away from it. I never wanted to before because it meant trying to get away from her.
But yesterday I wanted to just rip down all my photos of her, all my memories, her hand and foot molds, her pieces of hair, the still wet prints I try to touch as if I'll somehow feel her again - and I just wanted out. Forget it all and be done with this all. Get her out of here, out of my mind, out of my heart and just be normal again. Where people didn't shun me because I am messy and I could just exist in my ignorant bliss. Where people weren't afraid to give me a hug. Where smiles and conversation weren't an unusual thing for me to be given. Where people weren't afraid to ask me how I was doing because they knew there would be no dead baby talk if they did. Where I wasn't so needy and left so uncared for. I looked around and I just wanted it all gone. I had to fight the urge to tear it all down. I'm so sorry Rachel, I don't really feel that way..... I felt the baby kick and I sobbed. All. Afternoon. Long.
I've been crying constantly for days.
This morning in the shower, it started again. And, through the tears, I said it out loud.... I don't want to be me.
I don't want my rough past. I don't want my complicated mind, my sensitive heart, my temper, my quick tongue. I don't want my deep emotions, my vivid memory.
I'm not the wife I want to be, the mother I want to be, the friend I want to be. And every time I think I get there, it falls apart again.
I'm tired of distance in relationships and everyone expecting me to be the one to change it all....to make them more comfortable around me....to lighten up..... but not being able to. I hate that I can't be that person.
I don't want grief, depression, or every time I say I'm having a hard time people saying they have to go - or sending me emails about how if I just got the counselor and medication they had that I would feel better, like they do. Or if I just changed my perspective maybe I'd feel more joy. Because the truth is that my real problem is that I'm me. I've tried it all - and still, I'm me. I was me in counseling, me on medication, and I will always be me. I was me before I buried my baby. And I've only gotten more complicated, sensitive, and heavy hearted since.
So today, I got out of the shower... red faced with puffy, blood shot eyes and I packed the kids up, put on my sunglasses, and went for a walk. We spent money we don't have on food at the store because it was easy and fun. One chicken finger and one mozzarella stick each. The lady who works there came up and TALKED TO ME.... asked me how I was, congratulated me on the new baby and told me again how strong I am (we donated to her daughter on Rachel's first birthday so she knows about Rachel) and I just fell into tears and told her how I was struggling. She just nodded and told me it will be okay.
And although I don't actually believe it will be 'okay' right now.... although in my heart of hearts, I truly believe this is going to get harder before it gets easier - because I have spent all this time building things that are falling down and I have to grieve something new every day.... I just sang.... because what else can I do?
And so even though I am in a dark place right now, I am going to keep singing this until my soul feels it and He responds. I've sung it so many times today that I heard the kids humming it from the other room.
I need prayer..... and maybe a couple hugs? Everyone says they don't know what to say to me, but all I've ever asked for was hugs and understanding. Yet, it seems that those are things most won't give.
But today, at two different times when I was sitting here crying, one friend called and later another stopped by to bring me some daisy solar lights she got for Rachel's grave - and then another sent me a message asking how she could pray for me. So, I know He hears me - and I'm thankful for the people who listen to His prompting. It definitely lifted my spirits today.