|I love this pic with hand waving in front!|
We left and went to eat at Longhorn's.... the same place we ate after Rachel's second opinion. I remember sitting in that restaurant 2 1/2 years ago discussing how we were going to handle telling people that our daughter was going to die. The only part of that meal that I remember is trying to hide my tears from everyone around us. I don't even remember actually eating, never mind tasting the food.
This time, we ate food that we could actually taste and I wasn't crying. We imagined what it will be like to add this baby to our family and dreamed about growing old with another child in our lives. We prayed a prayer of thanks instead of a prayer of desperation. We told the waitress about our new little one on the way, the good news we had just received... and of course, about our little girl who made us who we are today and showed us why this 'routine ultrasound' is not to be taken lightly.
Matt asked me if I wanted to get a bead for my Chamilia bracelet as a way to remember today. I was shocked because he doesn't usually come up with ways to spend money.... especially with how tight our finances are right now.
I had won the bid on a Chamilia Bracelet and a couple of charms at Rachel's last race. (it was being auctioned as the "Rachel bracelet" so I had to win it!) We have not added any beads to it and I wasn't overly crazy about the ones it came with. but they go for like $30 a piece and we just don't spend that kind of money - so I don't wear it much. Anyway, we finished eating and went to the jewelry store nearby. I was going between two beads... I liked the other one better, but wasn't sure if it said "Rachel" more than "Baby E" and I wanted something that said both... but I knew I needed today to be about Baby E, not just Rachel. So, finally Matt asked me "Which one means more as far as today goes?" I looked at them both for a couple more minutes, but every time I looked at this one, I got choked up, so I knew it was the one.
I remember writing a post when I was pregnant with Asa talking about why we call the babies after a loss "Rainbow babies". Because a rainbow doesn't mean that the storm never happened, but that there is beauty after the rain.... and I remember writing about how God gave Noah a rainbow to serve as a promise that He would never flood the whole earth again - but that my "rainbow" wasn't about Him promising to never take another child of mine again... but that MY rainbow was that no matter what...He would be with me.
So, every time my eyes met this rainbow charm again, I would hear in my heart "I am with you" and feel like I was going to cry right there. Also, the bead has 6 stones on it... one for each of my children. And we do have another healthy rainbow on the way..... I CANNOT WAIT to hold this baby in my arms!