Still Here With Me

So, yesterday, I was feeling a little better. We had a very productive homeschool morning and so I decided to get over to visit Rachel. I've been missing my Fridays there cause I've been so depressed I have trouble getting out of my own way.  But it was sunny and warm and I thought this was going to make me feel so much better.

When I pulled up, her spot wasn't shoveled for the first time since shortly after she died. My first thought was "We've been spoiled", but when I realized I had no shovel or anything to make my own path, I was wishing I would have stayed home. I wouldn't have known if I just stayed home, and that would have hurt less.

But I knew eventually this would happen.... I've sort of been waiting on it because I know realistically someone else isn't going to shovel my baby's grave forever.  I had noticed the paths getting smaller each time it snowed and was wondering if it was getting to be too much - if I should just tell them that they had done it long enough and give them the ok to stop since we do live in NH and get a lot of snow.  I didn't want her to feel obligated.  I just appreciate all they've done already. 

But, I suppose in the last couple of months I have found myself losing my drive to get things done.... backing out of everything because it seems easier and trying to convince myself that my heart will be fine even so.   And my heart isn't fine like this.  And I honestly have not a clue what God is trying to do through all of this in my life. He's confusing the crap out of me.

So, I sat there for a minute asking God what His purpose was.... was I supposed to keep on driving and come back another day with Matt and a shovel?  Or was I supposed to get out in my slip on Sketchers and clear a path without a shovel?  Or was just being able to see her stone supposed to be enough?

The timing is hard since I have made all these recent decisions to stop doing things I once felt led to do (her race and the 501c3)   It's like all at once I have let go of the things I do to keep Rachel's Legacy going and instantly everyone is forgetting about her.  I'm sure these aren't necessarily related, I've felt it coming for a while now, but it's very hard on my heart and makes me wonder if I can seriously move forward this way...  because right now I'm not even convinced I made the right decisions in backing down from those things since I was driven to that point because of lack of help.  I am positive that if I had proper help, I wouldn't need to take so much time away from my family.  I just can't do it all myself.  But since I never seemed to be able to rely on others to carry any of the load, I decided I had to let go of the things I had control of - the very things I did not want to let go of.  And with how discouraged I am with feeling like I've been abandoned with all the responsibilities - mixed with how tired and busy I am - I'm not sure right now is a good time to make such permanent decisions for Rachel's Legacy...but the pit just keeps getting deeper and deeper.  If only I was able to see this in February and make wiser decisions that actually addressed the real problem.

But anyway......

I guess there's always been that thing deep down in me that refuses to give up.... or maybe I'm just at a point where I am starting to see that this new direction isn't as good for me as I thought it would be.  I could analyze and try to explain where I'm at, but like I said, I am completely confused and I have no idea what will come out of these last couple of weeks (months) of pain.  All I know is that it has been very hard.  And like it or not, I need others to help me if I am going to be able to do what is on my heart for her - and help is so hard to find.

And so I got out and made my way to her grave - because I am capable....she is my girl....it was Friday... and my heart needed to conquer at least one of the obstacles in my path right now - and this was one that was in my control, and I didn't have to worry about anyone being mad at me about. Because honestly, I'm so tired of people being mad at me...

My kids are awesome and they excitedly helped me.... with our feet, hands and an ice scraper I had in the van.... we even built a little snow girl with a pigtail.  My belly hurt a bit afterwards, but it was already sore from our trip so I think it's just sore muscles.  (if I have any muscles in there!!) 

As pathetic as it sounds, I am just not ready to let go and watch her memory fade.  Even if only in the minds and hearts of others.  I'm sure that doesn't make sense to some people.  But in the ground or not, she's my daughter - and all I have is memories....so I cling to them just as tight as I would cling to her if she were here with me. And I will do anything to keep them alive, just like I would do for her if she were here with me.  Because to everyone else, she is gone....has been for a long time... but in my heart... she is still here with me.