Becoming Strong

I feel like even when I slip into another rut, God is always pulling me back and helping me to rebound even stronger.  I have been so discouraged and overwhelmed with Rachel's Race among other things that the other day, I wanted to quit it all.  I cried a lot and if God would have made me different, I would have called the whole thing off.  I would have quit... but I'm so not a quitter.

After I got done crying for a couple hours on and off (and blogging about it), I prayed about it, wiped my eyes and got back in the game... cause quite honestly, I don't have time to waste.  My girl still has lives to change and she only has me to help her.  I mean seriously, what kind of mother quits on her kid?  Not this Mama!  I told her I was going to do it and I am... no matter what the outcome looks like it may be.  I don't think Rachel thought she had a perfect mother anyway so I'm sure she's fine with my best effort :o)  And I'm positive God can cover over my shortcomings.

So, Saturday morning, Matt & I went to another local 5K that my friend Vanessa's husband was helping with to see how a 5K even goes since we've never been to one!  It was POURING and I felt bad for the runners, but even in the rain, watching them made Matt & I both decide we want to start running.  I'm obviously running nowhere soon, but next year...  It looks like SO much fun!  When the rain let up a bit, we got out of the van with the boys and walked around and handed everyone we passed a flyer for Rachel's Race.  There were moments as I heard us both echoing "We're having a 5K in memory of our daughter in August" that I had to shake off my instinct to cry... "in memory of our daughter"... ugh.  But I will say it felt really good to have Matt helping me this time.  I do a lot on my own because of his work schedule and stuff. We talked to quite a few people about anencephaly and about Rachel.  This is an anencephaly awareness event and with each person we tell, one more person knows.  So maybe "success" in this event looks different than I might have originally thought....

The one thing I know is that I am determined to make this happen.  I know God is in it and He doesn't need corporate sponsors, good weather, early registrations, or even announcements at churches to make it happen...  see, the amazing thing about God is that He can do anything and He doesn't need anyone, not even me.  So, as inadequate as I feel for this position, it doesn't matter.  He built an ark at our church too and I had never headed up a playground build before either!  Now I'm not trying to lie and say that I don't care how the day goes... I do care.  I want it to be a HUGE success with lots of people there and financially as well so we can give something in Rachel's honor... for her legacy.  But if it's not, Rachel will have been remembered, anencephaly heard about, and I will know that I've done my best which is my job as her mother.

One of the last people we gave a flyer to took one look at it and recognized the picture of her hands.  She said "I've been following her story in the paper... God bless you" and gave me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek.  She said she would be honored to help spread the word.  It just amazes me... my sweet Rachel... she's touched so many lives.  Thank You Lord.

I want to share a poem that I have had on my fridge for years...  I read it today after church and realized how much God has changed me through my journey with Rachel.  The things I used to think were strengths, have proven to be my weaknesses and vice versa.  I used to think being strong meant never being afraid or unsure of myself and so when I felt these things, I felt weak - in myself and in my faith.  And unfortunately, there are a lot of believers who think that if you're not "thinking positive" it means exactly that - that you're weak in your faith.  But through this past year, I have learned to a whole new level what it means in 2 Corinthians when it says "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in (your) weakness, therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses that the power of Christ may dwell in me" (paraphrasing here)  I have to keep reminding myself that it is NOT in ME that I will find strength, but in Christ alone...

Strong Woman vs. Woman of Strength

A strong woman works out ever day to keep her body in shape

But a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything

But a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her

But a woman of strength gives her best to everyone.

A strong woman walks sure footedly

But a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face

But a woman of strength wears grace

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey

But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong!

~Author Unknown 

And so I continue to hold on to my great God as I walk this journey through my pain, fear, intimidation and uncertainty...through my falls and failures...knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Believing that He is enough and that Rachel may be gone, but she isn't done here yet.

Please pray with us that Rachel's 5K will go well and that God will use this for her honor and His glory.