I found myself standing there through a song that normally has me in tears and was indifferent to it... I could feel my heart wanting to let the Spirit move in me, but I refused. I'm tired of emotional breakdowns. I'm tired of being sad alone while standing next to my husband. I'm tired of other people trying to their best to console me and it doing the opposite. I'm tired of having to politely nod and smile when I want no part of a conversation. I'm tired of this journey. I just want my daughter back.
Since we're going to be recognizing many lost babies at Rachel's walk, I have started getting a lot of registration forms with the babies info on them. (You can register your baby here ) I've been blown away with how many have been lost to anencephaly. But I see many of the forms with one, two, three days that the baby lived on it.... and I wonder, why did I only get 43 minutes? I know the pediatric doctor messed up (not getting into that one) but God had control over that too... and so why? Why couldn't my kids have met her alive? Why couldn't I have heard her little voice? Why didn't I get to see her kick her legs? Why couldn't He have made it different? I am not only grieving her death, but also her short life....
I haven't read up on anything to do with the grieving process... the 'counselor' I went to gave me some papers that I never read cause honestly, I don't buy into a lot of the stuff people write or the hokey ideas they give you to help with it. But I've heard from quite a few people that it's "normal" to feel like things are worse at the 6 month mark. I guess it's good that something in my life is "normal". Nothing feels normal.
After church we went through the McDonald's drive thru... the lady taking our money looked at us and said "that's a nice playground you built". I figured she knew Matt, but nope...must have just recognized us from the paper or my blog. As we drove off, Des said "McDonald's reads the blog??!!" We went to Walmart and on the way out, I sat on a bench to share some Skittles with the kids (a good excuse to give my tired feet a break) when a woman came up and knelt down next to me and said "I read your blog and pray for you every day". We had a great conversation and she encouraged me in the purpose of my journey. And I always love it when I get to talk about Rachel without the other person looking uncomfortable.
As I think about how far Rachel's story has reached, I am reminded of a verse that a missionary friend of ours read this morning at church while speaking about his families' ministry in another country... My mission field is different, but it's where God has me right now and it's not without discomfort. There are many days I just want to quit and I've thought about it many times recently as you can probably tell by the number of posts I've had the last couple of weeks. I've noticed recently that I've been keeping quiet about my feelings more cause I'm learning the hard way that people don't usually really want to know, but that in itself hurts cause I'm not one to keep things in and it feels opposite of what God wants me to do. But I'm so tired of subjecting myself to possible pain in order to be real with people and make an impact in their lives. I know, sounds selfish... but it's a strange dynamic since I have to talk about my personal feelings in order to do it. Hard to explain what I'm trying to say.
In my humanness, there are many days when I listen to, or read emails from, my blog readers telling me how much I have helped them, how they love to read my story, how I encourage them or that they know Christ now because of Rachel's story and although I am completely humbled and honored to be a part of such a thing, I sometimes wonder why I have to "waste away" to bring them "life". I wonder why Rachel had to die to bring them life... I wonder why God couldn't have done it another way. He could have used anything...anyone.
There are also many days that I thank Him for those very same things. I thank Him that He is using me and Rachel....That He trusted me with her... that I can encourage people even in my heartache... that people have come to know Him through our journey. That blows me away. I thank Him that I am Rachel's Mama, exactly how she is...even though she's gone... because this journey has changed me for the better.
It doesn't make any of it easier. But it renews my hope for my future in my real home with Him. IF I can keep my eyes fixed on Him... on the eternal unseen and not my temporary circumstances.