A Different Kind of Friday

Fridays...it's just what I do. 

I have had one goal every Friday for over 6 months now... to visit my baby's grave.  I call it "visiting Rachel" but I never get to see her.  The minutes that pass while I'm there, I consider "time with her" when I've yet to see her face since December 9th.  I use it as my time to "nurture her", but have been robbed of the chance to feed her, change her and wipe milk from the corner of her mouth.  "Nurture" holds a new meaning now- It means I pick up everything that has tipped over from the wind, I brush the dirt off her fake flowers, I bring new things for the wind and dirt to mess up - and in the winter, I fought my way through the ridiculous snow to just stand above her grave and cry.

Today was no different than every other Friday...at first.  I still woke up with Rachel's empty blanket in my arms.  I still headed to Dover saying "I'm going to visit Rachel" and got there to find things tipped over and dirty.  I nurtured her by brushing off the dirt and re-positioning everything so that it looked pretty.  I talked to her and wondered if she can hear me.  I told her I miss her and can't wait to see her again as my heart ached knowing how far away that could be.  And as I got back in the car, I signed "I love you" with my hand and blew a kiss towards the ground, knowing full well, she isn't there.

The difference about today was that I made the mistake of planning a prenatal appointment for baby boy on a Friday.  I realized it on Tuesday and debated changing it and decided not to.  And so I went from the cemetery to Options for Women (we received our first donation for Rachel's 5K from Andrew J. Foss Co.!!) to pick up the check and then to the doctor's office to hear our newest son's heartbeat.  From deep sorrow and grief to excitement to joy and blessing all in an hour.

I realize as I do things like this that I really am strong in Christ.  I don't believe that I'm in a do-what-I-gotta-do mode and just getting through cause I have no choice or because in myself I am strong... I'm not.  I know that God is holding me up as I go from one emotion to the next and back.

I met with my midwife, Lucy again today.  I am SO glad I switched offices at the beginning of this pregnancy - she is awesome.  She listens and I feel like she really cares about me and what is important to me. I never felt that way at the last office, which is sad.  She has never called Rachel a "fetus" (I hate that) and she has never treated me like there's anything wrong with me because I'm still sad.  She is okay with talking about Rachel, even though she's seeing me for the new baby.  And doesn't judge me on any of my feelings that I've shared with her or try to tell me I'm depressed when I'm not.  I am so glad I followed my instinct to switch, it's been a much better experience.

She talked to me about having my 20 week ultrasound be a level 2 to better rule out any problems.  I want a better ultrasound...I am just not sure I want to know any more than I have to.  With that, they also want to do genetic counseling to see if I'm at risk for anything else... really not interested in that.  I don't need anything else to worry about.  I have enough on my mind and heart.  I told her to schedule it, but am not sure if it is the right decision.  I mean, does it seriously matter?  I guess if he wasn't going to live it could.  I also denied the AFP testing today.  I've never gotten it before, but right after we were told Rachel had anencephaly, the doctor said "that testing you denied would have detected this" (as if it mattered!!).  I just wonder what if the baby has Trisomy or something and won't live long, wouldn't I be better off knowing?  Does that show in an ultrasound?  bottom line... my new awareness makes everything more scary.  everything.  I'm so worried I'm going to make a wrong decision - things don't seem as black and white as they once did.

On the way home, I stopped to water the flowers at Rachel's playground.  I wasn't going to since it poured last night, but at the last second, I turned in.  They didn't need water, but there was a guy I used to get high with there with his girlfriend and their child.  They have followed our story and were there to check out the playground. (and of course, commented on how cool the slide is)  we talked a bit about Rachel and my other baby and randomly he said to me "so, you really changed your life just like that huh?" and it dawned on me...  after I disappeared from the drug scene, some people probably wondered if I had overdosed or was sitting in jail somewhere... I'm sure anyone who knew me didn't think I was sober, married with kids and a believer in Christ.  Some of them probably never wondered about me at all.  Rachel's story has made God's transformation in me obvious to people who otherwise would never see the power of Christ in someone they knew.  I didn't realize until today that Rachel was making God's power known in my life more than just in my journey with her, but even in how God has rescued me from my addiction and alcoholism. 

I came home and started working on stuff for Rachel's 5K.... I just keep putting one foot in front of the other through another Friday.  Today was a little less like the usual Fridays and more like the Friday she was born though - full of unexpected peace, joy and blessing....with sadness, although heavy, as the afterthought.