♥ My First Love ♥

The last few weeks at church, our pastor has been working through each line of the Apostles Creed.  Today we were on "I believe in the Holy Spirit".  Pastor Doug talked about how one of the Holy Spirit's purposes is to comfort us.  I've known this for years... heard it a million times... believed it in my heart...

And yet, when I find myself in the deepest of grief, I still look to humans for comfort that they are not able to give - instead of relying on the only One who can comfort such deep agonizing pain... the Holy Spirit.

Now, I will say that part of the job I've taken on as Rachel's Mama, as well as being in this new club we call the "Baby Loss Community", is one of advocate.  There are plenty of times I have been hurt or let down by others that I have walked away and cried, but said nothing (I know you find that hard to believe, but be me for a day and you'd know)  But I've also put my heart on the line in order to share about things that I know all of us in the BLC have experienced along this path that has caused us pain.  (I've received some criticism for this)  I do this not to "get it out" or "make others look bad" but in hopes of helping people better understand how to grieve with those who grieve - and also so the other mamas like me know they're not alone.  I'll admit, I have not always done this perfectly, but this journey with Rachel has brought to light my own past failures in the area of compassion, and with that is has also made it so painfully obvious how mean people can be without intending to be.  I find it disappointing and God probably does too.  I know that my pain has been real and people have done things, or not done things, that justifiably caused my heart to hurt.

That being said, I feel like I need to apologize and even repent over the fact that I have at times expected people (you) to comfort me in a way that only God can.  There have been days and weeks where my pain has been so great, that I walk around like an open wound hoping someone will act like a medic with first aid kit and come to my rescue.  I have felt invisible, unloved, uncared for, and even abandoned when nobody comes running yelling "call 911" - I mean, can't you all see I'm dying here?  Doesn't someone recognize that I need assistance?  Does anyone see that I'm broken?  Does anyone have time to stop and kiss my boo-boo or offer me a bandaid?  With each attempt at helping me "move forward" by offering things to be positive about or trying to divert my attention from Rachel, it's been like pouring salt in my wound.  I was not prepared for how lonely and deeply personal this road was going to be... or for the fact that so many would lack compassion and concern.

I know everyone thinks I'm just so strong in my faith and I'm never doubting, but I'll tell you what - over the past 10 months (especially in the last 3 months, satan has repeatedly attacked me in the form of unmet expectations from God's people.  I tend to expect the same from others as I would give - things that seem so obvious to me - and when I get something less, I've questioned if any of this is real... I've wondered why God isn't providing for me through His people?  I wonder if He's really with me...  I wonder if He really cares...  I wonder if He really sees me... Does He know I'm broken?  Does He see I'm dying here?  Does He have time to stop and kiss my boo-boo?  I've felt abandoned by God.

Based on the actions (or lack thereof) of His people, I have questioned God's character and doubted His promises - If I would have stopped trying to talk to people and get them to understand me and instead relied on my Comforter, maybe I would have felt comforted. 

The other night, while looking at another baby's blog, Des mentioned that their baby looked more pink like a "regular baby"... "more like Sam" she said.  I told her that Rachel was pink at first too, but by the time they got done stitching me up and I got her bathed and dressed, she hadn't been breathing for a while and so she was blue.  She was really upset that I didn't let them take Rachel out right away so she could have met her while she was pink.  I explained that a Mama never lets anyone take their baby right after their born, unless they absolutely have to - And how I didn't let anyone take her or the boys from me either. 

I told her I could show her Rachel's birth video (we only have about 30 secs on film, but you can hear Matt & I both say "awe" with happy voices filled with love when we first laid eyes on her)  but I warned her that she wasn't wearing her hat yet and it could be scary.  My amazing girl said "I don't mind, I think she's cute anyway".  And so I let her watch it while praying for her heart.... relying on the Only One who could comfort her through the reality of Rachel's condition - the same One who comforted me that day.

Out came Rachel, they held her up for us to see and my sweet Desirae said "awe...she's so cute" just like we did when we saw her.  Unconditional love.  Her sister was pink and that was the proof, that was all she wanted to know.  She didn't see what she wasn't or what was missing... she saw what she was.

I'm telling you this because there is not a person on the face of the planet, not even me, who could have made Desirae's heart accept that with so much love and grace... Only God.  I could have sent her to counseling or sought advice on how to talk to her about it all in a way that she would be ok and tried to use human techniques or human knowledge... but it all would have fallen short.  God alone has directed me on what to tell her and share with her and when - and following His Spirit has not failed me where she is concerned. 

And yet, I still doubt His Spirit is enough for me.  I still seek human advice, human comfort, human love... I know God made us relational for a reason.  I know I need that stuff from humans too.  But I need to remember my first Love.  My one True Comfort.  The only One who can reach into the depths of my heart - see where I'm at without me saying a word, love me anyway - and help me to heal. 

Tonight, I'm calling my first Love and I'm going to pour out my heart and ask for His advice.  I bet He won't change the subject or tell me he has to go... I bet He won't tell me I should feel differently about the blessing in my womb... I bet He won't tell me it's time to move on.... I bet He won't get uncomfortable with the silence when I don't know what to say or can't stop crying... I bet He won't judge me or get upset with me that I've doubted His character....

If I know my God, He will be glad I called and ready to listen... He will know what I'm saying, the groanings of my heart, when I'm not even saying a word... He will pour out His love, mercy, understanding, compassion and comfort until my heart feels at peace and my soul at rest.  If I know my God, He is right there waiting for me to call....waiting patiently for me to come back to His amazing love - to let HIM comfort me in my time of need - and since time is not the same in heaven, I'm sure He doesn't feel like this is old news.  Plus, He's the only One who knows my girl better than I do. 

And maybe that's what this time of hurt from people was meant to show me... that I need more than a fallible human right now.  I need my infallible God and His Holy Spirit.