I've Seen That Outfit Somewhere...

Today I went to Old Navy and got the kids each a pair of flip flops.  I was looking around the baby stuff and struggling to look at the boy stuff instead of the girl stuff.  I found myself getting disappointed every time I passed another cute dress.  Rachel would have looked so pretty in them. 

I looked at some boy stuff and decided I would go to Carter's instead for my first purchase for this little guy.  I want to buy him a shirt that says "baby brother" that matches the kids "big sister/brother" and Rachel's "little sister" shirts.  My thought is that if I get a "baby brother" one, Rachel can keep her position as the little sister.... and yes, I'm already concerned about how you take a family photo without your whole family there.  I can't just leave Rachel out, it just doesn't feel right.

So anyway, tonight I got an email from Carter's.  I never open them, I usually just delete, but since I had just decided I was going to go there, I looked to see if I could find the shirt I want.

I never made it that far.

The ad on the front page was a picture of a cute chubby baby girl wearing the exact outfit that Rachel wore the night I spent with her in my arms.  I was thankful that my mom brought some gifts to the hospital for her cause the preemie stuff I brought was too small on her.  She bought 2 newborn sized outfits that were green with daisies on them (one footed and one dress) and that is what my girl wore until the funeral home came to get her - at which point I changed her into her "love to twirl" outfit that I had to have Kim bring in a bigger size! 


I can't even open a junk email without my heart being ripped out these days... everything is just another reminder that my girl is gone.

A baby on the way forces me to think about baby stuff and see baby stuff that only reminds me about Rachel.  I can't avoid the topic of babies... I'm about to have one.  I go to prenatal appt's, my belly is getting big (pic coming soon), I eventually have to go through clothes and plan... and it all makes me think about the baby I couldn't plan for....the green outfit that is sitting in a drawer upstairs with blood on the neck line from my precious baby's head.  The picture I have hanging on the wall of her in her green dress that I printed in black and white so you can't see how blue her face is....

And so I've been crying a lot again tonight.  The nights have reverted right back to how they were in the beginning... I avoid bed at all costs cause when I get there, all I can do is cry.  I have trouble sleeping and I go to sleep sad and wake up sad.  I'm tired of being sad.... but I don't think sad is going away any time soon.  I just don't get why this is getting harder and not easier.... I miss her so much and my arms ache to hold her just the same tonight as they did the day I first had to let her go.