Sunday, June 12, 2011

I've Seen That Outfit Somewhere...

Today I went to Old Navy and got the kids each a pair of flip flops.  I was looking around the baby stuff and struggling to look at the boy stuff instead of the girl stuff.  I found myself getting disappointed every time I passed another cute dress.  Rachel would have looked so pretty in them. 

I looked at some boy stuff and decided I would go to Carter's instead for my first purchase for this little guy.  I want to buy him a shirt that says "baby brother" that matches the kids "big sister/brother" and Rachel's "little sister" shirts.  My thought is that if I get a "baby brother" one, Rachel can keep her position as the little sister.... and yes, I'm already concerned about how you take a family photo without your whole family there.  I can't just leave Rachel out, it just doesn't feel right.

So anyway, tonight I got an email from Carter's.  I never open them, I usually just delete, but since I had just decided I was going to go there, I looked to see if I could find the shirt I want.

I never made it that far.

The ad on the front page was a picture of a cute chubby baby girl wearing the exact outfit that Rachel wore the night I spent with her in my arms.  I was thankful that my mom brought some gifts to the hospital for her cause the preemie stuff I brought was too small on her.  She bought 2 newborn sized outfits that were green with daisies on them (one footed and one dress) and that is what my girl wore until the funeral home came to get her - at which point I changed her into her "love to twirl" outfit that I had to have Kim bring in a bigger size! 
100’s of styles. Up to 70% off. In stores and online.

I can't even open a junk email without my heart being ripped out these days... everything is just another reminder that my girl is gone.

A baby on the way forces me to think about baby stuff and see baby stuff that only reminds me about Rachel.  I can't avoid the topic of babies... I'm about to have one.  I go to prenatal appt's, my belly is getting big (pic coming soon), I eventually have to go through clothes and plan... and it all makes me think about the baby I couldn't plan for....the green outfit that is sitting in a drawer upstairs with blood on the neck line from my precious baby's head.  The picture I have hanging on the wall of her in her green dress that I printed in black and white so you can't see how blue her face is....




And so I've been crying a lot again tonight.  The nights have reverted right back to how they were in the beginning... I avoid bed at all costs cause when I get there, all I can do is cry.  I have trouble sleeping and I go to sleep sad and wake up sad.  I'm tired of being sad.... but I don't think sad is going away any time soon.  I just don't get why this is getting harder and not easier.... I miss her so much and my arms ache to hold her just the same tonight as they did the day I first had to let her go.

8 comments:

  1. Stacy, you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is Rachel, day in and day out. You're such an amazing person whom I admire so much. BIG hugs, my sweet!

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  2. Rachel is a sweetheart and she has the best mom in the world - you! She will be big sister to your new baby. you have not lost her. She exists and you will see her again.
    Big hugs all the way from England x

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  3. I am sorry you are feeling so sad Stacy. I felt that way too around 6months...it felt like it was getting harder instead of easier. I also remember showing people the black and white photos because it hid how blue Cayden was. I love the pictures you posted of Rachel. She is beautiful no matter what <3 Love you.

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  4. you just never know when you'll get bombarded with stuff like that. :( but Rachel looks very cute in her outfit!! :)

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  5. AWW, she is so dang cute...love the daisies.

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  6. Stacey~
    Rachel is so precious, cute, sweet. I adore her! I adore her momma too! You are one amazing momma and you will get to hold her again. It seems so long, I know! But, she is up there and can't wait to see you when you get there! I just finished reading a book that was just a sweet, sweet reminder of some day I will meet my boy in heaven.(It's called "Heaven is for real") He is sitting on Jesus' lap waiting to meet his momma. It brings tears to my eyes and yet happy feelings amidst the sorrow as well. I can't wait to hold him and not let him go. I feel your pain and I am sorry that you are so sad all the time. I am praying for you friend,
    Carrie <3 love and hugs xo

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