I looked at some boy stuff and decided I would go to Carter's instead for my first purchase for this little guy. I want to buy him a shirt that says "baby brother" that matches the kids "big sister/brother" and Rachel's "little sister" shirts. My thought is that if I get a "baby brother" one, Rachel can keep her position as the little sister.... and yes, I'm already concerned about how you take a family photo without your whole family there. I can't just leave Rachel out, it just doesn't feel right.
So anyway, tonight I got an email from Carter's. I never open them, I usually just delete, but since I had just decided I was going to go there, I looked to see if I could find the shirt I want.
I never made it that far.
The ad on the front page was a picture of a cute chubby baby girl wearing the exact outfit that Rachel wore the night I spent with her in my arms. I was thankful that my mom brought some gifts to the hospital for her cause the preemie stuff I brought was too small on her. She bought 2 newborn sized outfits that were green with daisies on them (one footed and one dress) and that is what my girl wore until the funeral home came to get her - at which point I changed her into her "love to twirl" outfit that I had to have Kim bring in a bigger size!
I can't even open a junk email without my heart being ripped out these days... everything is just another reminder that my girl is gone.
A baby on the way forces me to think about baby stuff and see baby stuff that only reminds me about Rachel. I can't avoid the topic of babies... I'm about to have one. I go to prenatal appt's, my belly is getting big (pic coming soon), I eventually have to go through clothes and plan... and it all makes me think about the baby I couldn't plan for....the green outfit that is sitting in a drawer upstairs with blood on the neck line from my precious baby's head. The picture I have hanging on the wall of her in her green dress that I printed in black and white so you can't see how blue her face is....
And so I've been crying a lot again tonight. The nights have reverted right back to how they were in the beginning... I avoid bed at all costs cause when I get there, all I can do is cry. I have trouble sleeping and I go to sleep sad and wake up sad. I'm tired of being sad.... but I don't think sad is going away any time soon. I just don't get why this is getting harder and not easier.... I miss her so much and my arms ache to hold her just the same tonight as they did the day I first had to let her go.