Sad, But Okay

I'm 17 weeks along with baby boy today. I had a meeting at Options for Women and was able to sneak in an ultrasound. I got to see him sucking on his fingers... I made me smile.  it was really cute. But what Aube kid isn't? :o)

I have felt him move a couple of times.  It makes it feel more 'real', but my heart still feels far away.  I look at baby clothes and wonder if he'll ever really wear them.  I want to get the room turned back into a nursery, but am nervous to make that change without a baby here. (plus, it means moving Rachel's stuff and I have nowhere to move it and am not ready to put it out of sight)  I want to start figuring out what I need, but can't help but wonder if I really need anything at all.  He seems fine, but that doesn't mean anything.  Some babies who don't seem fine, turn out to be okay... and some that seem okay, never come home with their parents.

I've been stripped of my it-won't-happen-to-me belief where I thought if I just followed all the rules and did everything right, my babies would be fine.  I've learned that I don't have any control.  I've learned that sometimes, I'm part of a plan that hurts.  I've learned that 1 in 1000 can be me.  IS me.

I want to refuse to 'miss it twice'...  to bond with this little guy every day I'm blessed to have him, regardless of if he'll be taken from me.  I can't tell what stops me.  I really don't think it's the "self-preservation" that everyone says it is and that I'm told makes perfect sense.  I've also learned that I am not capable of self-preservation.  The only One who can perserve me is my God and I know if something went wrong with this baby, He would.  I honestly think that I'm just still so surrounded by my grief that I am just not there with new baby yet. 

I'm learning to be okay with that.

Someone told me I had to 'choose to think positive' when I said I was still sad. (not from their own experience, just their own opinion)  It sounds like a good idea, but here's the thing... I refuse to deny my true feelings, which happen to involve my sweet Rachel because I should sound more "positive".  I know that God will give me what I need for this baby.  I know that I will bond with him when I need to.  I know God's already working on that and I probably don't even realize it.  This baby is a blessing... I know that better than anyone else.  My pain over Rachel is real...  I know that better than anyone else.

I'm learning how to experience these two totally different emotions over two totally different babies at the same time.  I could feel guilty over the fact that I'm pregnant and that takes away from Rachel.  I could feel guilty over the fact that I'm grieving and that takes away from the new baby.  But I don't think Rachel, the new baby, or God care.... so if they're all okay with it, the only one left that gets a say is me....

and I say it'll be okay. 

I'm okay with being sad and grieving for my girl.  She is worth it.  I'm okay with this pregnancy being different than my others.  He is still my son.  I'm okay with the fact that I don't sound positive all the time.  I've never been accused of being fake.  My only struggle lies in other people's judgement of me because I'm not responding to their questions or comments like they think I should - or how they perceive a Godly woman would respond.  Jesus grieved, He wept, He went to be alone when He needed to be.  He understands my humanness more than a lot of humans I know - and He was perfect. 

I used to have this one liner I said in my days before God... if someone asked me if I was okay, I would say "I'm always okay".  But I never felt okay at all.  THAT is self-preservation.  I failed at it.

With God in my life, I can say "I'm still sad" and still be completely okay, because I am.  Not because I'm happy, things are perfect, or I sound positive...  but because despite the circumstances in my life or how I feel or sound, God is with me and I really am okay.
And so as I venture down these next few months of this journey without Rachel and with Baby Boy, I'm giving myself the freedom from guilt over my feelings.  I'm allowing myself this time to continue grieving my girl, even though I "should" be nothing but happy over this new baby.  And I'm trusting that God will work all this together for my good because I love Him.