Friday, January 27, 2012

Between The Scan and The Results

The weather here today was horrible.  It snowed a bunch last night and then poured rain on it all day.  I decided that I was going to skip my visit to Rachel today, which was a hard thing to decide....I've only missed 2 Fridays in 13 months and that's cause I was out of the state both times.  But I just couldn't see getting everyone into the van to go drive by her spot, which with the rain the way it was, that was about all I was going to do - and then I had to worry about my knee on top of it all.

I had my MRI late this afternoon.  Everything seemed to be running smoothly.  I prayed through the scan...for people who came to mind, for them to find whatever was wrong and for Matt & the kids since they were out running errands while they waited for me (still sharing a car)  I have these crazy thoughts that they will all be out together and get into an accident and die on me.  I hate knowing that life can all change so quickly.

So, I had actually fallen asleep during the MRI, if you've ever had one, they are pretty loud and not necessarily comfortable so that tells you how tired I am! :o)  They got me out and said they just wanted to check and make sure they got everything before I left.  I went up to call Matt to tell him I was done. 

I hung up the phone and heard them whispering in the hallway...
I stepped out into the hall.
She said "we're just going to have you go over to the other side so the doctor can talk to you about what we saw in the scans"

I've heard those words before. 

As we walked, I said "I hope this doesn't mean that this is bad news?"  She looked at me and said "ummmm" I interrupted, "You can't tell me, can you?"  She shook her head.

My eyes started to sting.  Before I knew it I was telling this poor lady about my baby that died and how I had a scan that they sent me to talk to the doctor about and that didn't turn out so well, so this wasn't making me feel very good.  "Just wait here" she said, pointing to a little room.

As I waited in this tiny little makeshift room with just a curtain for a door, I sat there wondering what they would tell me.  I wondered if this was going to be another one of those moments where my life forever changes.  I wondered if being without Matt for this news was a bad idea. 

I sat there repeating over and over "I trust You God, I trust You"

The doctor walked in and said that the MRI showed a fracture that the X-ray didn't pick up.  I sighed relief.  He also said that ibuprofen shouldn't be taken for a fracture, that it slows the healing - way to go Frisbee Hospital!  They told me to talk it around the clock!  That ER trip was a joke.  Crutches I can't use, a prescription I am allergic to and advice that slows my healing. (although to be fair, they didn't see the fracture, but if they weren't so busy trying to keep me from relapsing, maybe they could have given me something for pain that wouldn't have been working against me this whole time) anyway....

I waited for Matt to pick me up and as soon as I got in the car I started crying.  "Can we go to see Rachel?" I asked.  He nodded and headed towards Dover.  I started telling him what had just happened and I could tell he understood my fear.  He knew that day like I did.  "we'll have to let the doc explain that to you" she  had said after my ultrasound.  He's walked the hallway with me between the scan and the results before. He knows what that feels like.

As I sat there crying after just getting non life-changing news about my knee, all I could think was how traumatic this entire experience has been.  It affects me right to the core of my being.  The littlest things; a similar word, sound, smell....all bring me right back to her diagnosis...her birth...her death...her funeral.

My Lord, why does it have to be so complicated?

We stopped at McDonald's and grabbed some food.  I sat nursing Asa and watched Matt & the kids get their drinks, finding myself smiling continuously over something cute one of them did.  Loving so deeply is scary to me now.  I'll do it because that is the best part of this life, but it scares the crap out of me that at any moment, one of them could be taken from me too.

We went to Rachel's grave, I just couldn't skip today after the walk down that hall.  We stood there in 2 inches of slush and as I stared at the spot where her little casket is buried, thinking about her little body being under the very ground we were standing on I said to Matt "It sucks that our baby is under that ground."  We stood in silence in the cold rain for a few minutes, the water leaking through my boots....

"But it's a nice stone" I said as I tucked my head into his chest.  I signed 'I love you' to her as we drove away.  I hate leaving her there, no matter how many times I come & go - I always hate leaving her there.

I'm thankful that today's walk for results only revealed a broken'll heal a lot quicker than the broken heart the last one caused.


  1. Thinking of you always and praying for your healing...your bone and your heart <3 BIG hugs~

  2. Stacey, this is a heart wrenching honest post that is relevant to people in so many ways. It hit me at my core for my girls (10,11,12) who all have some variation of PTSD and often have these moments of "oh, no, what's going to happen to me." For them it is difficult because they cannot put those feelings into words like you have here. Thank you for helping me to understand them in a whole new way.

  3. My heart skipped a beat between reading them telling you that to what the dr. told you, so I can't imagine the toll that walk took on you. Praying for healing comfort for both your heart and your knee.


  4. Stacy~
    Oh sweetie, this is such a hard post. I understand all too well the familiar feeings. I ache for your heart. I am glad that your knee is not anything worse. Will they need to do surgery? Cast it? Praying for you dear friend!
    <3 xo


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