Issues

I'll have to get to my list of gifts tomorrow cause tonight I'm not feeling very thankful.  Funny how it's hard to see the gifts when you're not thankful, isn't it?  Seems like it should go the other way around, but it never does.  So anyway.... here' s my issue... I promise I will get back to the good stuff tomorrow.

I decided I was going to train to run in Rachel's race - and that every step I took was going to be for my girl.  So, I made it to day 2 of week 2 of the couch to 5K program.  I was feeling WAY better emotionally and even physically, just all around better.  So then Sunday I woke up and my knee was killing me.  I could hardly walk.  I babied it Sunday and Monday morning it felt better... I figured I was just weak from being pregnant twice in a row - and so overweight - and just needed to take it slow.  Well, since then it has gotten worse every day.  I decided tonight to go to the ER at Frisbie Hospital to have it looked at.  This is where I get real pissed....

On the way in, the woman who checked me in said under her breath to the woman bringing me back "she's an alcoholic patient" - Mark my words, from now on, on those stupid forms that have NOTHING to do with my current medical care, I WILL NOT be answering their questions about my previous alcohol use. 

I really believe these people thought I was there faking my injury to get pain meds...  I dealt with similar issues in Maine.  I was actually on a medicine that was helping me, but it has an 'addictive' nature and so rather than allow me to keep taking that, which wasn't an every day pill and they said was safer while nursing (they say) - and did I mention that it WORKED for me??? they insisted I switch to something that we didn't know if it would even work, that I had to take every single day, that wasn't as safe for nursing, that was in my opinion NOT what I needed.... but I'm not the doctor... we wouldn't want me to get addicted to something that works, that would be horrible.  Good looking out, Doc.

They took x-rays tonight which showed nothing and told me to see an orthopedic doctor.  Well, that sounds fabulous except to go anywhere I have to take 4 kids with me.  And on top of that, I only have insurance until the end of the month.  And what's (s)he going to do any different?  I went to the ER cause I could while Matt was home.  Pathetic, but true.

She said I need to avoid running and just do other things like abs and arms at the gym.  (not like I could run anyway, I can hardly walk)  I know she didn't care, but I couldn't help it, I said "I do a 5K in memory of my daughter and I was trying to train to be able to run in it this year - so this is breaking my heart, just so you know" and I started crying.  I've cried a lot today and I know it has to do with my pain level and the fact that I haven't been exercising.  Exercise does more for me than Zoloft would any day.  Since the day I blogged about my plan to exercise while recording my gifts, I really haven't cried much.  I have a few times over Rachel, but not the type of thing where I just cry and can't stop, seemingly over every little thing.  I mean, some things deserve tears and some just don't. 

Then they gave me crutches as if I can use them while carrying a baby around.... oh, and the fact that I can't bend my leg which is kinda necessary to use crutches properly - but at least they gave me something right?  They'll probably charge the insurance $800 for those stupid things and say they helped me.  Then they gave me an anti-inflammatory prescription.  This is what I was hoping for.... and when I asked the dr if I could take it while nursing, she said she'd check.  She sent the nurse back 10 mins later and she said,  "we looked it up and she said that you should just take ibuprofen if you're nursing"  and walked out.

So, I'm home after over 3 hours in the ER with crutches I can't use, nothing for pain, the same thing that hasn't been working for swelling (that doesn't even touch the pain) and I've been told I can't run.  And P.S. I'm an alcoholic patient. 

I came home and buried my head in Matt's chest and cried "I wanted to run in Rachel's race" and until that moment, I had no idea why I was so mad.  I could care less if they think I'm a druggy looking for pills and so therefore, refuse me anything for pain.  I could care less if I can't leave my house.... if I have to lay on the couch with my sweet boy all the time....  or if nursing hinders me from being able to take the medicine they gave me.  But why, when I just found a healthy 'for me' kinda thing to do that helps me physically and emotionally while still being 'for her' does it have to be ripped from me practically before I start?  I'm so sick of disappointments.  I'm sick of having my past constantly following me around.  I'm tired of the judgement that brings.  And I'm really really tired of doctors making NO FREAKING SENSE AT ALL - let me get this straight.... while nursing it's not safe to take a strong form of advil, but go ahead and take Zoloft??  Please, I'm not stupid - I may not be a doctor, but there's no way you can tell me that that makes sense.  But I suppose they would have some ridiculous answer they could pull out of their bums about how it's a different strength in your milk if someone asks, and us dummies just go around believing everything they say instead of using our brains (I don't use the word brain lightly) and looking at the facts... it makes NO sense.  I bet if I would have cried a little more in there, I probably could have left with a script for Zoloft for my sprained knee.

Oh, and my blood pressure, which is normally around 104 over 55 was 165 over 95.  At my last doctor's appointment in December it was 145 over 70 and they were concerned then (cause they know my norm and that's high anyway) and yet, the ER has nothing to say about that except "that's really high".  hmmmm... did they learn that in school?  Is there something I should do about that?  It's probably a blessing in disguise that I hurt myself cause I probably would have had a heart attack while running.  What the heck is going on with me? 

So there's my vent, here's my request... please pray for:

My knee to get better so I can at least exercise, and hopefully eventually run :o(
My emotional state while I'm waiting for that, cause I feel it shifting after just a week of not exercising.
That I'll get an appt quickly with the Orthopedic doctor and that if there is something else going on, they'll find it.
My pain level.
My blood pressure
That somehow,  I can start getting the same treatment other people get and stopped being labeled an alcoholic. 
And as minor as this may sound, I need prayer that I will start to drop some of this weight.  I need to lose 40 pounds, haven't lost a single pound since I came home from the hospital no matter what I do food/diet wise and even with the exercising I did.  And this of course, isn't good for my knees.  I am so tired of hearing 'you've had two babies in a row' - lots of people do that and don't still look 6 months pregnant 2 1/2 months later, so just go with me on this one and don't make excuses for me.

I miss my girl.....
that may seem like a different subject, but I just got an unavoidable urge to say it.  The emptiness is woven through every detail of my every day.