Monday, January 2, 2012

She's Still With Us

When we first got Rachel's diagnosis, I made up magnets with prayer requests on them to give out.  One of my very specific requests was "That Rachel will live long enough to come home with us and that she will be here for Desirae's birthday."

So the other day when I heard Des talking to Asa and I heard her say "I'm so glad you're going to be here for my birthday" I fell into tears.  I know she's not remembering that being a desire of my heart with Rachel, but that is exactly where my mind went.  Her birthday is just 2 days away now.

The next day, I went to my friend's daughter's 1st birthday party.  We were sitting around talking (and I was nursing Asa) after everyone had left and she looked down at the coffee table and asked "How did Rachel's magnet get out here?"  And there it was, right in front of me on the table.  We all looked around, confused since we had not seen any of the kids with it.  Her mom smiled and said "Rachel wanted to be out here with us".  I looked at the magnet again.... a year and a half later, it's still in other peoples' homes.... "Pray for Baby Rachel Alice" it says... "Pray for her miraculous healing"....  I smiled, happy to know that Rachel's "presence" wasn't a subject that they avoided.  I LOVE hearing her name and knowing that although she is gone, she is still with us....

For Rachel's birthday, Matt gave me a heart-shaped sun catcher and a willow tree figurine holding her heart, called 'Remembrance'.  They went together because of the heart theme.  If you've been reading long, you know that hearts are one of my 'Rachel signs', along with daisies.  He said the heart was for my van to hang on the mirror.  I put it there and the first day, it almost blinded me when the sun hit it.  I tried to take it down, but couldn't while driving so I waited.  A few minutes later, Isaiah yelled "Rainbows!" and as I looked around, I saw that there were dozens of mini rainbows all over my van.  I just smiled.... she is in the van with us everywhere we go now....  Then this morning, we were running so late for church that I wanted to just stay home.  Matt helped me get out of the house very patiently.  We got to the end of the street....10:27 the clock read...the time she was born... and all over Matt's face as the sun peaked around the building?  Little rainbows!

Over the past week or so, things have been really low and dark for me.  A couple different friends have recommended the same book to me... One that I started reading last April on the plane on the way to Florida.  I actually have a whole post that started out with a picture of the inside cover because that was the moment that hearts started appearing everywhere.  One of my readers Lelia had sent it to me and put heart stickers around Rachel's name inside.

Well, tonight, I came to the conclusion that I am going to read this book... and there is more than that to it, but I have a few new things in the works that I'll get into a different time cause I really should be sleeping right now!!  But as the last piece of the puzzle came together for what I need to do next, I looked at the top of my screen and - although I have NEVER before noticed it and actually can't even see it now... it said it was 43 degrees out.

Who am I to argue with hearts, rainbows and 43's?   I know I'm not making any sense.... I haven't lost my mind yet. don't worry.  I'm just so thankful to be feeling like my prayer for direction is being answered - and to feel excited about something again.

Oh, and thank you to everyone who voted for Asa's picture in the photo contest!  We didn't win, but came in 3rd so Erin is giving us an 8x10 anyway!  So excited!  And of course, the photo we won is the one that he's wearing his owl hat in....the hat that has the little pink bow on the inside to represent Rachel... and serve as a reminder that she is still with us.


  1. You're making PERFECT sense, Stacy! BIG hugs! ;) <3

  2. Feeling so happy that you are feeling your way out of your funk honey. Praying that God continues to bless you!!!
    And email me your plan!!!

  3. Stacy, you're in my thoughts and prayers daily and I'm so glad to hear that God is answering our prayers in His way through rainbows, hearts and 43's :-)
    Hugs and love, anja

  4. Awww, love this post! :) So glad that God is showing the rainbow at the end of the valley. Praying still!!! :) Love you and Rachel and your whole family!

  5. Not crazy, just a Mama who loves her baby! Continued prayers for you all! :)

  6. Not crazy, just a Mama who loves her baby! Continued prayers for you all! :)


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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes