Saturday, January 28, 2012
While the gift lists posts are nice cause they don't take long to write and I usually don't feel too emotional through them, I think every once in a while I should be a little more vulnerable. I know I mentioned it briefly about saying it sucked to have our baby in the ground... but I'm not sure I could ever express in words just what I mean by it 'sucks'. I'm not sure there is a word in the English language that describes what that does to a mother's heart. I could add the F word in front of it and that still doesn't do it. (Are swears even real words? I usually try not to use them here, but sometimes my vocabulary fails me - anyone know another word for suck? ugh, I keep saying it)
The thoughts that go through my mind, the things I wonder.... I know the little body I carried around inside of me for 9 amazing months as I got to know her personality, is down there - just under the surface. I remember the night we buried her sitting on my couch wanting to drive down there and dig her up. This part of it has been absolute torture. It just isn't right. I hate dirt, I hate bugs, I hate the cold.... and I would never leave my kids.
And here I am, almost 14 months later, and I have no choice but to leave her....in the cold, in the dirt, with the bugs. And these things aren't supposed to plague my mind? I've wondered if I should have had her cremated, but I know I would have the same thoughts, they would just involve fire, which I also hate.
I understand that 'she' is not there. I've heard it a million times, I believe it....but part of 'she' to me is her body and it is there. I spent hours and hours researching what kind of vault to buy because I wanted to make sure that she wasn't going to get wet and that no bugs could get to her. My God am I really saying this about my baby?? But the truth is, I don't know that they aren't lying. I mean, who checks into those things? You can't get your money back guarantee on a casket or a vault.
What I want for my daughter is to wrap her in a blanket and keep her dry and warm. I want to provide what she needs to help her grow... to be able to love her - not her stone...her. I want to keep her from deteriorating little by little. I want to make her whole.
After I had a conversation with a friend today who has the same struggles, I looked up at my calendar on my wall. And I can't help but wonder if there could be something more to what is below the surface of the ground then we know.... Like maybe He's already working on that.... And maybe even when something really F-ing sucks, maybe there is still Hope.....
My heart cries out....
Blossom baby girl, blossom.