The longest winter of my life.
The harshest weather I've ever faced, on the outside and on the inside
And today, on Friday, we got our first bloom of spring.
We went to Options For Women for an ultrasound today. I woke up thinking about canceling the appt. I just can't seem to get excited about an ultrasound anymore. They will never be the same...
Baby looks like (s)he is doing good...and I saw a round head, I think. A couple more weeks and I should be able to get the 'final answer' from the doctor. The heartbeat was 165 and baby was moving like crazy. Apparently taking after Rachel in the gift of dancing. I left and called Matt to tell him it went well, but didn't feel happy...I don't know, I guess I will only feel better when I'm holding this baby in my arms at home and it's alive. It seems like every time something goes "right" with this baby, I grieve the ways that it went "wrong" with Rachel. It's not that I'm not in love with this baby or excited that it appears to be healthy, because I am, but... well, unfortunately I can't explain something I don't understand myself. It is what it is.
We left there and went to the cemetery to have a picnic at Rachel's grave. There was an Easter basket awaiting us and I laughed when I saw Sam's egg...poor boy, but I am so grateful that people make accommodations for him. It was from Denise & family and I'm going to make this basket Rachel's each year. I didn't buy one because, as I stood at the store debating it, I decided it was foolish to spend money I don't have on something for a girl who will never see it and I just used an old plain one from home. And so my heart lit up when I saw this and realized that now I have one for her, and it's cute. :o)
|Ours had candy that Sam couldn't have|
It was so warm today - snowing last week, the 70's this week! I basked in the sun for a few at her grave. The cemetery has been going regularly to add dirt to her grave to make sure it's level each time it settles again and today it had grass seed on it. Hopefully it will start to cover over soon. I can't believe how well they tend the grounds there, they don't miss a beat. But just like everything else, it is sad to me that someday I may not remember exactly where she is buried. She just keeps seeming further away. I know this is going to sound morbid, but as I sat there with the kids today, I thought about how someday Matt & I will be buried there too (provided we don't lose any more children) and I thought about how the kids will be visiting my grave there and will have memories of being there with me as they grew up. I hope that it brings them comfort when I'm gone and that God will meet them there the same way He has me.
Both Des & Isaiah have been praying fervently that "Mama's baby will come out safely" and at dinner tonight Desirae thanked God that He gave the baby a head. I'm thankful too, but I miss the days when I didn't know a baby could be born without one. One thing is for sure, I doubt I ever have to worry about my children where abortions are concerned. I always wanted to do "more" for pro-life... I used to have Des help me with mailings to raise money to help save babies and help mothers to make decisions they wouldn't regret. After I experienced what it was like to be pregnant in a less than perfect situation (I was in jail) and have Matt's sister and a few close friends tell me that having an abortion would be the only unselfish thing to do, (even offering to pay for it) I know why girls can easily get scared into it. I told Desirae about abortions much younger than most people would, because I always wanted my kids to know how sacred life is... each and every one... and now I believe they do.
Desirae fully understands that 95% of babies like Rachel get killed at a "Dr's office". She knows that a lot of people don't believe that it's important to let God decide when babies live and die and she knows that a lot of people in the world don't think that Rachel mattered because she had nothing to offer us. Oh, how wrong they are! An article I read the other day said that "these babies will never achieve personhood". I wanted to puke. Rachel was a person made in God's image. She was a beautiful person with a beautiful soul.
Tonight Des said that God was good because he gave this baby a head and I asked her "so does that make Him 'not good' that He didn't give Rachel the top of hers?" Her answer didn't sound like that of an 8 year old... she said "no, because He did many things with Rachel" I asked like what... she said "like some people know Jesus now because of Rachel and He's making a big playground because of her" I asked "what did He do for you through Rachel?" and she replied "He gave me a sister". My sweet Desirae...she has no idea how amazing she is.
God has done many things with Rachel. Too many to count. He had each and every single one planned out before the creation of the universe. Just imagine.
The same is true for you and me.
Pause the music player at bottom of blog and listen to this song I heard today