"It" is Messy

"It" always seems to get me where I'm least expecting it.  Sometimes it's while I'm driving or at a stop light... sometimes it's when I'm eating lunch or doing dishes... sometimes it's when I am just waking up or late at night when I'm trying to go to sleep...sometimes it's when I see one of my other kids do something really precious or even when one of them does something that makes me afraid for their lives (that's usually Isaiah).  Sometimes it's when I think of the past and sometimes it's when I think of the future.  Sometimes it's when I look in the mirror.  I can't escape it no matter how much I want to and I can't control it no matter how much I try.  It doesn't always look the same so it can be hard to recognize. Sometimes I just don't see it coming.

Today "it" got me when I was cleaning up after dinner...  I started picking up stuff on the table so I could wash it and saw a big envelope from my old doctor.  I didn't recognize it and don't know how it got on the table so I opened it.  I looked through a page or two and then realized what it was.  It was Rachel's diagnosis in writing... my ultrasound reports from August 4th and 5th.  As I read down through all the check points (heart, lungs, kidneys, umbilical cord)  that they confirmed were all "normal" I smiled with a proud Mama smile... she was so strong,  I thought.  And then came the last one...

Report Summary: Absent fetal cranium, consistent with anencephaly.

This is obviously not new news... and yet it felt like the first time I had heard it.  I stood there with my wet rag still in hand and I started sobbing and within seconds my legs gave out and I had to sit down.  I cried and cried and cried some more...  and the table is still dirty hours later.

It got me again.... why can't it just leave me alone?