Monday, October 3, 2011

10 Months - A Glimpse of God's Faithfulness

I can't believe it's been 10 months.  She would be 10 months old....cute chubby cheeks and pig tails and pulling up on everything. 

I came across a video I made for Sam for his first birthday last night, and as I watched it, I cried and cried.  Life was simple then.  I looked a lot younger and more vibrant.  Smiles weren't hard to come by. Tears were rare.  My children didn't know loss at all and I didn't know the the deepest pain in the world.  I miss the innocence that I had then.... the innocence that was ripped from me on August 4, 2010.  I heard the lyrics on the first song say "my sweet baby, on loan from above..."  I know Rachel was His first, but I couldn't help but wish I got to loan her for longer.

Instead of chasing her around the house and trying to teach her to walk, I'm decorating her grave.  And as much as I hate that, I know this was God's plan.  This isn't a mistake, her life unfolded exactly the way it was supposed to - and I am right where I'm supposed to be, pain and all.  Through these months of constant cemetery visits, I have learned something about my loyalty and devotion - and God's faithfulness.  I guess I always knew those were qualities I possessed, (especially where my children are concerned) but I never knew what a mother's love could do with the Lord's help until this year.  Her playground - her 5K - and my faithfulness to her grave and it's beauty... she has made me a stronger person and given me a glimpse of God's unending love.  If I can love my child, whom I knew such a short time this much,  how much more does God love his children...even the ones who are brand new in his family??  There's no describing it.

We were supposed to go put this stuff up yesterday so that Matt could go with me since I do all the cemetery stuff alone usually.  But yesterday it poured all day long.  We were going to go anyway, but I knew that I would need time to fix it "just right" and standing in the pouring rain wasn't appealing to me since it wasn't even the 3rd.  I decided to wait and see if today was any better.  I was glad to wake up to dreary weather with no rain falling. 

I told the kids we needed to hurry before it started raining again.  When we got in the car, I mentioned that I was glad it wasn't raining yet.  Isaiah told me "I knew it wasn't going to rain and that's why I didn't hurry up"  I said "how do you know it's not raining in Dover?"  and he said that he 'just knew'.  On the way, it started sprinkling and he said "well, I guess I was wrong" (he's so cute)  but up ahead, right about over where the cemetery is, I could see a clearing in the sky....
And sure enough, we got there and it was still free of rain drops.  I set up the things I had prepared for her.  Not sure I'm loving the double sided shepherd's hook....but I have time to change it before the ground freezes.  It's so hard to plan ahead to know what I'll want there for the winter, especially Christmas.  Once the ground freezes, I'm stuck with it!   I should have known that I'm too symmetrical of a person to like something I couldn't center, but I didn't want to cover our name on the back.  With the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer, I wanted her grave to have more light so I got the lantern too.

Isaiah went and picked some dandelions and placed them on her stone... reminding me of the flowers from vacation - some times it's the simple things that mean the most.  Isaiah is such a sweet boy, he's always talking about and doing things for Rachel.  His thoughtfulness makes my heart smile. 

No sooner did he place the flowers down, it started raining!  It was as if that was the switch that turned on the rain.  We got back in the car and within 5 minutes, it was a complete downpour!  The timing was unreal.  It felt like God had held back the rain long enough for us to decorate for Rachel and that was it. 

Sometimes I wish she knew all the love that goes into this spot... and other times, I'm thankful she doesn't.  I'm glad that she is oblivious to the pain and tears on this earth and only concerned with dancing with Jesus.  I'm sure that's way prettier than my flowers anyway.  Some day I'll see.... 

Happy birthday sweet girl.... still thinking of you, missing you, loving you and counting down the days till we see you again....

Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you


  1. Wow, her grave looks so beautiful! You're an amazing mom!
    Much love and hugs, anja

  2. I think it looks great. And I love the double Shepard's hook!

  3. I think it looks great - and is balanced perfectly with the flowers on the ground next to her stone. It warms my heart to see how you shower that grave with your love, yet its so heartbreaking that that's all you can do. My heart breaks for you sweet friend.
    P.S. Greg loved the idea of the parkbench for our special spot for Sebby, maybe we'll go looking for one over the weekend. I guess we can get a little plaque made up too, and Greg would like to get a statue for the garden in his honour too. We are not gardeners but it will be so nice to have a special spot for my boy.


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