My friend Cyndie, who started out as a blog reader after seeing one of Rachel's articles in the paper, has brought us dinner, ingredients for smoothies (our latest family fave) and has been working her tail off getting ready for a baby shower she and my kids are throwing for me & Asa. A couple days ago I got a card from my dad with money to use for Asa and today, my first baby shower gift from my registry!! I opened the door to find a big Diapers.com box and ....well you know how much I LOVE packages! :o) I got one of the cloth diapers we use, a pack of the liners and I was SO excited to see that I got a bag I registered for. I really just put that on there as a 'wishful thinking' item and didn't really think I'd get it. It's the nicest diaper bag I've ever had :o) Sorry, I'm easily excited! Packing a baby in style...fun! And since I'm going to be extremely overweight when I give birth to this big boy, I'm going to really appreciate having something I can wear that isn't too tight and uncomfortable! I know, you all think I'm "all belly" but trust me, my baby doesn't weigh 200 pounds! Yes, I said it.... I'm 5'5" and 200 pounds with 6 weeks to go... but a cute bag, huh? :o)
I've also been reminded this week by a bunch of people through emails and cards that me & my girl aren't forgotten. It's a hard time of year... getting ready for Asa around the same time I was getting ready for Rachel. His shower is the week before hers was last year and this cooler weather really reminds me of the time I had with her, knowing she would die. As I get bigger and I'm feeling the aches and pains that come along with the last few weeks of pregnancy, I can't help but think about how much of a struggle my pregnancy with Rachel was physically, which of course only reminds me that she's gone. It's such a blessing for me to feel remembered right now (and as her first birthday approaches) especially.
Then yesterday, a friend came by with two scrapbook pages she made for Rachel's book and a chocolate cake! AND I received an answered prayer on my answering machine from a friend who offered to help with our finances if I have Asa during the week so that Matt can be with me at the hospital and money doesn't determine our decisions around that time. Then today I got a grocery gift card from the Rose J. Alix Memorial Fund.
And I'd be leaving out my main player if I didn't tell you about my husband... for a while, I struggled with the fact that this grieving thing was so different for him and that the only other person on the face of the planet that could love Rachel as much as me, couldn't cause he didn't know her like me. It was lonely to put it mildly. Lately though, he has talked of her more, remembered her more and been even more understanding and protective of my heart as her mother. And since my friend Lisa has been editing some of our pictures of Rachel, I have a new one of Matt & Rachel that is precious...
|I wish she could have enjoyed Daddy's shoulder more...it's one of my favorite places too.|
I was telling Matt last night that I hate that I've needed peoples' help for so long... that my floor has dirt literally built up on it and I'm not capable of getting it off (except in the spots where the chairs' feet rub and leave lines all over the floor! ugh) cause I can't even bend over. That I still need help with meals... that we need help financially. And it was as I said it that I realized that God is teaching me a very gentle lesson about putting pride aside and not finding my worth in what I can do or what I have. I used to stress over a spotless house and think that success was measured in things like money, careers and being able to 'do it all' myself. (which never proves to make anyone happy, never mind fulfilled or joyful) This past 13 months, I have been carried along physically by all of you while He has carried my heart. He could have let me fend for myself as I have learned these lessons. But He hasn't. He has provided for our every single need the entire journey. He always provides....it's trusting Him to and letting Him that I need to get better at. Someone told me the other day at the kids' gym class while I was fretting over the details of Asa's birth "If you have a hold of it, God can't... you have to give it to him." I immediately knew she was right and felt a shift in my heart. I came home to blessings from 3 of my sisters in Christ... a meal, a cake, scrapbook pages and the message about helping us financially for Asa's birth. such a 'coincidence'!
Thank you all for loving me/us so much and for giving and providing for us for so long. It's in your acts of service and love that I learn more each day about how amazing our God is. You are such a blessing to me!