37 Weeks And A Day

37 weeks and a day....  that's how far along I am today - and it's also how long I was blessed to have Rachel in my womb.  I feel so ready to have this baby.  I know by this time with Rachel, God has brought me to the place where I was ready to meet her too, but when "hello" means "goodbye", it's just not the same. 

I have been thinking back to these days with Rachel...  I can't help but wonder how in the world I kept going.  Right now, I'm struggling to not want to quit everything and take a break until Asa is a couple months old!  We had music last night and I just want to quit.  We have photos tonight and I just wanted to cancel.  I'm supposed to scrapbook Rachel's book (that I desperately want done before Asa comes) with my friend Jenn tomorrow and I have already warned her I might back out.  Not to mention all the places I have to get the kids to and from with homeschool and Isaiah's pre-school.  I am so worn out that I just want to check out of life for a while. 

How did I keep going with Rachel?  I was in more pain physically.  I had just as much - or more- going on.  I was really busy with birthday and funeral plans.... And I could hardly keep a thought straight because I was so overwhelmed with the reality of what was about to happen.  How was I still at music that very week, just days before I had her?  Well,  I wanted her to go to as many places with me as possible.  When I sat on that stool last night playing Amazing Grace on my guitar, I knew that Asa could hear me and that not that long ago, Rachel sat on that same stool with me listening to me play music for her.  I actually have a picture of it! :o)   Rachel heard me perfect The Old Rugged Cross.

My friend Lisa Borders has been re-touching some of Rachel's photos for me and so these past two weeks I have spent hours looking at photos from the hospital, the funeral home and her funeral.  I have cried a million times.  I also read through a bunch of my posts from last November the other night and my heart ached as I did.  It was as if I was reading someone else's story, it felt so surreal that I walked the path I did.  I think that is because I was actually being carried by God.  But these trips down memory lane are painful, yet necessary. 

One of the first photos that Lisa edited for me was one of Rachel without her hat on.  I wasn't expecting she'd edit this at all and it took me by surprise when I opened it.  We only took those photos for the Duke University study we participated in.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have them.  She wrote above her picture "All of God's grace in one sweet little face" - and it was there.  As much as some would look at it and say it was a tragedy - and believe me, it hurts like crazy to see my baby missing the top of her head, God's amazing grace is all over that photo... you know why?  Because as I held her that day, I was smiling at her.  She was my baby.  God's miracle.  Not a mistake.  She changed the world.  He uses the weak to shame the strong.  And for a little girl who was so 'imperfect' to some, she was the most beautiful thing I've been blessed to know.  I'm thankful to have that photo now.  I probably wouldn't remember her looking like that, but I think in a way it's good for me to be able to remember clearly what I experienced that day.  The good and the bad.

As I sat down to write this, I looked at the clock.  It was this time in the morning that I was being operated on and waiting to lay eyes on my girl.  She was born at 10:27am and born into heaven at 11:10am.  Just not long enough for me. 

Today is another reminder of how short my time with her was and yet the unbelievable bond between a mother and her child before they even officially 'meet'.  I cannot imagine having to say goodbye to my sweet Asa today and I'm so thankful I don't have to... but I won't deny that I woke up this morning (and have done the same for the past couple of days) and when I noticed he wasn't moving, shook my belly to make sure he was still alive.  There are just some things that I can't help - and one of them is the fear that comes along with knowing how little control I have over my children's lives.  I gave Rachel my all and it wasn't enough to keep her here.  You can do everything 'right' - you can hope, pray, beg for healing and safety - you can have peace in the midst of a storm and it doesn't mean you will have the outcome you want.  That is scary.  And at the same time I'm reassured that it's not my lack of faith, the presence of fear, my failure to pray hard enough or hope fully enough that will cause 'bad' things to happen to me.  But instead, it's the sovereignty of my great God, Who knows the story all the way to the end and every detail in between, working all things together for my good and His Glory. 

37 weeks and a day....  what a journey it's been.