Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Through My Eyes

Yesterday at my appt, the nurse gave me a new patient folder.  It wasn't one I got with Rachel - apparently most of it doesn't apply to babies that will die.  I smiled that I got one this time, recognizing the gift of my healthy baby.  But at the same time, I felt sad that I wasn't a recipient of 'the folder' with my last precious child.

The nurse left me sitting in there for 35 minutes while she called my last doctor to verify I had in fact had a test that I told her I did.... seems she could have done that after my appt, but whatever.  I guess she thought there was a chance I was lying??  While she was gone, after staring at my cute little boy's ultrasound for 15 minutes, I decided to look through the folder.

On the outside it has a picture of a baby and above that it said:
"You may only be here for a couple of days" 

OK, so I was all confused... why does it say the baby will only be here a couple of days??  Did she give me the wrong folder?  Maybe this is a new one for people who know their baby will die.  And why do they say 'only a couple of days?'  I would have given anything for a couple of days.

Then I opened it and on the inside it says
"But the experience will stay with you always"

I realized it wasn't talking about the baby and how long he would be on earth,
but me and how long I'd be in the hospital. 

I sighed with discouragement...  my perception of every day things is forever changed.  Nothing will ever be as simple or straightforward as it used to be.  I will always see things through the eyes of a mother who lost her baby.  And a lot of ordinary things hurt through my eyes.

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