My kids had fun playing in it tonight. It's always exciting the first time we get snow that sticks. Come January I won't be thinking it's exciting, but tonight, we had fun. Sam had already gone to bed cause he had an allergic reaction to something he ate this afternoon and the Benedryl knocked him out... wish he could have been in this picture. And, of course, there is a little girl I would love to have in this picture too. I miss her so much.
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I teared up thinking about the truth of that through this journey. God is still doing a work in me through my sweet girl. In the moments I feel the weakest, He is the strongest. When I feel like I can't go on, He carries me. When I am hurting, He holds my heart. And I know that through all this deep pain... all these days of being let down by other humans... every tear, every disappointment, every lonely trip to the cemetery to take care of what I have left of my baby and talk to myself.... through the unending daily pain that comes from losing a child....
I get a little bit stronger.
When I wake up in the morning, still clinging to her blanket after almost 11 months and not wanting to face my day, but I get up anyway....when I see a new baby girl coming my way and want to turn around and run, but I go congratulate them anyway.... When I listen to yet another person make a comment that's supposed to make me feel better about my daughter's death, but it just pours salt in my wound, and I smile anyway... through every anniversary, every missed milestone, every family event and picture where there is clearly someone very special missing.... every time I have to explain to my kids again that their sister is not coming back or why I'm sad again. When I feel my weakest....
I get a little bit stronger.
And as the days of the past year have gone by, God has never failed to remind me He hasn't forgotten me. Back on Oct. 13th I posted a photo of a daisy that was still hanging around. My daisies had been done blooming since the end of August and I found one, beautifully bloomed in my yard. It must have been there at least a week at that point with how open it was.
At 37 weeks and a day of this pregnancy, as I got pregnancy photos taken for Asa, the first snow of the year started falling - but it didn't stay. The first snow last year fell on the night Rachel was born (at 37 weeks and a day of pregnancy), but it didn't stay. She was in my arms as I watched it out the window from my hospital bed surrounded by daisies that we had brought for her, but she didn't stay.
While the kids were playing outside, I went around the front to see if that daisy was still holding on.... and sure enough, it was. I've never seen a daisy in the snow before. Let alone one that has been bloomed for almost a month, 2 months after the rest of the flowers have died.