Baby Rachel's Legacy: I Got a Little Bit Stronger

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I Got a Little Bit Stronger

Our storm has started and it's coming down! I can't believe this - although I'd be lying if I said I didn't find a bit of humor in it when my neighbor said something about this snow ruining Halloween... The snow is much prettier to me.

My kids had fun playing in it tonight. It's always exciting the first time we get snow that sticks. Come January I won't be thinking it's exciting, but tonight, we had fun. Sam had already gone to bed cause he had an allergic reaction to something he ate this afternoon and the Benedryl knocked him out... wish he could have been in this picture. And, of course, there is a little girl I would love to have in this picture too. I miss her so much.

Last night, Des & I were out scrapbooking (well, she was playing, Jenn & I were scrapbooking) until after 10:30! We got a bunch of pages laid out, but spending that much time thinking about the details of my baby's short life and how to lay them out in a book can be emotionally draining. On our way home, a song played on the radio - it's actually about a break-up, but one of the verses said this:

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I teared up thinking about the truth of that through this journey. God is still doing a work in me through my sweet girl. In the moments I feel the weakest, He is the strongest. When I feel like I can't go on, He carries me. When I am hurting, He holds my heart. And I know that through all this deep pain... all these days of being let down by other humans... every tear, every disappointment, every lonely trip to the cemetery to take care of what I have left of my baby and talk to myself.... through the unending daily pain that comes from losing a child....

I get a little bit stronger.

When I wake up in the morning, still clinging to her blanket after almost 11 months and not wanting to face my day, but I get up anyway....when I see a new baby girl coming my way and want to turn around and run, but I go congratulate them anyway.... When I listen to yet another person make a comment that's supposed to make me feel better about my daughter's death, but it just pours salt in my wound, and I smile anyway... through every anniversary, every missed milestone, every family event and picture where there is clearly someone very special missing.... every time I have to explain to my kids again that their sister is not coming back or why I'm sad again. When I feel my weakest....

I get a little bit stronger.

And as the days of the past year have gone by, God has never failed to remind me He hasn't forgotten me. Back on Oct. 13th I posted a photo of a daisy that was still hanging around. My daisies had been done blooming since the end of August and I found one, beautifully bloomed in my yard. It must have been there at least a week at that point with how open it was.

At 37 weeks and a day of this pregnancy, as I got pregnancy photos taken for Asa, the first snow of the year started falling - but it didn't stay. The first snow last year fell on the night Rachel was born (at 37 weeks and a day of pregnancy), but it didn't stay. She was in my arms as I watched it out the window from my hospital bed surrounded by daisies that we had brought for her, but she didn't stay.

While the kids were playing outside, I went around the front to see if that daisy was still holding on.... and sure enough, it was. I've never seen a daisy in the snow before. Let alone one that has been bloomed for almost a month, 2 months after the rest of the flowers have died.

I knew that by morning, this pretty flower would be dead with 6-10 inches of heavy snow on it, so I cut it in order to bring it inside and protect it from the storm... I felt like I was doing something for my girl, even though she's already been taken from the storm to a place where she can bloom much longer. I could almost picture God picking her up that day and carrying her home to keep her safe.

And as I shut the door behind me, knowing that this flower had just shared another piece of God's heart with me... another truth about how much God loves and cares for me and for Rachel,

I got a little bit stronger.

Here are the lyrics to the song I have playing that you should turn on if you have it off...

In Me by Casting Crowns

If you ask me to leap

Out of my boat on the crashing waves

If You ask me to go

Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

I'll go, but I cannot go alone

Cause I know I'm nothing on my own

But the power of Christ in me makes me strong

Makes me strong

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong