Ready As I'll Ever Be

Yesterday was the big day for Asa's baby shower.  I was cleaning up in the morning and after just a handful of tasks, I was in tears because I was in pain.  It wasn't the pain that was making me cry, but rather the fact that I'm just worn out with the pain.  The pain is bearable, but I just need a break from it.  "It's been a long year"  I heard myself say out loud as I got out of the shower already exhausted.  I feel pretty ready for Asa's arrival...physically.

Our celebration was beautiful.  It was at the same place as Rachel's and I loved it.  We had daisies with a sunflower on each table (when we found out we were having a boy, Matt brought a bouquet like that home for me saying it was a "son" flower, but remembering Rachel too)  And Lyndt chocolates with daisies and sunflowers on them, too! 

Cyndie brought the kids shopping with her to pick out the decorations and had them involved in all the details.  They made the little ducky chocolates and helped her set up.  They were SO excited to be throwing Mama a party and that they got to pick the theme!  Cyndie made Asa a shirt and Rachel a crown and set up a table in the middle.  (Photo edited by Lisa B!! Thanks, Lisa!)  I knew this was coming (all except the crown) and yet when I looked at it, I started crying.  It's so hard to believe she's not here sometimes...

♥ Isn't she sweet? ♥

While we were eating, Isaiah said "Rachel is here and she's wearing a crown" - Matt & I both looked at each other and smiled... "She is wearing a crown"  I said to him....I bet it's beautiful.  Matt told him, "Rachel's crown in heaven is even prettier than that one"

The cake was gorgeous and was even more delicious!  And yes, the ducky is edible!  Sam managed to get a taste and we got him some Zyrtec quick enough that there was no allergic reaction, Thank You Lord!  But can you blame him for wanting some?!  The bottom is chocolate and caramel, by the way! :o)

The first gift I opened was from my mom & sister and it had a card from my niece in it.  My biggest struggle in making the decision to have a VBAC was obviously the risk it holds for Asa.  If anything happened to him because of a decision I made, I would die.  Seriously.  Just like most Mamas, I would do anything for my kids - and I would do anything to protect them.  So this has been a really difficult decision for me, and although I feel it's the right one, I'm still scared.  I opened the card from my niece and it said "God will keep you safe Asa" and had his name in a heart.  I wasn't expecting to get that emotional that early into the gifts, but I felt like God had just confirmed for me that he was with me in this and that Asa is going to be safe....out of the mouths of babes...  There were a few more times I teared up, just in unbelief that Asa might actually come home with me.  And I was so blessed by how many people still included Rachel. ♥

We tried really hard to get a good family photo... it's really hard to get everyone to look at the same time.  Rachel & I were the only ones who cooperated :o)  I bet she would have been unbelievably cute!  I wish I had another smile running around here to try to catch... I almost want to share all the others so you can see what we went through to get this ONE pic where the kids aren't even paying attention! (but at least their heads are all upright!



I can honestly say that when I met this man 10 years ago, I had no idea we would eventually have 5 children...and counting... together.  Oh my gosh, as I wrote that I realized that was a little too Dugger-ish.  I'm NOT having 20 kids! (I don't think!)


Matt is just as difficult to get to behave while taking pictures as the kids!  And so just to show you a glimpse of what the 6 pictures before this one looked like - and maybe teach him a lesson - I'm posting this one too...



Not a very good pic of me, but it's a good one of my belly!
6 weeks to go??  Seriously?

I felt very loved and we were blessed to get a good amount of things we needed.  We only have a couple things on our 'still needed' list and so I feel pretty ready for Asa's arrival...materially.

But I got home and started putting things away and trying to pack his bag for the hospital and I started crying and couldn't stop.  It seemed every time I turned around, I would start crying again.  I kept working through my tasks and finally finished up and went down to eat dinner at around 7:45.  As I heated my dinner up and started crying AGAIN, all I could think was that I'm ready physically... I'm ready materially... but I am not ready emotionally...  and I'm not sure I ever will be - so I guess that makes me 'ready as I'll ever be'.

Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us (even if you only stayed a minute!).  This shower was not just any baby shower, as you probably know... It has taken me many months to come to a point where I'm finally getting excited to have another baby.  I have been allowing myself the time and freedom to feel however I feel... but as Asa's arrival got closer, I started to get nervous that I was going to fall apart holding a new baby alive. (I still might)  But, it is these times, where we celebrate Asa and remember Rachel, that are huge in helping me towards finding that balance and I won't forget those of you who did this with me at my own pace.  Thank you so much.  And thank you to Cyndie and my beautiful children for all your hard work planning this special day and to Mom & Meg for helping with the food - and sending me home with leftovers :o)