Saturday, November 19, 2011

I Just Want Her, Too.

This is harder than I expected.
Even with all my preparation and thinking about how it might play out;
How I might feel, what I might want.
There is something about holding this precious baby in my arms
That only makes my heart hurt more.

I went to Rachel's grave yesterday. 
A newly empty womb, Asa sleeping soundly in the van.
They cut a nearby tree down and it's even brighter of a spot than before
Her daisies that I left last week still standing strong and pretty.
Yet I cried harder than I have in a while standing there.
It felt heavier and darker than it has in a long time.

I had a sweet night with Asa last night.
He's nursing like a champ
and quietly woke me every 3 hours to nurse and then went right back to sleep.
Little coos and grunts making me smile
I snuggled his warm body and kissed his chubby cheeks.
He's home with me.
And yet my arms still feel like they are missing something.
I still feel so incomplete.

Flowers were delivered today.
The ones my Aunt sends after every baby, including Rachel.
Congratulations with love...
The daisies in the pretty bouquet threw me off
Still remembering this time last year receiving flowers as I got ready to meet Rachel.
And then surrounding her body with them at the hospital
A year of fresh daisies in my house
But this time they are for someone else.
I stood there and cried.
How can I not be able to separate them?
How can I not just bask in the joy of my new son?
Doesn't Asa deserve that?

He started crying and I sat to nurse him. 
I touched his soft hair and wondered why she couldn't have stayed.
I look at his hands, just a tiny bit bigger than hers.
In his cheeks and mouth, I see hers peeking out from under her hat.
And as each of these thoughts comes to mind and breaks my heart,
I feel guilty.

I don't know how to do this and I wish I didn't have to.
It feels like I wish I could have her instead
but that's not it. 
I love him more than life itself.
I just want her, too.

11 comments:

  1. hey hun, something completely off topic. Were you and your family at the taping of an episode of extreme homemaker at an auction for No place like home. just watching a repeat episode, and though i recognized you in the audience.

    ps.. Asa is a beautiful baby, congratulations.

    lisa coffin

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  2. Oh honey, gosh it must be so hard. So conflicting - sort of that dance of sorrow and joy all over again, except different too. I'm so glad you feel you can write though. Always be honest. Don't feel guilty. You love that little girl with all your heart and you've spent the last nearly year loving her more and more.
    And we know you love Asa the same. But yes, you will of course long for the same moments you're having with Asa, with Rachel. I think its only natural. You'll work through it, you'll find sunshine - and more beautiful daisies.

    God is ever near, still catching those tears for Rachel. The pain is not going to go away just because you are blessed again. I know that.

    You just keep going hun. Keep loving Asa and loving Rachel. Keep writing. Keep sharing. We are praying for you always.

    Love you xx

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  3. Stacy - I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom and can not imagine how hard this must all be - even with the wonderful birth of your son Asa - but I wanted you to know that I am still praying really hard for you - for healing for your heart and peace which passeth understanding.

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  4. Me too, still praying for you! Hugs and love, anja

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  5. Lisa,
    Yep, that was us... I knew my cute kids would attract the camera :o)

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  6. My heart aches for you. I remember well all those moments of joy and sorrow mingled. I wonder if your aunt had some daisies put in Asa's bouquet as a tribute to Rachel along with your precious new boy. Just a thought, but if not, God sure had her in mind with it. He is reminding you that He is still holding you up in this journey.

    Keep on loving them both. You are doing an amazing job! You did just have a baby too so your hormones are raging(maybe even post-partum....you have had a traumatic year and a half).

    Praying for you especially hard tonight.

    Love and prayers....

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  7. thank you for sharing this.
    love you so much.

    <3 Rachel <3

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  8. HUGS - Sweet Mama - HUGS!! I know it's just so hard, so hard.

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  9. I want so much for you to have her too! I wish none of us had to miss our babies I wish we could have them here. *hugs*

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes