I Just Want Her, Too.

This is harder than I expected.
Even with all my preparation and thinking about how it might play out;
How I might feel, what I might want.
There is something about holding this precious baby in my arms
That only makes my heart hurt more.

I went to Rachel's grave yesterday. 
A newly empty womb, Asa sleeping soundly in the van.
They cut a nearby tree down and it's even brighter of a spot than before
Her daisies that I left last week still standing strong and pretty.
Yet I cried harder than I have in a while standing there.
It felt heavier and darker than it has in a long time.

I had a sweet night with Asa last night.
He's nursing like a champ
and quietly woke me every 3 hours to nurse and then went right back to sleep.
Little coos and grunts making me smile
I snuggled his warm body and kissed his chubby cheeks.
He's home with me.
And yet my arms still feel like they are missing something.
I still feel so incomplete.

Flowers were delivered today.
The ones my Aunt sends after every baby, including Rachel.
Congratulations with love...
The daisies in the pretty bouquet threw me off
Still remembering this time last year receiving flowers as I got ready to meet Rachel.
And then surrounding her body with them at the hospital
A year of fresh daisies in my house
But this time they are for someone else.
I stood there and cried.
How can I not be able to separate them?
How can I not just bask in the joy of my new son?
Doesn't Asa deserve that?

He started crying and I sat to nurse him. 
I touched his soft hair and wondered why she couldn't have stayed.
I look at his hands, just a tiny bit bigger than hers.
In his cheeks and mouth, I see hers peeking out from under her hat.
And as each of these thoughts comes to mind and breaks my heart,
I feel guilty.

I don't know how to do this and I wish I didn't have to.
It feels like I wish I could have her instead
but that's not it. 
I love him more than life itself.
I just want her, too.