Thursday, November 3, 2011

When I Look Around...

My appt yesterday afternoon went well.  I'm 1 cm and 80% effaced, which could mean anything really.  I have always gone into labor early, but have never been dilated at all before going to the hospital so I wasn't expecting that. I'm hoping it means I'll have a baby this weekend, but I don't really think so.  I've been thinking it would be Saturday for a week or so now (the power of Desirae's suggestion of it being the 5th) but I honestly have a feeling this baby is going to have the birthday of 11-10-11.  If I'm still pregnant after that day, you may want to bring me some chocolate cause I'm gonna be depressed.  I'm SO ready to have him.  He is so low that I can hardly walk anymore and the anticipation of how everything will go is weighing on my mind.  Please just pray that my water won't break at home.  I have a long drive and a history of very fast deliveries once they break my water

Have I mentioned I love my friends?  When I got home from my appt yesterday, Michelle had cooked the chicken my mom bought me the other day AND washed my kitchen & mudroom floors!  I had a spurt of energy for a couple of days that I was hoping was going to last until Asa came, but today I am totally wiped out.  I think I'm going to define couch potato today - and thanks to my friend Millie, I can cause she is now driving the kids to and from gym class for me twice a week, today being one of them!

Today is the 3rd.... 11 months since I held my girl.  I feel like I should do something and have no idea what that is.  I can't believe it's been this long.  I debated going to the cemetery, but there's not much to be done there.  I look at the daisies on my counter...  11 months of fresh flowers.  I look at the pictures all over the house... 11 months of making her memory a part of our home.  I look at the baby stuff all set up for her little brother...  11 months with empty arms and an empty cradle. 

The hardest 11 months of my life.

Do I celebrate her birth?  Do I sit at her grave and mourn?  Do I stay home and just look around at her memories??  I usually just know what I want to do - and today I have no clue.  And nobody else remembers the 3rd at this point.  It's just another day to them.  If she was here, maybe I'd be sending out a picture of her taking her first steps.... but I have nothing new.  It's all the same.

When I look around, I see the joy of the expectation of a new baby boy intertwined with the sorrow of my baby girl gone too soon.  I smile and cry at both.  They are both amazing blessings in my life, just with two totally different roles.  One is not better than the other, just different. 

My heart has been very heavy for Rachel lately.  Someone asked me the other day if I cry a lot.  I said no, but I probably have a different definition of 'a lot' when it comes to crying.  Plus, it's an awkward question to answer - especially when people jump all over the need to fix me and suddenly act like I'm about to off myself if I say I'm not all better (by their standards- cause you know, I am coming up on a year when the magic switch goes off and grieving people become all better).  Although even back in July, at only 7 months out,  I was getting emails criticizing how often I cried - yes, from someone whose never lost a baby and actually hardly spent any time with me - but still, she was "worried".  Which in this case translates to "quick to be judgemental on little information" but that's a different story...

But yes, I cry every day.  Do I cry all day every day? no.  Do I cry multiple times a day? usually.  How long do I cry for?  as long as I need to. (is that ok?)  Sometimes that means a couple of tears fall and sometimes that means I can't stop for a while.  (I hope I'm not failing your 'is she in need of meds' test cause I don't want any)   Should I even have to answer such a question?  don't think so.  Am I depressed? nope.  I'm more depressed with the fact that I can't bend over or do anything for myself than the fact that I'm still missing my baby. (can you put my socks on for me? or at least make sure I don't walk out of the bathroom at Walmart with toilet paper hanging out of my pants again?)  Am I still grieving? deeply.  Will I ever be done?  doubt it.  Does that mean I'll never smile again? nope, from the day I found out about Rachel, I learned a lesson about life that I could not have learned any other way...Every minute is priceless.  I have experienced more true joy in my heart since last August than I have in my whole life.  God has truly blessed me - and our family - through my little girl.

And when I look around, 11 months later, I know that gift can never be taken from me.  She may be gone, other people may have moved on, but she is still so real in my life.  I may have sorrow, but I have experienced so much more undefiled love and joy.  Not the kind that depends on things going 'right' or 'perfect' in my life; those are fleeting.  The joy of the Lord is truly my Strength and Portion and is deep within my heart.

A sidenote on joy:  it doesn't necessarily look like people expect... lots of bubbly and smily people are miserable in their hearts. - and lots of people who cry are full of joy.  I've been on both sides and would take the latter any day.  You only see what people choose to share so don't judge a book by it's cover, mistake the ability to act happy as joy, or tears and solitude as a reason for intervention.  (Although a hug and prayer never hurt anyone.)

And as I prepare to welcome Rachel's little brother into our family just 11 months after the death of his sister, I will do so with a humble and joyful heart, knowing it's only because of my journey with Rachel that Asa even exists.

Miss you sweet girl.... every day of my life

1 comment:

We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes