The Cost of Joy

I'm totally not meant to only blog once a week.... I'm just gonna try to shorten them and spend less time on them.  How's that for a compromise? :o)

Today is the anniversary of when my Nana died.  No matter how many years go by, January 16th will always be a day that makes my heart skip a beat. 

I was sitting on the couch today snuggling with my sweet Asa.  I looked around at all the pictures of Rachel on my walls...  I put my hand over his head.  His fully formed head.  I kissed his warm cheek.

The tears started flowing.

I wondered to myself, what was life like before Rachel...  what would it be like if I was holding her right now... if I didn't lose my girl.  What would my life look like if she was toddling around my house in her cute little dresses.  If I had my two boys and two girls that I've always wanted?  Even better, what if I had 3 boys, 2 girls HERE with me?  If I didn't know this pain?  Would I be happier?

The question stopped my wandering mind.  Happier?
Would I be happier??

Well, happiness is kind of tricky.  I think I would be happier in that I wouldn't have to struggle with so much sorrow and grief.  I wouldn't cry as much or feel as heavy hearted.  I may even feel like my life is perfect, overflowing with blessings.  And it would be.

But if there is one thing I have come to know through Rachel, it's that life is not about happiness.  I would trade all the happiness and comfort that a trial-free life can offer for the joy that I have found in my God's arms as I have loved my little girl - through her life and in her death.  Pain?  Tears?  Sadness?  Yep.  No way around that.  Am I happy?  Not always.  Would I be happier if Rachel didn't die?  Absolutely.  No doubt in my mind.

But joy... hope.... love....  I didn't really  know a thing about them until I walked the road of bittersweet with my girl.  Happiness will come and go - whether you lose a baby or not - it's a fact, happiness is dependant on our circumstances.  And I'm not even all that convinced that I was that much happier before Rachel.  Life has always been hard, we've had a hard road.

Joy doesn't need the perfect day, the desired outcome.... an alive daughter.  Joy is found in the Lord and the Joy of the Lord is my strength.  And even on the days when I cry, my heart aches and I wonder why it couldn't have been different....joy is in my heart.  Because knowing Rachel was a true gift.  She has changed me for the better and made me more like Jesus.

I miss her like crazy.  I look at her pictures and I want to hold her again so bad it hurts... literally in my chest.  But wow....she was awesome.  I wish you could have met her.

I wish you could have seen first hand what God did in that hospital.  The peace, the joy, the love.  wow.
Happier?  I don't know.... I think losing her has given me way more than I ever could have believed it would.  More than I would have if I got to keep her.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm happy about this.  It sucks, every second of it. And honestly, I wish it didn't happen to me, to her.   But most beautiful things come at a high cost....

Just look at the cross.