Birthday Wishes

A week from today we will be having Rachel's 2nd birthday party.

This week is hard for me.  I remember our last week together.  How I soaked in every dance move and tried to tell her everything I would want her to know while I could.  I remember packing my hospital bag, and hers.  Her memory box and her car seat, not knowing which one I'd need.  I remember the physical pain some, but more than that, I remember the emotional and mental pain.  Anguish. 

This week, between Thanksgiving and her birthday, belong to her in my heart.  I remember writing a post "My heart is in November" and talking about how I couldn't take down my November calendar, even though it was months later, because it has her written all over it.  I remember decorating her vault on Thanksgiving Day after we cleared the table.  It's hard to believe all that we've endured and that we somehow have come out stronger.  I'm thankful that losing her hasn't destroyed us - me, our marriage, our family.  God has been faithful to protect what He joined together - sometimes despite ourselves.

This past week, every.single.thing I am trying to do for her day has gone wrong.  This new endeavor I'm working on for her legacy has been loaded with one unforeseen problem after another. The guy that was going to make her cake told me a couple days ago, he can't.  I have only received a handful of rsvp's from her invite - and only one of those said they were coming for cake.  I'm now hearing it's going to snow this week.  It's been in the 50's and warm... why now?  Can't it wait a week?  And her puzzle is 34 pieces away from complete....7 days to go.  Um, 5 pieces a day?  maybe, but probably not.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is how my life usually works... and try not to lose sight of the big picture over these small things.... even though they feel anything but small.  I try to remember that last year, I had no idea what to expect for people or snow and it was beautiful and more than I expected.

I try to remind myself that God has yet to let me down.  And I know He hasn't forgotten me.

But in the back of my mind, and deep in my heart, I'm scared to death that her party is going to be evidence of all the people who have moved on.  I think last year is going to be hard to compare to.  I'm already feeling it - people who used to read my blog regularly have been surprised when I mention her birthday, telling me they didn't see her invite...or the puzzle pieces... or the updates of the puzzle.  And I hate making people feel uncomfortable so I just change the subject instead of asking if they are coming or want to buy a piece....

And what does she care anyway?  Not like she is going to be crying over nobody showing up for her party.  She won't know if she doesn't have a cake.  She won't care if her puzzle isn't done.  She will be completely unaware if people have forgotten and moved on.

I wish I could say the same for me.  But I'm really glad for her. 

And then again, what one year old has 50 people show up for her party?  She did.  I'm just having a hard time with the idea that one day the people who used to gather around, won't.  And I'm nervous that is going to happen before I'm ready.  Or maybe I'll never be ready.

And this brings me back to trusting in God to take care of my heart.  Because so far, every time I've doubted, He has provided in ways I wasn't expecting that have left me ashamed for doubting in the first place.  Pray for me please.